It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and before we begin I need to assure you that no horses were harmed in the making of this week's Florida Man Friday.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Ever been so mad that you punched a horse? Ever been so mad and stupid that you punched a mounted police officer's horse?
Of course, you haven't. That's why the world needs Florida Man:
The body camera video shows a Tampa Police Department (TPD) Mounted Patrol officer and horse clearing a busy street in Ybor City on March 9.
"Ybor's closed. Time to go home," the officer can be heard saying as he and his horse, Mount Opus, were making their way through the crowd.
However, moments later, the officer can be heard saying, "Do not touch the horse."
Police said Florida Man then allegedly struck the police horse before running off into the crowd, attempting to evade apprehension.
Spoiler: He did not evade apprehension.
The horse is named Mount Opus, and he's just fine.
Because it doesn't look nice, formatting-wise, I never post two videos in a single Florida Man news item, but I had to — HAD TO, YOU HEAR! — lead with the Mongo clip from "Blazing Saddles." So here, at long last, is the police body cam of Florida Mongo.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Police Chase, Went Viral, Police Bodycam, Resisting, Instant Karma, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
TOTAL: 6 FMF Points.
Exit Question: Should people who punch horses get the same prison treatment as pedos?
At Least She Didn't Attack Him With a Banana
Florida Woman arrested for aggravated battery with a Pringles can
Remember the old Roald Dahl story that Hitchcock turned into a TV segment about the woman who murdered her husband with a frozen leg of lamb but then thawed it, cooked it, and served it to the investigating police — effectively destroying the murder weapon?
This is like that only much stupider.
Florida Victim alerted a 7-11 clerk to somebody lying down or passed out against the outside of the building. Florida Woman must have been a good friend of the sleeping guy because she assaulted Florida Victim with the only weapon she had at hand — a can of Pringles. She then took off.
When police found her a short while later down the street, she hadn't even eaten the Pringles and still had the can on her.
SCORE: Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Fleeing the Scene, Getting Caught Stupidly, Convenience Store, Glamor Mugshot.
RUNNING TOTAL: 11 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: America's Postmodern Red Guards, Our Digital Brownshirts...
One Star, Do Not Recommend
Florida Woman arrested after customer is stabbed over pizza delivery tip
When you step out of the Uber and give the driver a rating and a tip, the driver also rates you as a customer — a rating that can only be seen by other Uber drivers. People who seem to have such bad luck hailing a ride are probably unpleasant customers, bad tippers, or the like. The same goes for Lyft, Grub Hub drivers, etc.
Florida Woman probably wishes she'd just given this customer a bad rating instead of multiple stab wounds:
Florida Woman 22, was arrested on Monday following the incident in Kissimmee, Florida. She was charged with offenses including attempted murder and home invasion.
The Osceola County Sheriff’s Office responded to reports of a home invasion and stabbing at the Riviera Motel on Sunday.
Arriving deputies located a victim who had been stabbed multiple times. He was transported to a local hospital and is currently in stable condition.
"It was later discovered that the victim had ordered pizza from a local restaurant earlier in the evening, and Florida Woman – who had delivered the food – became upset about the tip she had received," and also — going out on a limb here — has a few emotional issues or, speaking more clinically, might be a whack-job.
Her boyfriend should quietly change his name and leave the state before the inevitable happens and he wakes up with an icepick in his thigh.
SCORE: Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Should Have Taken the L, Glamor Mugshot, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 15 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man arrested for disturbing the peace with Chucky doll
All He Had to Do Was Leave
Wanted Florida man hiding from Polk deputies captured by K9
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you're hanging out at the Circle K and just having some fun with the clerk by maybe being a total a-hole and the clerk's all like "I'm gonna call the cops if you don't leave" but you're having too much fun for that but then sure enough he goes and calls the cops so you figure you'll hang out anyway and keep having fun even though you got all those warrants out on you but that's cool because you have this secret plan where you'll give the cops a fake name if they start to hassle you which is exactly what you end up doing but the cops have these portable computers now and they start typing in your fake name and you know that's gonna lead to trouble when it comes up blank or some old white woman in The Villages or someplace like that so while they're busy typing you take off for the woods but they set up a perimeter and get their K9 dog out and the dog finds you real quick and bites your leg so when the cops come to get you and the dog they find all your drugs and your outstanding warrants and now you're hanging out in jail being a total a-hole to the other guys.
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Impersonation, Good Dog (new!), Drugs/Alcohol, Resisting Arrest, Fleeing the Scene, Hide & Seek, Convenience Store, Outstanding Warrant(s), Should Have Taken the L, Glamor Mugshot.
10 points? Wow.
RUNNING TOTAL: 25 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Gainesville Health & Fitness ambassador inspires healthy living at 100 years old
The odds of me making it to 100 are not good. But if I do beat the odds, please let me be half as awesome as Florida Woman Billie Bob Sykes:
A familiar face at Gainesville Health and Fitness just turned 100 years old.
Billie Bob Sykes has been a member at the gym since 2000 and began working as an ambassador in 2016.
“You have one chance at life, so take advantage of it and be happy and healthy,” said Billie Bob.
Billie Bob is best known for handing out candy by the door when members leave, giving them a friendly goodbye.
“I like for them to leave the gym with a sweet taste in their mouth because we want them to come back,” said Billie Bob.
Friends and family lined up on Friday to celebrate Billie Bob at the GHF Main Center.
UF mascot Alberta and Florida Gators Dazzlers also made her an honorary Rowdy Reptile.
She spent her birthday at Disney World.
Also: candy after a workout? Why didn't I ever think of that?
SCORE: The Elderly, Casino/Resort/Theme Park, and the usual three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness.
RUNNING TOTAL: 30 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: World's Dumbest Criminal NOT From Florida? YOU Make the Call!
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 30 points for another high average of 6.
Meanwhile, in California...
Folks, I got nothin'.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
P.S. Don't miss Five O'Clock Somewhere with Stephen Kruiser, Yours Truly, and special guest Chris Queen at 3 p.m. Eastern today. There will be day drinking.
