It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, we learn why Disney World is the most magical place on Earth, how to rescue a bald eagle, and what not to do with a corpse on a New York City subway car.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man Caught with ‘Bulky Wallet Full of Cocaine’ at Magic Kingdom
You ever bring your kid to Disney World with a bunch of cocaine stuffed into your wallet just in case things got a little tense inside the Magic Kingdom?
No? Just Florida Man then.
At security, while entering the park, Florida Man emptied his pockets, and Disney Security Officer Bryan Colon couldn't help but notice how thick the wallet was. "Bryan observed that his wallet was bulky, and he began to get nervous. Bryan explained that he must check the wallet, the defendant opened it, and he observed a bag of powdery white substances."
Oops.
Love this part: "Florida Man later admitted to trying to bring the drugs inside the Magic Kingdom, claiming the cocaine was for stress relief... [and that] he has been using cocaine for approximately one month because of stress from work."
"Oh, that's OK then," is exactly what security didn't say.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Domestic Bliss, Likely Story, Getting Caught Stupidly, Casino/Resort/Theme Park, You Hid It WHERE?
TOTAL: 6 FMF Points.
Two Too Many
Florida Man arrested for having 3 wives in 3 different counties
"Florida Man is facing charges for marrying three Florida women in three different counties at the same time," and people around the state can't figure out what the hell drugs he was on.
One wife said, "He took each one of us to a county over to get married."
Honey, when he says he has to take you over to the next county to get married, there's something up.
"There are no safeguards, and I feel like that's part of where the system failed," said another wife.
Typically, having more than one wife is safeguard enough. But in this case, Florida Man picked women on dating apps who were recently divorced and might be getting "child support, alimony, anything that comes with, you know, the extra perks of marrying a newly single, divorced woman," according to one of his wives.
SCORE: Criminal Mastermind, Likely Story, Domestic Bliss, Getting Caught Stupidly, and I have to award two WTF Were You Even THINKING? points, one for each extra wife.
RUNNING TOTAL: 11 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: Thursday Essay: We're All Pandas Now
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Florida Man dives into lake to save wounded eagle
Wow:
"I’ve been around animals my whole life. I love animals," shared Doug Hay, who's almost 70 years old.
According to Hay, he and his wife were sitting in their living room when they heard a crash. He looked in the lake that's in his backyard and saw an eagle.
Hay said he knows eagles can't swim and there was another eagle circling above the lake. He suspected the two were fighting.
Hay said he reacted without hesitation and ripped off his shirt, threw off his flip-flops and dived into the water.
Doug got pretty scraped up by the eagle's talons, and the lake is also home to a seven-foot gator that he said he "wasn’t too concerned about."
The eagle is receiving medical care and, when it's ready, will also get physical therapy to regain flight.
Exit quote from Doug: "This is the symbol of America, man."
In more than one way, sir — bravo.
SCORE: The usual three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness, plus Water Hazard, Dangerous Wildlife, Élan, Caught on Video, Went Viral.
RUNNING TOTAL: 19 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man nabbed for burglary while posting bond for Xanax possession
The Birthday Suit Burglar
Naked Florida man tries to break into home with knife, ends up behind bars
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes on a Saturday night when you might've been drinking and maybe doing some other stuff to get you messed up but you don't have enough money for any more booze or other stuff so you decide to break into somebody's house and see if they have any money or at least some stuff so you figure you'll be real clever and not leave any clothing fibers behind for one of those police CSI teams to find so you strip down naked but the only thing is you don't have a lockpick but you do have this knife that was in your pants for some reason so you're using the knife to try and pry the lock on the front door only that isn't working too well so you give up and maybe go to some other house that has a lock on it that a knife can open but there must've been somebody home to call the cops because the next thing you know the cops show up and you're trying to be all cool about it but the only thing you're wearing is that knife.
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Public Nudity, Drugs/Alcohol (the story doesn't say, but, c'mon, watch the video), Élan, Police Bodycam, Went Viral, Dude You OK?
RUNNING TOTAL: 25 FMF Points.
Bonus Florida Video:
🐊 Florida man Mike Dragich wrangle an alligator like a Swamp Man and gets him off the hiway and inot the truck-thats what REAL MEN do! pic.twitter.com/OAqrOhXRvA
— Mike "The KingDude" Church, Talk Radio & TV Host (@TheKingDude) April 29, 2025
I don't usually award points for these bonus stories, but I have to award a Sheer Awesomeness point for wrangling a gator while barefoot.
RUNNING TOTAL: 26 FMF Points
Not All Heroes Wear Capes II
'It was incredible': Spring break in Florida takes a dramatic and heroic turn for a Clarence teen
What happens when New York Teen visits Florida? He becomes Florida Man in the best possible way:
17-year-old Brody Kaufman was relaxing in a car when a text from his mom jolted him into action: a kayaker had flipped into the ocean and was being swept away by a powerful current. Without hesitation, Kaufman, a junior volunteer firefighter with the Harris Hill Volunteer Fire Co., jumped into rescue mode.
“It was really life or death at that point,” Kaufman said. “If that life jacket came off with that current, I don’t think he would have had a chance.”
Using borrowed ropes from a nearby fisherman, Kaufman and others on the scene worked quickly to secure the struggling kayaker and drag him back toward safety.
“We finally got a third rope—heavier duty, more trustworthy,” Kaufman said. “We all made a group decision to start dragging him…probably three to 400 yards down the bridge.”
As the man's life jacket began to slip, Kaufman knew there was no time to waste. He led the effort to pull the man from the water before emergency responders arrived.
More at the link, all of it impressive.
SCORE: The usual three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness, plus Water Hazard, and Honorary Florida Man (new!).
RUNNING TOTAL: 32 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: I've Been Drinking, Officer, and You Should, Too
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
I know the one point from the Bonus Headline skews the average a bit. But do you know what else? I don't care. My column, my rules!
Five scored stories with a total of 32 points for an excellent average of 6.4.
Meanwhile, in New York...
Manhattan subway corpse rape suspect paused sex as passengers got on and off train
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
