Florida Man Friday is your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week we have the introduction of the first-ever Florida Man Games, how not to show the police what you’re packing, and the Indiana stripper who will do anything for work (but not that).
Let us begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man wanted by cops leaves goofy whiteboard message but fools no one
Sheriff’s Deputies were on the lookout for Florida Man because he was wanted for aggravated battery, false imprisonment, and second-degree tampering, I assume because it was Tuesday. He has grand theft auto on Mondays, public exposure/drunk & disorderly on Wednesdays, and, well, you get the idea. He’s a busy man.
When deputies arrived at the Lakeland home where Florida Man was known to stay, they found a sign on the door that said, “Johnny Yates does NOT live here!!”
“Good to know,” one deputy said before they turned around and left is exactly what didn’t happen.
ASIDE: Usually, I don’t mention suspects’ names because of the presumption of innocence and all that but what am I supposed to do when he writes it on a sign?
Instead, somebody else seen leaving the house told deputies that, yeah, Johnny Yates was in there along with some other folks. Reports do not indicate whether or not the unnamed person then said, “I mean Johnny Yates is NOT in there. Oh, man, Johnny is gonna kill me.”
What happened next involved deputies surrounding the house, yelling through a bullhorn for Johnny to come on out, and then finally deploying enough Surrender Smoke inside to force most everyone out. Florida Man remained inside, where a K9 cop found him “hiding in a modified chest of drawers.” From the sound of it, he’d made himself a tiny hidey-hole out of furniture, well in advance.
Johnny’s friends were just as cooperative, and now they face a bunch of charges, too. The Polk County Sheriff’s Office had some fun, posting on Facebook: “Gee… a dry-erase board never lied to us before—should we believe it?”
Maybe the problem was one of emphasis. With that in mind, I’ve created a helpful revision that Johnny can use the next time he finds himself on the lam.
Exit Question: Why did they have a whiteboard? If there’s a Florida Man version of Pictionary, I’ve got to have it.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Likely Story, Criminal Mastermind, Recidivism, Stand-Off, Humiliated by Press Release, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
TOTAL: 6 FMF Points.
Olympic Sports, Florida Style
Inaugural ‘Florida Man Games’ seeking contestants
The Florida Man Games come to St. Augustine next year on Feb. 24. Events include Weaponized Pool Noodle Mud Duel, Evading Arrest Obstacle Course (involving actual police officers), Category 5 Cash Grab, a Race Against Time event involving “a catalytic converter, two bikes, and a handful of copper pipes,” and Beer Belly Florida Sumo.
There will also be a mullet contest, so you’d better get yours growing TODAY.
I stand in awe at the organizers, I really do. But they’ve left out Stolen Police Cruiser Joyride, Theme Park Brawl, and, of course, Meth Sphinctathlon. (Hat tip, Kruiser, for nailing that last one down.)
What events would you add? Share them in the comments!
SCORE: Three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness.
RUNNING TOTAL: 9 FMF Points.
Exclusively for Our VIPs: No Justice Is Possible for the Killers of Retired Cop Andreas Probst
Florida Man drops his pants, yells ‘Where’s my weapon’ while exposing self to deputies
You know what I hate?
I hate it when I’m having a nice little argument shirtless out in the street with my lady friend because maybe we’ve had a few too many which is just the right amount you know what I’m sayin’ and just when it’s getting good because I’m out there really letting it rip is when the police show up and then I’m all like yelling at them too and asking if maybe they want to fight me and they’re shouting at me about how much I’ve had to drink but I already told you I had just the right amount which is why I’m all “Let’s go! Let’s go! I’m swinging on everybody” but the cops are trying to talk me down and that’s just stupid so I want them to know “I ain’t brandishing s***” because I’m ready for a brawl not a gunfight which is why I dropped my pants and am just swinging in the breeze but nobody wanted a good fight so I just sat down and let them arrest me already.
Don’t you hate that, too?
Pro Tip: “I ain’t brandishing s***” is not the last thing to say before exposing yourself.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Resisting, Public Nudity, Way to Take the L.
RUNNING TOTAL: 13 FMF Points.
Bonus Florida Headline: ‘It’s huge’: Florida man finds iguana hiding in his toilet
I refused to read past the headline on the off chance that iguana was a euphemism.
A Weekend to (Try to) Remember
Florida Man allegedly threatened to shoot someone at CVS unless given ‘all bottles’ of Viagra
Florida Man, age 23, walked into an Orlando CVS with a handwritten note.
“Please cooperate, I don’t want to hurt you. You are not to alarm anybody or I will shoot the closest person to me!” The note demanded employees give him “all bottles” of oxycodone, hydrocodone, Xanax, Adderall, liquid codeine, and Viagra.
Throw in a couple of strippers and you’ve got a party to rival a typical Friday night in the balcony at Studio 54.
I suppose you have to admire this young man’s ambition.
Sure enough, though, the police quickly arrived and arrested Florida Man after a short foot chase. They found him with “dozens of bottles of pills” and, I’d wager, somewhat altered plans for Friday night. Once in custody, he confessed to a similar crime somewhere in Central Florida
Exit Question: After this and that story from a few weeks ago about the old guy selling illicit Viagra at the retirement community, should I add “Viagra” to the FMF point list?
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Crime Spree, Police Chase, Crime of the Century.
RUNNING TOTAL: 17 FMF Points.
I Can’t Drive 55 Or Even Double That
Florida Woman allegedly attacks trooper with fingernails after 120-mph drunken joyride
Police pulled over Florida Woman, drunk and possibly stoned, for doing 120 in a 55, possibly saving her life. She was so grateful that, during her arrest, she thankfully dug her long fingernails into the arresting officer’s hands.
This was Florida Woman’s third DUI in the last ten years, and there was weed in the car and no insurance. However in Florida Woman’s defense, maybe she didn’t have car insurance because nobody would sell her any.
I’m going to say this again for the slow kids, not that I expect them to listen to their Uncle VodkaPundit. If you’ve got drugs in the car, do the speed limit.
That’s it. That’s all the advice.
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Resisting, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Recidivism.
RUNNING TOTAL: 20 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: I’ve Seen a Junker on the Highway Before but Never Like This
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 20 points for a respectable average of 4 FMF points. We’ve had higher-scoring weeks, but we’ve never had any Florida Man quite like Johnny.
Meanwhile, in Indiana…
Indiana Woman Steals Car To Get To Stripper Job Interview, Says She Shouldn’t Be Arrested Because She Returned It
“You returned it? That’s just fine then. You’re free to leave,” is exactly what the police didn’t say.
Still, there’s no questioning the young lady’s work ethic.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…
Florida Man Friday!
P.S. Is “Cannonball Run” one of the greatest movies of all time or what? And don’t you dare answer, “Or what!”
P.P.S. Don’t miss the “Five O’Clock Somewhere” VIP Gold Live Chat with Stephen Kruiser and Yours Truly at 4 p.m. Eastern on Mondays and Fridays. There is sometimes a special guest and almost always day-drinking.
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