It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and I don't know how to even start writing an intro for a week that begins with a guy in a Dalamtian-print onesie getting tased twice by police, so let's jump right in.
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man nabbed allegedly trying to outrun troopers while wearing Dalmatian onesie
Florida Man is charged with "fleeing to elude, escaping, reckless driving, leaving the scene involving property damage, battery on a law enforcement officer, assault on a law enforcement officer, resisting an officer with violence, resisting an officer without violence, depriving a law enforcement officer of equipment, drug equipment possession, possession of a new legend drug, possession of methamphetamine, and petit larceny," all while wearing a grown-up onesie in an adorable Dalmatian print.
I almost wish Florida Man Friday was a video podcast because this is when I would stare into the camera with a blank look of disbelief long enough to make everybody uncomfortable.
The short version is that police tried to pull Florida Man over for reckless driving, but he sped off, crashed into a tree, took off on foot, was shot with a stun gun, fell to the ground, resisted arrest, was stunned again so police could finish cuffing him, took off on foot again into the woods with the cuffs on. K-9 police arrived to track him to his nearby home, where Florida Man's girlfriend "told troopers she did not want them near her home since she had drugs inside and did not want to go to jail."
This is where I would again stare into the camera with a blank look of disbelief, long enough to make everybody uncomfortable.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Vehicular Mayhem, Drugs/Alcohol, Police Chase, Resisting Arrest, Hide and Seek, Should Have Taken the L, Went Viral, Tasered, Glamor Mugshot, and of course, I'm awarding a bonus point for the Dalmatian onesie.
TOTAL: 10 FMF Points.
Apropos of not much, I posted this to X four days before the Dalmatian onesie came out.
It's a strange world, isn't it?
Assault With Deadly Fruit
Florida Stripper, 22, Busted For Banana Battery At 7-Eleven Store
Florida Woman — who happens to be a 22-year-old stripper, and the only reason that seems relevant is so The Smoking Gun could put "stripper" and "22" in the headline — got into a shouting match with a 7-Eleven worker. Police say they made "derogatory comments towards each other,” and I have a few choice guesses as to which ones.
Florida Woman “became irate” and “picked up a banana from the cashier counter and threw the banana at the victim’s face," leaving "a minor abrasion."
"The banana," The Smoking Gun dryly noted, "was not seized as evidence."
In recent months, Florida Woman has been convicted of grand theft and arrested for resisting and providing a false ID.
Florida Woman works at Baby Dolls in Clearwater, where they promise the girls will only throw fruit at customers for an extra $5.
SCORE: Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Probation Violation, Recidivism, Face/Neck Tattoos, Convenience Store, Strip Club and/or a Hooters, Face/Neck Tattoos.
RUNNING TOTAL: 17 FMF Points.
Exit Question: They sell bananas at 7-Eleven? I only ever buy jerky and corn nuts there.
Exclusively for our VIPs: The Left's Endgame: Are You Not Entertained?
This One Is a Little Too On-Point
Florida DUI suspect crashes into liquor store
The headline says it all. I'd just like to add that while "suspect" is technically (and legally) correct, is it really necessary when the guy who crashed into the liquor store then "showed signs of impairment and performed poorly on field sobriety tests?"
Good news: While damages are estimated at $20,000, Florida Man doesn't appear to have broken anything on the top shelf.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Vehicular Madness, Drive-Thru Mayhem (well, he made his own drive-thru), Convenience Store, and a bonus point for doing Iowa Hawk's "drive a pickup through a liquor store" gag in real life.
RUNNING TOTAL: 22 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Gun-shaped cellphone case prompts lockdown at Freedom High School
Literally, everyone is stupid.
Advance Auto Parts Goes to the Dogs
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you're doing some meth in this Advance Auto Parts parking lot in Georgia and you go inside and you just starting barking like a dog because YOLO but nobody seems to be paying you much attention so you just keep barking and barking for like an hour when the police finally show up which to be honest is maybe not the kind of attention you were looking for so when the cops ask why you're barking like a dog inside this auto parts store you tell them you weren't aware you were causing any issues so they ask you for your ID which is in your car along with your meth and these syringes and one of them has some clear stuff in it so when the cops ask you what it is you tell them it's blood because that's pretty funny but the cops don't think so especially when they run your ID they find out you've got a warrant out but you figure that doesn't count because these are Georgia cops in Georgia but then you find out that Florida wants to take you back on that warrant and now you're wondering why you were doing all that barking at Advance Auto Parts.
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Getting Caught Stupidly, Likely Story, Outstanding Warrant(s), Dude You OK?
RUNNING TOTAL: 27 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Neglected pup transformed into hero: Meet the newest K-9 team in Indian River County
This is another one of those reports that's accompanied by internet-transmissible onion fumes:
The Indian River County Sheriff's Office (IRCSO) said a hound named Penny was rescued from a neglectful living situation in North Florida by All Hound Rescue of Florida, Inc.
The sheriff's office said the non-profit organization donated the pup to IRCSO. After completing a rigorous four-week K-9 tracking school hosted by the Brevard County Sheriff’s Office, Penny and her handler, Deputy Lewis, have now graduated with flying colors. The duo earned their certification as a Police Utility Tracking K-9 through the National Narcotic Detector Dog Association.
Penny and her handler will assist in searching for missing adults and children, making a significant impact in the community she now calls home.
I have three very spoiled dogs, two of them rescues. They're three of the happiest dogs I've ever known. But in my experience, no dogs are happier than working dogs — and Penny went from being neglected to acing her K-9 training. She's going to be one happy girl.
SCORE: Bonus points to the police who rescued Penny, to her handler (Deputy Lewis) for bringing her through tracking school, and the usual three Sheer Awesomeness points to Penny.
RUNNING TOTAL: 32 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Drag Queen 'Tot Mom' Friend Threatens Trump on Facebook
So, How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a near-record 32 points for an America Is Great Again! average of 6.4.
Meanwhile, in Georgia...
Thief who tried to break into Perimeter Mall to get a cinnamon roll going to jail
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
P.S. Don't miss Five O'Clock Somewhere with Stephen Kruiser, Yours Truly, and special guest Ward Clark at 3 p.m. Eastern today. There will be day drinking.
