Florida Man Friday is your much-needed break from the serious news so let's get right to it.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man with fake ‘MCLOVIN’ license plate takes cops on 110mph motorcycle chase
You know what I hate?
There's that awesome high school movie called Superbad and there's this really geeky kid with this fake ID from Hawaii and it says his name is McLovin just one word like Madonna and nobody would believe this runt is that cool but then he buys booze with it and then he shows it to some cops and the cops are like MAN WE GET TO HANG OUT WITH MCLOVIN and they do all kinds of wild stuff together so I figure I'll put a McLovin license plate — it's a fake from Hawaii too just like the geek kid — on the back of my bike and everybody will know I'm really McLovin because I'm not some awkward high school kid which is why I took my bike out doing 110 through all this traffic in a 45 and when the cops finally pull me over I'm all like THIS IS MY TIME WE GONNA DO SOME WILD STUFF TOGETHER just me and the cops but instead he acts like he's gonna arrest me so I try to drive away but then the bike slips a gear and falls on my foot and now it's broken so he finally arrest me so now I'm in jail and not even close to McLovin it.
Don't you hate that, too?
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Police Chase, Resisting Arrest, Impersonation, Should Have Taken the L.
TOTAL: 5 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Florida police officers lift car off man trapped underneath — 'somebody pull him out!'
This is a short clip and you've got to watch the whole thing.
Some details courtesy of Pilar Arias at Fox News:
Cape Coral police say officers were called just before 6 p.m. Monday for a man trapped under his car. When police arrived, they determined the jack the man used to hold up the car while he worked underneath it failed, causing the vehicle to fall on him.
Urgency can be heard in a video shared to Cape Coral Police Department's Instagram page, as an officer rushes up and is seen in bodycam footage placing his hands under the wheel well of a red car, lifts it and shouts "somebody pull him out!"
Carlos Romero told local TV station WBBH that he was helping his father-in-law replace the transmission at the time of the jack failure, and that he tried to lift the vehicle on his own, but could not.
"Through the officers’ quick response times and high levels of physical fitness, they saved a man’s life," Cape Coral PD wrote on Instagram. Their names are Officer Bridges and Officer Klakowicz.
Well done, men.
SCORE: 3 bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness.
RUNNING TOTAL: 8 FMF Points.
Exclusively for Our VIPs: Amateur Pr0n Star Goes Down in Virginia Election
He Should Have Gotten a Permit for That
Florida man tased, arrested after firing gun in air while drunk
You know how sometimes you get a little drunk or high and take your Glock out for a bike ride, shooting it into the air and threatening various people?
No? So it is just this guy then.
The Marathon police showed up as they tend to do when people like that do things like this. They told him to stop. He resisted instead. They tased him. He fell down. They arrested him. He's still there, held without bond.
It's a story as old as time and as fresh as this week's Florida Man headlines.
SCORE: Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Resisting, Tasered, Glamor Mugshot.
RUNNING TOTAL: 12 FMF Points.
Bonus Florida Headline: Human skull found for sale in Florida thrift store’s Halloween section
Karen would like to see the manager after having been assured that all the skulls here were vegan.
There's a Better Way
Florida Man charged with 27 counts for slashing tires, claims he's being demonized
When police arrest a guy for slashing 27 car tires, who then tells them he's being "demonized" for "dealing with secret government influence, commonly known as Masonic or federal," the cops know they've arrested a guy with issues a lot deeper than merely criminal.
"I was exposed to secret government information. I'm dealing with a federal case, and I'm being sabotaged. And I'm being sabotaged, too. I'm being demonized. I warned the CIA that," he said. Look, as a country we don't treat mental illness like we should. For the rest of us who haven't been driven that far, a little unsolicited advice.
Reading government information, secret or otherwise, will eventually drive you nuts. Just look at what has happened to readers of the New York Times and the Washington Post.
Take evenings off. Weekends, too. Turn off the news, avoid social media. You've got to detox your brain on a daily basis.
I like to aid the process along with a martini or a decent scotch, but you do you.
Or we're all going to end up out there slashing tires and telling fevered stories about the CIA.
No score on this one, just the hope that Florida Man gets the help he needs.
Cleanup on Aisle Four
Florida man accused of exposing himself to woman in Walmart aisle
There are three things in life you can be certain of. Everybody knows the first two, death and taxes. The second is that if you expose yourself at Walmart, you aren't the only one.
Just look at those YouTube results — and I could have scrolled all night, as Frederick Loewe and Alan Jay Lerner never wrote for "My Fair Lady."
It being a Wednesday night in Port Orange, Florida Man had nothing better to do than to go to Walmart and drop trou in front of a female shopper. Just another midweek excursion, right?
Not really. This is where it gets weird.
Walmart posted security images of The Man Without Pants on social media, hoping someone would recognize him. No dice. Instead, Florida Man — already on probation — turned himself in. Who saw that one coming?
SCORE: Public Nudity, Walmart, Caught on Video, Recidivism, Way to Take the L.
RUNNING TOTAL: 17 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Booty Patrol Would Like to See Something and It Isn't Your Papers
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Four scored stories (out of five) with a total of 17 points for a respectable average of 4.25.
Meanwhile, in Missouri...
Man accused of robbing Ozark bank ATM leaves ID at the scene
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday!
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