Florida Man Friday is your much-needed break from the serious news and this week Florida Man and Woman have some records to break so let's get right to it and begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man faces 116 charges after high-speed chase and shooting incident in East ProvidenceIf "Repo Man" had been written by Florida Man instead of by Alex Cox.
Debbi: "Let's go do those crimes!"
Duke: "Yeah, let's go to East Providence, Rhode Island."
Or at least that's what I got out of Florida Man's recent arrest in East Providence following a shooting and a high-speed chase. No one seems to know exactly why Florida Man had come to East Providence, or what prompted the shooting.
What we do know is that he refused to stop for police, apparently threw several loaded rifle magazines out of his car during the chase, got in a wreck with three other vehicles, and then fled on foot before officers caught up and arrested him.
There was also a large backpack containing "three loaded Glock handguns, a pellet style rifle, and a bulletproof vest," proving once again that you can take the man out of Florida but you can't take Florida out of the man.
All told, he faces 116 charges — a new FMF record.
SCORE: Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Police Chase, Vehicular Madness, Tactical Gear, Tourist Who Just Can't Handle It.
TOTAL: 5 FMF Points.
When I Think About You...
Florida Man, apparently still touching himself in this Lake County Sheriff's Office mugshot.
Florida Man who exposed himself inside multiple Clermont stores says he was drugged
It's exhausting when you find you have to drop trou and play with yourself in front of people at a Pizza Hut, a Target, and then a massage parlor all in the same day.
I'm thinking that if Florida Man had started out at the massage parlor, he could have enjoyed (ahem) a happy ending rather than going to jail — again — for public exposure and possession of various drugs.
SCORE: Public Nudity, Crime Spree, Caught on Video, Impersonation (of Divinyls' Chrissy Amphlett), Drugs/Alcohol, Recidivism
RUNNING TOTAL: 11 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: MON DIEU! Paris Can't Get Enough of This Distinctly American Treat
Maybe Busy Hands Are the Devil's Playthings
Unlawful carry, aggravated assault, harassment: Florida Man back in jail for third time in a week.
What's Florida Man supposed to do a week after getting arrested for running through a pro-Palestinian protest and fleeing from police while illegally carrying a 12-inch Egyptian-style knife?
Everything, it seems:
The first time 43-year-old Florida Man was booked into the Palm Beach County Jail November 19, he was charged with unlawful carry of a concealed weapon and resisting arrest without violence with a citation for obstructing traffic by a pedestrian. The second time, early Friday morning, he was charged with possession of ecstasy or MDMA and aggravated assault with a deadly weapon. The latest incident happened Sunday evening: he was charged with harassment and sending written threats to kill or do harm.
An equal-opportunity offender, Florida Man also told the woman he'd been stalking and threatening that he "wanted to punch a Jew in the face."
I love the bit where Florida Man "was booked into the Palm Beach County Jail following a brief foot pursuit through traffic on Okeechobee Boulevard during a pro-Palestine protest while wearing short-shorts and holding a guitar with a knife beneath his shirt."
Short shorts, eh?
I don't even know what a 12-inch Egyptian-style knife looks like but I'm certain I need one.
SCORE: Crime Spree, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Drugs/Alcohol, Domestic Bliss, Fleeing Police, and in regards to the short shorts, a bonus WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 17 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Woman Hit in the Face by Husband’s Sausage
Nope, no way you're getting a comment from me on that one.
That Funny Money Is Funnier Than Usual
Woman tries to pay for purchase using fake money — then eats the money before arrest
You know what I hate?
I hate it when I have a few things I need to pick up at Walmart but I don't have enough money and also mostly because I don't like paying so I do this thing I do sometimes where I print up some money at home that looks just like the real thing even though Bobby is always telling me "You can't counterfeit real-looking twenties, you can't even change the ink cartridge without me showing you how every time" but I'll show him so I head over to Walmart and I'm buying all this stuff I need like a TV but there's this one store cop who's always giving me the eye even though she only caught me maybe a few times before and sure enough she wants to see the hundreds and twenties I got out for the cashier so I pull a real Cheech & Chong and start eating the money because how they going to arrest me for counterfeit money if there isn't any but it's real hard to eat paper and I only got a couple hundred in me before the police came and now I'm at that same damn North Miami Beach corrections center.
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Walmart, Crime of the Century, Caught on Video, Recidivism, Glamor Mugshot.
RUNNING TOTAL: 22 FMF Points.
He's With Stupid
Florida Man arrested while wearing ‘I just got out of prison’ T-shirt
Let's say you just got out of prison a few months ago and for lack of anything better to do, you're breaking into an unlocked car wearing your incognito "I Just Got Out of Prison" t-shirt.
Neighbors took notice and, despite the warming message of rehabilitation on Florida Man's t-shirt, called the police, who caught up with him a couple blocks away.
Trying to remain in Incognito Mode, when questioned about the car burglary, Florida Man refused to give his name and told them to call his lawyer.
There's just one little problem with being an ex-con and trying to hide your identity from the police. Ten of them, actually: fingerprints. So it didn't take long to take Florida Man out of Incognito Mode and back into jail.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Chutzpah, Recidivism, Master of Diguise.
RUNNING TOTAL: 25 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Who Put This Meth in My Underwear?
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a record-setting total of 25 points for a record-setting average of 5 FMF points per story.
Well done, Florida Persons. Give yourselves a pat on the back, assuming you can do that while wearing cuffs.
Meanwhile, in the Entertainment Industry...
Hugh Grant Says He Can’t ‘Unsee’ Naked Oompa Loompa Image The ‘Wonka’ Director Sent Him
I can't unsee it, either, even though I never saw it.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
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