Florida Man Friday: The Florida Grinch Who Saved Christmas

I never did get this scam totally figured out or anything but you gotta believe that if you do all your Christmas shopping early but then you report all the gifts for your kids and maybe also a couple flat-screen TVs stolen that some nice people somewhere gonna give you free stuff on top of all the stuff you got hid away which is was I did and sure enough the police got American Legion and this Shop With a Cop thing involved just like I figured and they was gonna get me new gifts for the kids and maybe also a couple flat-screen TVs but then somebody tipped them off and the cops found all the gifts for the kids and maybe also a couple flat-screen TVs stashed at Bobby's house and Bobby's all like "I don't know how that got here" but the worst part is when they come to arrest me they got one cop dressed like the damn Grinch and put the whole thing on Instagram and TV and whatever and now I got no flat-screen TVs and that damn Grinch song stuck in my head.

Don't you hate that, too?

As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so. 

SCORE: I'm awarding a record-tying five bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness to the police for having so much fun with someone's attempted Christmas heist.

TOTAL: 5 FMF Points.

I've Got My Love Shoe to Keep Me Warm

Florida Man sets shoe on fire to stay warm, drunkenly passes out in front of office building

Ever been so drunk that to keep warm it seemed like a good idea to set your own shoe on fire — in Florida, no less?

Me neither.

The drunkest I've ever seen anybody who was still functioning well enough to make a seriously questionable decision was back in my early twenties in northern California. There was a party. There was drinking. There was my friend Tara, falling backward onto the floor in her chair.

She was in a lot of pain and convinced that she'd "knocked a couple of ribs out of place," so she decided to knock them back into place by throwing herself sideways into a wall. It turned out — after she made it to the doctor a couple of days later — that she'd actually cracked a couple of ribs during her fall, and then certainly hadn't done them any favors by repeatedly slamming them into the wall.

Tara was sore for weeks. Then again, at no time did she set her clothes on fire to keep warm or get arrested by police who found her passed out in front of an office building with her shoe on fire and then trying to convince police that she'd only drunk "one Mike's Hard Lemonade tall boy" all night.

For that kind of thing, you've got to go to Florida.

SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Likely Story, WTF Were You Even THINKING?

RUNNING TOTAL: 8 FMF Points.

Exclusively for our VIPs: When Is an Insurrection Not an Insurrection?

Nobody's Waiting for the Man With That

Would-be Florida burglar dressed in drag ‘slips out’ sex toy while stalking woman

At some point last week, it seemed like a good idea to Florida Man to dress up like a woman and try to break into a woman's house waving what "appeared to be an erect penis in his hand."

Bath salts, not even once.

You would think that doorbell cams — which is how Florida Man got caught — would have put an end to dressing up like a woman and rattling some woman's front door with your massive dildo but, sadly, no.

When the police caught up with Florida Man a few days later, he told them that he was just checking on Florida Woman to see if she was OK and that, yes, he was carrying a dildo but it just "slipped out."

"Slipped out of what," the police dared not ask.

The report also said he resisted arrest but, mercifully, it didn't say with what.

SCORE: Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Caught on Video, Resisting, Master of Disguise, Likely Story, WTF Were You Even THINKING?

RUNNING TOTAL: 14 FMF Points

Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man caught on video stealing 'screwdriver' ingredients from an apartment

OJ and vodka? Are you a sorority girl? Good lord, man — next time, take the top-shelf scotch. 

I'll Be Home (and on Fire) for Christmas

Florida Man sets fire to his house during 4-hour standoff over shoplifted cigarettes

This one's almost got it all.

Florida Man got caught lifting smokes at a Volusia County convenience store and deputies must have arrived just as he was leaving because he drove right at them. There was a chase, stop sticks were deployed, but Florida Man made it home on a deflated tire. Once there, police ordered him out but he opened fire, instead. One deputy was hit but didn't sustain life-threatening injuries — otherwise, you know I'd probably have skipped this story, even with all the lurid details.

But there's more.

Florida Man set fire to his truck and barricaded himself inside his home. A four-hour standoff ensued, during which he also set fire to his own house. "I'll show you who can smoke!" I guess.

But there's still more.

Florida Man was out on the second-floor balcony, so police used one of those armored trucks to knock it down and bring him in. You'll be shocked to learn that in addition to being arrested on pretty much all the charges, Florida Man also ended up in the hospital. 

SCORE: Convenience Store, Vehicular Madness, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Police Chase, Resisting Arrest,  Stand-Off, Should Have Taken the L (at the convenience store), WTF Were You Even THINKING? (various fires, the balcony).

RUNNING TOTAL: 22 FMF Points. 

I can't recall Florida Man ever earning eight points for a single caper before — a record.

Unsafe at Any Speed

PIT maneuver stops drunken Florida woman fleeing troopers at 145 mph

You know how when you're driving recklessly and the highway patrol catches you the best thing you can do is speed away even more recklessly hitting 145 mph?

No?

And then when the police finally force your car to a stop with one of those awesome PIT maneuvers, the best thing you can do is take off on foot and then resist when they chase down your drunk self?

Still no?

One more question: what the hell is a 21-year-old Tampa girl doing with a BMW?

SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Police Chase (car), Fleeing (on foot), Drugs/Alcohol, Caught on Video.

RUNNING TOTAL: 27 FMF Points.

Exit Question: should I make "PIT Maneuver/Stop Sticks" a new category?

Previously on Florida Man Friday: Grand Theft Auto 6 Stole My Stolen Identity

So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?

Five scored stories with a total of 27 points for a record-breaking average of 5.4.

What a way to end the year!

Next week I'll have a Florida Man Best of 2023 compilation. If there's a story that got stuck in your head, shoot me an email and I'll put it in contention.

Meanwhile, in Utah...

Don't pet the massive wildlife:

The incident took place when Utah Man — who described himself to KUTV as "definitely an idiot in this scenario" — and his girlfriend spotted the animal during an early Thanksgiving celebration. "I crossed through the fence. I started walking back near the fence. By the time I got back to the fence, he had followed me all the way over, and I was like, 'Oh that's pretty cool,' " he said of approaching the bison.

It's always pretty cool until you get gored by a bison.

Also, "Gored By Bison" would be an excellent name for a Utah-based punk band.

A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...

Florida Man Friday!

Merry Christmas — I'll see you next week.

P.S. Don't miss the "Five O'Clock Somewhere" VIP Gold Live Chat with Stephen Kruiser and Yours Truly at 3 p.m. Eastern on Mondays and Fridays. There is sometimes a special guest and almost always day-drinking. 

You can join the cause (and the cocktails) right here.