Florida Man Friday is your much-needed break from the serious news and this week we have a fake Joker, a real stolen ambulance, a molested manatee statue, and Colorado's most audacious trial attorney.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man in stolen ambulance leads deputies on chase... straight to sheriff's office
YES! It's been weeks since I got to open Florida Man Friday with a stolen ambulance story.
Florida Man must have been on all the drugs when a deputy and an EMS were helping him during an "altered mental state," and — Fox 35 Orlando helpfully reports —"also allegedly possibly under the influence of drugs."
Mmm... could be.
The details are sketchy and, if I were the deputy or the EMS, I wouldn't want to get into them, either. But while assistance was being rendered to whacked-out Florida Man, he "somehow gained access to the inside of the ambulance and wound up driving away from the scene."
A lot is hanging on that one word, "somehow," and the report is going to be classic if I can ever find it.
Florida Man took off in the ambulance, Deputy Man took off after him in his cruiser, and — speaking of sketchy details — for whatever reason, Florida Man decided to park his gently used ambulance on the lawn of the Columbia County Sheriff's Office Operations Center.
Convenient, yes?
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Stolen Ambulance, Drugs/Alcohol, Police Chase, Houdini, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
TOTAL: 5 FMF Points.
You Must Be Joking
The Florida Joker — aka Lawrence Sullivan — is threatening to sue Rockstar Games for using his likeness in the new Grand Theft Auto 6. GTA6 is set in the fictional state of Leonida, an obvious stand-in for Florida, and which seems like something that should have happened in maybe GTA2.
GTA6 features events based on real-life Florida antics but you don't see ME demanding any cash from Rockstar. Maybe I should hire an attorney.
Anyway, the picture at the top of FMF is Florida Joker and the picture just above is the GTA6 Joker, so you can decide for yourself.
To my eyes, it looks like Florida Joker is doing a full-on Joker but the GTA character is just a Joker-type character. I don't think even DC Comics could get any money from Rockstar for that. How a guy could get money for tattooing his face and neck like somebody else's intellectual property... nah.
Besides, you know Florida Joker would just spend the money on bath salts and more tattoos — which officially I'm against but as the writer of Florida Man Friday, I hope he gets a bundle.
SCORE: Neck/Face Tattoos, Impersonation, Went Viral, Glamour Mugshot (Of All Time).
RUNNING TOTAL: 9 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: MON DIEU! Paris Can't Get Enough of This Distinctly American Treat
Leave Some for the Rest of Us, Buddy
Florida Man faces multiple drug-related charges after traffic stop
Correction: When I wrote earlier that Columbia County Florida Man — the guy who stole the ambulance — was on all the drugs, I may have been mistaken. It seems he only had what little was left over from this guy in Naples.
Did you know that if you get pulled over by the police and you throw something illegal out your car window before the cop approaches, then it doesn't count? And even if it did count the police wouldn't notice? And that even if they did notice, they'd never find it?
You don't know that because that's never how it happens, no matter how many illegal things that Florida Man throws out of his window during routine traffic stops.
In this case, Florida Man was pulled over for swerving, crossing the yellow line, and almost hitting several curbs. He might have been too effed up to drive, but he was not too drunk to throw a semiautomatic pistol with an extended mag towards some trees.
Which is exactly where police found it. Inside the car, they found "marijuana, a grinder, Alprazolam and Oxycodone Hydrochloride pills and a roll of cash," plus several IDs that didn't look anything like Florida Man.
But wait, there's more!
In the trunk, they found "a red tool bag was found with multiple guns inside, a scale, dozens of THC vapes, mushrooms (psilocybin), more marijuana, ammunition, and a backpack filled with gloves and sandwich bags."
But getting rid of the gun... that was going to solve his problem.
This is what Naples police call "Tuesday night."
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Vehicular Madness, Glamour Mugshot, Weapon.
RUNNING TOTAL: 13 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida man seeks 1 million copies of 'Titanic' on VHS
That will not actually make him king of the world.
Let's Get Tattoos and Not Pay
Florida man who received 'Waffle House' tattoo arrested after refusing to pay for it
You know how you go and get a $250 Waffle House tattoo but you only have $6 on you and no debit card but you're thinking it's the perfect crime because how are they going to take a tattoo back?
No? Me neither.
In any case, Florida Man had to pay a $150 bond on top of the $250 he owes Ink Godz in St. Petersburg because, while the parlor can't take the ink back, the police could take Florida Man to jail.
SCORE: Criminal Mastermind, Humiliated by Press Release.
RUNNING TOTAL: 15 FMF Points.
Exit Question: A Waffle House tattoo, really?
Maybe the Manatee Statue Consented
Gator Nugget-Tossing Drunk Man ‘Molested’ Manatee Statue in FloridaYou know what I hate?
Sometimes you go down to Florida from Pittsburgh because you've got to get some of that sweet gator meat at Rick's Reef Bar in St. Pete that they call gator nuggets because they're like chicken nuggets but better because they're made from real alligators like Bobby says his shoes are even though they look totally fake and I'm maybe having some beers and some shots and stuff eating my nuggets and I gotta get more of these things but the waiter tells me I already paid my check like I'd forget something like that and they tell me I gotta leave because I'm being loud so I'm shoving gator nuggets in my pockets for later but on the way out I get distracted by this manatee statue so I start humping it to show that stupid waiter what I think of getting kicked out which is when I realize I can't eat gator nuggets out of my pockets so I run back inside to throw all these cold crushed nuggets at people then before the cops can catch me I run back to my hotel where I'm just shouting at desk clerk and people there because they can't get me more gator nugz and now I'm this Pinellas County lockup where they don't have any kind of nuggets at all.
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Tourist Who Just Can't Handle It, Drugs/Alcohol, Fleeing the Scene, Wildlife (Fake).
RUNNING TOTAL: 19 FMF Points.
Exit Question: Doesn't it seem like in most of these cases, the guy gets asked to leave the restaurant after he molests the manatee statue?
Previously on Florida Man Friday: 'I Just Got Out of Prison' T-Shirt Guy Just Got Sent Back
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 19 points for a respectable average of 3.8.
Maybe not the highest-scoring week ever, but we did get a fake Joker, a real stolen ambulance, and a molested manatee statue.
I'm calling this one a win.
Meanwhile, in Colorado...
Men who stole items from Kohl’s asked for lesser charges since items were ‘on sale’
If I ever need one, I want a trial attorney with this much chutzpah:
Officials said, according to KKTV, that the two men stole items from multiple Kohl’s stores. Kohl’s nicknamed the two the “KitchenAid Mixer Crew” because they stole KitchenAid appliances and other items.
Both men were identified from surveillance video at the stores, according to the news station. Green and Bolden pleaded not guilty.
Defense attorneys tried to suggest to a jury that the men should get a lesser charge because the items they stole were “on sale,” the DA’s office said.
Steal one, take one free!
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
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