It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week we have a would-be naked chainsaw assassin, Florida Woman's Steely Dan impersonation, and one shell of a good time in New Jersey.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Gunman Arrested For Karaoke Rage
Ever been so upset that the karaoke machine at your corner bar was broken that you pulled a gun and fired off a round in the general direction of another patron?
No? Just Florida Man, then.
When the police arrived, as they seem to do when someone is taking pot-shots over karaoke, Florida Man still had the gun and seemed in no mood other than to sing "Memories" or kick a**, and, well, the machine wasn't working.
Florida Man's record "includes convictions for DUI; disorderly conduct; theft; resisting an officer with violence; violating probation; and two separate incidents of battery on a law enforcement officer," so this wasn't exactly his first goat rodeo.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Should Have Taken the L, Recidivism, Dude You OK?, plus because of his insistence that the show must go on, a bonus point for Showmanship.
TOTAL: 6 FMF Points.
Three Days of the Chainsaw
Ever been so upset at the president that you threatened to fight him naked with a chainsaw?
I mean, yeah, sure — but I'd already seen Joe Biden in his swim trunks, and that was quite enough.
Florida Man's video rant included but was not limited to:
- Donald Trump is the Antichrist.
- Because of Donald Trump, every single person in the world is cursed.
- Fight me naked to the death!
- I’m going to cut you up with a chainsaw and put you in acid.
- Donald Trump has personally made business decisions that have hurt so many different reincarnated Jesuses.
Please, sir, get back on your meds. And also maybe step away from the chainsaw and put on some pants.
SCORE: Went Viral, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Public Nudity (or at least the threat of it), Likely Story, Dude You OK?
RUNNING TOTAL: 11 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: Burning Down the House
Go Back, Jack, Do It Again
They put the punchline right in the headline to this one.
When deputies tried to pull Florida Woman over for erratic driving, she sped off through traffic, briefly ditched them by cutting through a gas station, but finally decided all on her own to comply after a PIT maneuver forced her off the road.
She's charged with fleeing to elude, knowingly driving with a suspended or revoked license, driving with a suspended or revoked license as a habitual offender, fleeing with reckless disregard for the safety of persons or property, possession of methamphetamine, and possession of drug paraphernalia.
Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd quipped that Florida Woman "told deputies that she fled because she knew that if she got caught, she would likely be going to jail for a long time."
Well, she got that much right.
SCORE: Police Chase, Drugs/Alcohol, Vehicular Madness, Suspended License, Should Have Taken the L, Recidivism, Face/Neck Tattoos, PIT Maneuver/Stop Sticks, Out on Bond (new!).
RUNNING TOTAL: 20 FMF Points
Nine points, Florida Woman? Way to go!
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Woman accidentally fires ‘unfamiliar’ gun at Cincinnati airport
You can't take her anywhere, can you?
Just Another Tuesday in Eustis
Florida Man shot sheriff's office drone, rammed fences in neighborhood rampage
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you're minding your own business cruising through the neighborhood in your Suburban and when I say "through" I mean "through" because you're driving on lawns and knocking down fences and at some dogs and just having a good old time but for whatever reason one of the neighbors calls the cops and when they show up they bring the whole inventory with like a drone and everything but you're a pretty good shot and you shoot that stupid drone right out of the air and that's when you figure that's enough fun so you hide in your house and lock the door but the police come and arrest you anyway so when you keep your mouth shut because of that Miranda thing some wiseacre news report says "one of the biggest unanswered questions is why" you did all that but you know that a good time explains itself.
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: The Inevitable Helicopter (Or Drone) (not new but amended!), Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Vehicular Madness, Stand-Off, Resisting Arrest, WTF Were You Even THINKING?, and an Impersonation bonus point for his take on Marvin Heemeyer.
RUNNING TOTAL: 27 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Teen Hero Helps Save Eight After Boat Flips at Lighthouse Beach
This could have gone so badly:
In a dramatic rescue at Lighthouse Beach Saturday afternoon, eight people were pulled from rough waters after their 23-foot boat flipped over. Nearby beachgoers and rescue teams rushed to help as the emergency unfolded.
"Everyone kind of noticed the boat offshore, and it was struggling. We could see half of the boat in like under the water, like inside the water. We knew that wasn't normal," witness Misty Dowling told Gulf Coast News.
Water poured into the boat as it struggled through waves off the beach. Within minutes, teams from the Lee County Sheriff, Coast Guard, Sanibel Police, and Florida Fish and Wildlife Commission arrived at the scene.
A teen named Alex jumped into the water without hesitation. He grabbed a struggling woman just as the boat tipped. Several people worked together to pull the boat to shore.
Good work, everybody.
SCORE: I simply must award one bonus Sheer Awesomeness point for each of the eight people rescued.
RUNNING TOTAL: 35 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Did He Have to Go Full Mongo?
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Wow.
Five scored stories with a total of 35 points for an all-time high average score of 7 FMF points.
Best. Week. Ever.
Meanwhile, in New Jersey...
INBOX: TSA stops man with turtle concealed in his groin at Newark Liberty International Airport pic.twitter.com/627ZtpyEgk
— Steven Bognar (@Bogs4NY) March 11, 2025
All I can say is, I hope the turtle consented.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
