Florida Man Friday: Who Put This Meth in My Underwear?

Love has always been the most tender of life's many mysteries, although sometimes it's much more mysterious than it is tender. Take the oh-so-mysterious case of Florida Man (his mugshot is at the top of this week's FMF) and Florida Girlfriend, for example.

Florida Man is enjoying a stay at the Lee County Jail after (allegedly!) shooting Florida Girlfriend in the arm.

These things happen. I try not to judge. It isn't easy though when Florida Man is sporting his current look, which I'm assured is not all the rage these days in Fort Myers. But love is blind and, perhaps, so is Florida Girlfriend.

The real mystery is why Florida Girlfriend tried to cover for the man who shot her.

Cops knew the two had a history of domestic violence, yet she told them "she had left the motel to buy a vape and discovered blood running down her arm and then noticed the gunshot wound."

These things happen. I try not to judge.

Then she told police she ran back to the room to tie a belt around her arm, and then back out to a local Rib City to report that she'd been shot. She also swore up and down that neither she nor Florida Man owned any firearms. Particularly since he's a convicted felon and really very seriously shouldn't have any.

Police found Florida Man, a gun, and ammunition in the motel room they shared — ah, sweet mystery of life, at last I've found you.

As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so. 

SCORE: Glamour Mugshot, Domestic Bliss, Drugs/Alcohol (the story doesn't say but... c'mon), Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Likely Story, Recidivism.

TOTAL: 6 FMF Points.

It's Always in the First Place You Look

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Drug Suspect Claims Someone Put Meth In His Underwear While He Slept

You know what I hate?

So sometimes after you get arrested because you maybe forgot to show up for your DUI hearing or trial or whatever the hell it was way back in 2022 because nobody can hardly remember that far back and as you're getting out of your street clothes to put on that stupid jail jumpsuit they make everybody wear which this other guy in lockup tells me he swears is unconstitutional but then the cops search your whole damn body even the part under your penis where somehow there's this cylinder full of meth but you tell the cops that it's really just Advil and it isn't yours anyway because somebody must have snuck into your underwear while you were asleep and tucked the Advil under your penis because people do that and then it looks like you're going to be spending even more time at the Indian River County Jail.

Don't you hate that, too?

SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Houdini, Recidivism, Likely Story.

RUNNING TOTAL: 10 FMF Points. 

Exclusively for our VIPs: Green Energy Chickens Have Come Home to Roost, Poop on Everything

The Coolest Thing You Will Ever See (Today)

"Florida man spotted boating with a half semi-truck, half pontoon recently in Big Pine Key. Doesn't get more Florida than that."

It really doesn't. I have nothing to add to that except for some bonus points.

SCORE: 3 bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness — and also may I have a ride?

RUNNING TOTAL: 13 FMF Points

Bonus Florida Headline: Florida man found with 3-foot gator in SUV facing charges

Pest Control, You're Doing It Wrong

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"My Zipper Was Broken"

Not that I've given this a whole lot of thought —I swear — but if I decided I needed to expose myself to strangers, I'd go somewhere I'd be unlikely to be recognized, take care of business quickly, and then make my escape.

What I would not do is drive up to a 76-year-old woman's house in a recognizable Massey Services pest control truck, introduce myself as I offered Massey's services, come inside to give a free estimate, ask to borrow the bathroom, then come out waving my penis and asking for help with my "broken" zipper.

(Let us pause here a moment to bask in the glory that Massey's motto is "Expect more, and get it.")

I certainly wouldn't do it twice, the first time offering lawn maintenance — and also with the "broken" zipper.

But then I am not Florida Man.

SCORE: Public Nudity, Crime of the Century, Crime Spree, Likely Story.

RUNNING TOTAL: 17 FMF Points. 

My Eyes Do Not Adore You

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Florida Woman stabs boyfriend's eye with rabies needle because he was looking at other women

Florida Woman got into an argument with her boyfriend of eight years about him looking at other women, stabbed him in the eye with her dog's rabies syringe before falling asleep in a car outside their apartment awaiting her arrest for aggravated assault.

I don't often give advice, but I've got a freebie today for Florida Man.

Look at another woman, buddy. Pretty much any other woman. 

SCORE: Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Domestic Bliss, WTF Were You Even THINKING?

RUNNING TOTAL: 20 FMF Points.

Previously on Florida Man Friday: 'All Gas, No Brakes' Is Truth in Advertising

So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?

Five scored stories with a total of 20 points for a respectable average of an even four points per story.

Plus, I got to run that mugshot at the top of the column and haunt your dreams all weekend long.

That's what we call top value for your VIP membership dollar.

Meanwhile, in Louisiana...

"A man was arrested after allegedly jumping out of an emergency hatch on a Southwest Airlines flight Sunday in New Orleans, climbing out onto the plane’s wing and attempting to run away as the aircraft was preparing to take off," but we still have no idea why.

A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...

Florida Man Friday

P.S. Don't miss the "Five O'Clock Somewhere" VIP Gold Live Chat with Stephen Kruiser and Yours Truly at 3 p.m. Eastern on Mondays and Fridays. There is sometimes a special guest and almost always day-drinking.