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Florida Man Friday: Booty Patrol Would Like to See Something and It Isn't Your Papers

(DeSoto County Sheriff's Office)

Florida Man Friday is your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, we have a banana that couldn't quite split, how to get a free turkey and an AR-15 to go with it, and the naked Nevada Man who shamed the Las Vegas PD.

Let us begin as we always do with...

The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)


Officials warn of ‘Booty Patrol’ truck they say is impersonating a Border Patrol vehicle.

Some enterprising young man — of course, he has to be young and male — ginned up a white Chevy Silverado to look kinda-sorta like a Border Patrol vehicle. It has the green stripes, the flashing lights — pretty much everything except instead of "Border Patrol" it says "Booty Patrol."

I have a Ben Franklin sitting in my wallet that says he has ZZ Top blaring on his Spotify and the most-played song is "Tush."

If this vehicle has tried to pull over you or anyone you know, or if you even just see this vehicle, "do not hesitate to reach out to the DeSoto County Sheriff's Office Criminal Investigative Division," according to its Facebook post, because "your cooperation is crucial in helping us address this issue and ensuring the safety of our community."

Is there anything more dangerous than some 20-something prankster with a silly truck scoping out bikini girls on the beach? I think NOT.

The comments are classic. "This is a show truck... No one is being pulled over. Nice try though." And, "He’s friends with my neighbor, so I see him at least once a week. I think it’s cool and funny."

Nevertheless, citizens, know that local law enforcement needs help staying abreast of all Booty Patrol developments. They've even called in the FBI.

Exit Question: This guy has a truck that screams BOOTY PATROL in great big letters on the sides and back and the Sheriff's Department needs help finding him? Try driving near the beach for 20 minutes, fellas.

As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.

SCORE: Impersonation, Someone's Bottom Area, Crime of the Century, and a bonus point for Booty Patrol.

TOTAL: 4 FMF Points.


He Split, Get It? I'll Show Myself the Door

Banana Tried To Give Police The Slip

What's worse than ending up in jail over what should have been a simple citation for public urination?

Ending up in jail wearing a banana suit. 

On Halloween, Florida Man was relieving himself against a building in Key West, right across from a bunch of Porta-Potties. If you're wondering why he didn't use one of the Porta-Potties, clearly you've never tried to fit into one while wearing a banana suit. Trust me, it isn't easy. And getting your banana suit all unzipped and zipped back up in there? Fuggidaboudit. Like trying to have sex in an airplane bathroom, it's rarely worth all the extra effort.

So the police showed up, and Florida Man tried to run. While wearing a banana suit. That is — trust me again on this one — even more difficult than the banana-suit-in-the-Porta-Potty thing. He tried zig-zagging but that didn't help. One of the cops grabbed his peel and it was nearly all over for Florida Man.

Instead of taking the L, he then "interlaced his fingers and held them tightly together" to try and avoid getting cuffed. He then got marched down to the station and booked on various misdemeanors, when he could have just gotten the one.

SCORE: Master of Disguise, Fleeing Police, Resisting Arrest, Public Nudity, Glamor Mugshot, Should Have Taken the L.

RUNNING TOTAL: 10 FMF Points.


Exclusively for Our VIPs: Did the Navy Finally Find a Mission for Its 'Little Crappy Ships'


The Great Cape Coral Turkey Shoot

Florida roofing company offering free AR-15, turkey, with purchase of new roof

It might be the greatest offer in the history of replacement roofing.

ROOF EZ iN Cape Coral promises, “Buy a roof from us this November and we will throw in a FREE turkey to roast on that brand-new roof. Plus, because we’re feeling extra generous, we’ll even throw in an AR-15."

Facebook quickly removed the post because they're no fun at all, but ROOF EZ put another one right back up because they're awesome.

If you need me, I'll be throwing ten-pound bags of ice at my roof, trying to create hail damage.

SCORE: Weapon (Preferably Unusual), plus 3 bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness.

RUNNING TOTAL: 14 FMF Points.


Bonus Florida Headline: Florida man tells deputies ‘these aren’t my pants’ drugs found inside.

He was just wearing them for a friend.


But Why Is the Rum Gone?


Florida Woman whacks man in head with hammer during argument about rum

You know what I hate?

I hate it when I'm having a pretty good Wednesday but I drank the last beer so I'm looking for the rum we keep in the kitchen but it isn't there so I go see Bobby in the garage and ask him why is the rum gone and he says he doesn't ever drink rum and I'm all like "Bobby I know you drink rum because that time you dressed up like a pirate and made me put on that wench costume and then we drank so much rum that I don't even remember what happened next and you were all like 'that's what I'm talking about' you sicko" so I grabbed that hammer we sometime gotta use on the palmetto bugs when they get real big and I whack you on the head with it because I know you got that rum somewhere but the cops show up and arrest me for drunk and disorderly when I wasn't even all that disorderly just the thing with the hammer and now I'm in county lockup and they don't have rum here neither.

Don't you hate that, too?

SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Domestic Bliss.

RUNNING TOTAL: 17 FMF Points.


Been Caught Stealing

 
Florida Woman breezes past Walmart checkout because she thought guard was trying to 'holler' at her

Is this a great moment in cluelessness or a great moment in chutzpah?

YOU make the call!

Florida Woman was doing a little light shoplifting at an Ocala Walmart for about three hours (three hours?) "before walking into the tire center, passing several cash registers, and leaving the store." Not exactly fooled by her leisurely pace, an asset protection specialist (they have those now) tried to talk to her before she actually exited and transmogrified from slow shopper to shoplifter.

She walked out anyway, got arrested, and you can figure out the rest.

But here's the killer line: "In a post-Miranda interview, Eaves told deputies the security guard started talking to her, but she thought he was trying to ‘holler,' so she ran out of the store."

Miss, I'll say this as gently as I'm able. HE WAS HOLLERING AT YOU BECAUSE YOU WERE STEALING FROM THE STORE.

SCORE: Walmart, Criminal Mastermind, Likely Story, and a bonus point for Chutzpah.

TOTAL: 21 FMF Points.


Previously on Florida Man Friday: No Playing Around, It's 'The Florida Man Games'


So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?

Five scored stories with a total of 21 points for a respectable average of 4.2.

Before we wrap for the week, please remember to keep an eye out for that Booty Patrol truck and report it immediately. We wouldn't want any silly fun happening in DeSoto County.

Meanwhile, in Nevada...

(A big naked thank you to everyone who sent me this one, and I do mean everyone.)

Nevada Man stole a police truck while naked?!?

A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...

Florida Man Friday!

P.S. Don't miss the "Five O'Clock Somewhere" VIP Gold Live Chat with Stephen Kruiser and Yours Truly at 4 p.m. Eastern on Mondays and Fridays. There is sometimes a special guest and almost always day-drinking. You can join the cause (and the cocktails) right here.

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