Florida Man Friday is your much-needed break from the serious news, so let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Truth in Advertising
Florida Man was out for a pleasant 3 a.m. drive through a residential Orlando neighborhood with his girlfriend. They were enjoying the late-night peace, taking in the scenery, and breaking into some parked cars.
Sadly, their quiet night was ruined when some nosey neighbor called the police, who arrived quickly on the scene. Polk County deputies recognized Florida Man's white Cadillac CTS from the description given by the tattletale and attempted to pull them over.
Later, authorities would find that Florida Man has a neck tattoo that reads, "All Gas, No Brakes," but we'll get back to that momentarily.
Instead of pulling over, Florida Man floored it, racing through the residential zone at "a high rate of speed," according to Sheriff Grady Judd, which is also "a terrible idea, and dangerous."
But in this case, it was so much more than that.
Here's the kicker, the line that will have you smiling all weekend: "Police did not follow the suspect since there was only one way in and out of the neighborhood." It's like Florida Man and Woman dove into the Death Star trash masher without any friendly droids available to radio for help.
Florida Man was unable to find the exit, which wouldn't have mattered much since that's where deputies were waiting for him. But he did find a parked car that he was able to use in place of his "no brakes" — by crashing into it at that high rate of speed.
Judging by the mugshot, Florida Man was not wearing his seatbelt. Drugs — surprise! — were found in the car.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Vehicular Mayhem, Face/Neck Tattoos, Glamor Mugshot, Drugs/Alcohol, Fleeing the Scene, Should Have Taken the L.
TOTAL: 6 FMF Points.
Now that's the kind of start I like.
Schnockers Really Satisfies
Florida Man accused of hiding drugs in ‘candy stash’
I hadn't thought of Wacky Packages in probably decades. If you were (or raised) a kid in the late '60s or '70s, you might remember the product parody stickers that, I'm finally now learning, weren't all that funny.
"DeMented Brand Rotten Tomatoes?" Really?
So you'd have to be pretty stoned to think that hiding your stash in a Milky Weed wrapper would fool the cops.
Enter Florida Man.
The Spring Hill home where he was staying had been under police surveillance for months, and when they finally came to the door, Florida Man answered and a wave of smoke poured out like a Cheech & Chong movie. While the police were looking around, Florida Man asked if he could grab his stuff and take off. There, right in front of the cops, Florida Man grabbed a joint. You know, one for the road.
The road to county lockup. After cuffing Florida Man and searching the place, they found "24.3 pounds of marijuana, 90 pounds of hashish (with packaging), 84 Xanax pills, 10 ounces of powder cocaine and paraphernalia" and a Glock. Some of the drugs were hidden in Wacky Packages-style fakes like Milky Weed, Kush Kat, and Almond Weed.
A previously convicted felon, Florida Man at last check remained in Hernando County jail on a $120,000 bond and facing pretty much all the charges.
While we wait to find out what happens next, please pass the Skittelz.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Master of Disguise, Recidivism, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 9 FMF Points.
Exclusively for Our VIPs: Maybe the Guy Who Ruined Thor Is the Guy Who Can Save Star Wars
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Florida Man helps take down carjacking suspect in Starbucks drive-thru
Wow.
Florida Hero Shane Spicer was in an Ocala Starbucks drive-thru while police were in a high-speed chase to nab Florida Man, who had (allegedly!) broken into someone's home and stolen their car. Florida Man crashed (of course he did) then tried to carjack a woman also in the Starbucks drive-thru.
Spicer, an Army veteran, decided Prouty wasn't going to slip away again.
"I’m going to get you, buddy!" Spicer said. "You’re not going anywhere now! You crossed the line!"
Body camera video shows Spicer again holding onto the suspect while officers run up to arrest him.
"I feel like if you’ve got the ability to watch out for someone, that you should," Spicer told Fox 35.
Bravo, sir. Any state would be proud to have you.
SCORE: Drive-Thru Mayhem, Police Chase, Recidivism, and a bonus point to Shane Spicer for Sheer Awesomeness.
RUNNING TOTAL: 13 FMF Points.
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida man arrested for pooping on dead possum on street during rush hour
We live in a society where there have to be laws against that kind of thing.
The Naked Truth About Breaking and Entering
Florida Man becomes underwear-baring bandit
You know what I hate?
Sometimes you know how you maybe drink a little too much and take some stuff that you're not exactly like 100% sure what it is but you didn't die or anything last time so YOLO and you take that stuff and it makes you just want to go out walking but it's all humid here in Florida so you ditch your pants and shirt and you see this guy and his daughter coming home and he seems nice and maybe they've got some nice stuff in there so you try the door but that guy's a real jerk cause he locked it so you go around the house trying the other doors but he's got those locked too and by now it's maybe three in the morning and you're wishing you really had some pants on now but that guy won't let you in to get some and by the time you're ready to give up and maybe go take some more of whatever the stuff was the cops show up and then you're sitting there in jail just know that Ring video is gonna end up online with you wearing nothing but stupid sneakers and those boxer briefs that could be cleaner.
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Public Nudity, Caught on Video.
RUNNING TOTAL: 16 FMF Points.
In California, They'd Have Had to Let Her Go
Florida Woman uses 'one more item' excuse to steal $330 worth of groceries
Florida Woman was almost done checking out at a Silver Springs Winn-Dixie when she told the cashier she needed to go back and get "one more item" and that she needed to take her cart to have something to lean on.
Instead, she pushed her cart right out of the store, loaded up the car with $330 worth of groceries, and left.
Cunning plan, no?
No.
Florida Woman forgot one tiny little detail: she'd swiped her Winn-Dixie card at the checkout lane, so the store knew exactly who she was. Police picked her up later that day at Family Dollar, where it is not known whether she was planning to pay.
SCORE: Crime of the Century, Likely Story, Getting Caught Stupidly,
RUNNING TOTAL: 19 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: He's McLovin' the High-Speed Police Chase
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 19 points for a respectable average of 3.8. Maybe not the highest-scoring FMF ever, but we got the All Gas, No Brakes tattoo and a drive-thru carjacking hero. I'm calling that a win.
Meanwhile, in Texas...
Texas Man Holding Drink Cup Full of Meth 'Confidently' Lets Warden Search Truck
There's nothing like a little misplaced confidence to land you in jail.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday!
P.S. Don't miss the "Five O'Clock Somewhere" VIP Gold Live Chat with Stephen Kruiser and Yours Truly at 3 p.m. Eastern on Mondays and Fridays. There is sometimes a special guest and almost always day-drinking. You can join the cause (and the cocktails) right here.
