Florida Man Friday is your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week we have a late-night excavator joyride, how to get your lawsuit dismissed with complete prejudice, and Seattle Man’s unique drinking problem.
Let us begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man’s wild excavator joyride ends in Walmart wreck
There’s a bit of ancient Armenian wisdom I learned many years ago from an old man who ran a dolma food cart in downtown San Francisco: “Hotwiring an excavator rarely works out well for you or for the excavator.”
Ancient Armenians were well ahead of their time in so many ways.
For reasons perhaps not even known to him, Florida Man hotwired an excavator at a Gainesville construction site on Monday night, crashed it into several buildings at the site, then “drove it down several roads, knocking into buildings, fences, and light poles.” Eventually, he crashed through the front of a local Walmart and several of Walmart’s typical late-night customers very nearly noticed.
Florida Man caused an estimated $2 million in damages, thanks in part to his forward-thinking act of extending the excavator’s boom for maximum effect.
Newbies might think that Florida Man probably fled the scene once the excavator stalled in front of the Walmart’s new drive-thru. But we aren’t newbies, are we? So it comes as no surprise that Florida Man grabbed his machete (of course he had a machete) and ran inside.
He ditched the knoife (thank you, Crocodile Dundee) before police arrived but resisted arrest, anyway.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Resisting Arrest, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Face/Neck Tattoos, Walmart, Recidivism, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
TOTAL: 7 FMF Points.
What a start!
Just a Quick Dip
Video Shows Miami Woman Getting Naked, Jumping Into Water With 3-Year Old Nephew To Avoid Arrest
At first, I wasn’t going to run this story, even with that perfectly lurid headline. But there was a three-year-old child involved and probably a crazy person. But then there was a big reveal at the end of Local 10’s writeup, which I’ll get to in a moment.
It seems that Florida Woman and Florida Sister were out breaking floodlights along Brickell Avenue in Miami. They were pretty good at it because police determined they’d broken 14 in all.
Practice, amirite?
And they had three-year-old Florida Nephew along because how else is he ever going to learn YOLO.
When the police showed up, as they always seem to do during one of these floodlight-breaking sprees, Florida Woman grabbed Florida Nephew, jumped in the water, then proceeded to strip naked while throwing her wet clothes at the police.
The sister disappeared. The boy is with the Florida Department of Children and Families. You can see why I didn’t want to run this story.
But here’s the kicker: She was looked at, and a police captain said, “I guess it was decided that she was in a normal state of mind and could face charges.”
What do you have to do in Florida before people realize you’re not well?
On second thought, don’t answer that.
SCORE: Public Nudity, Water Hazard, Caught on Video, Resisting Arrest, Glamor Mugshot.
RUNNING TOTAL: 12 FMF Points.
Exclusively for Our VIPs: My Internet Sex Videos Somehow Got on the Internet
Thank You, Please Drive Through
Florida Man arrested after crashing car into Lakeland home
You know what I hate?
You know when you’re doing a little residential neighborhood joyriding in the middle of the night because the kids aren’t out playing or riding their bikes so it’s totally safe to push the pedal down until you’re doing 100 miles per hour or better and you haven’t even hit any mailboxes but that’s when you remember those curves are meant for drivers going 35, maybe 40 tops, and the reason you remember is you missed that last turn and now you’re parked halfway into some guy’s house and maybe a couple people in there got hurt so you take off on foot but the police show up and arrest you anyway even though you’re all like, “Man, I ain’t even driving the thing no more.”
Don’t you hate that, too?
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Fleeing the Scene, Glamor Mugshot.
RUNNING TOTAL: 15 FMF Points.
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Woman Says She Makes About $26K a Month as a Topless Maid — Here’s How
She’s topless, that’s how.
#SavedYouAClick
‘The Law Is an Ass’ and So Is This Guy
Florida Man Tells Court To ‘Go F*#$ Themselves’
Let us travel now on wings of joy to the Florida panhandle, where Florida Man — representing himself in court as the plaintiff in an unspecified case — decided not to pursue litigation, after all.
He filed a Notice of Voluntary Dismissal and, just for spice, further “Notice That the Court Can Go F*** Itself.”
“This plaintiff also notifies this clown ass court that this court and Mira can go f*** themselves. F*** you b****es.”
It isn’t clear who Mira is but I’m guessing she’s somewhere on the right side of the Hot/Crazy Axis.
In case the point had not been driven home quite forcefully enough, the notice ends with “NOT Respectfully submitted.”
SCORE: Since we don’t know the details, I’m handing out a record-tying five bonus points for Chutzpah.
RUNNING TOTAL: 20 FMF Points.
Several No Candy Bars Were Harmed in This Story
Florida Man couldn’t buy cigarettes at Walgreens, so he attacked with candy
There’s an old saw that the best weapon is whatever is on hand. Or, in a pinch, several delicious Snickers bars. Your mileage may vary.
Florida Man went to a Walgreens in Clearwater Beach at 1 a.m. on Monday to buy a pack of cigarettes. Asked to show ID, the 23-year-old — I love this part, I really do — showed the clerk a picture of his ID instead.
That’s not good enough under Walgreens’ policy, so the clerk refused to make the sale. Our hero became irate and the manager showed up to assist. That’s when Florida Man, who appeared “highly intoxicated,” assaulted the clerk’s manager with “several Snickers bars.”
This bit from the Miami Herald story is priceless:
Deputies reviewed the surveillance footage and saw the suspect throwing the candy, which hit the victim in the chest. The officer noted that the act looked “very intentional” and “against the will” of the employee, who was not injured.
If there are stores with employees who want you to throw candy bars at them, don’t tell me.
Here’s what I want to know: Why did Florida Man have a photo of his photo ID? Did he figure he might lose it someday, and took a picture of it to carry around, just in case? It isn’t like you can take a picture of your ID after you lose it.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Convenience Store, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Caught on Video.
RUNNING TOTAL: 24 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Florida Jones and the Giant Hamster Wheel of Doom
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 24 points for a near-record average of 4.8 points.
I really feel like Florida Man has been giving us his all lately and I hope he’s feeling all of our love.
Meanwhile, in Washington State…
Seattle Man Chugs Gasoline When Cops Locate Him During Active Burglary
Money line: “As [police] approached the car, the man picked up the gas can and began to chug it. The officers ask the man to put it down, and after taking a chug, he puts the can down, wipes his mouth, and tells them: “I’m good.”
No, sir. No, you are not.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…
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