Florida Man Friday: Ready! Fire! Aim!

Florida Man is about to go off the leash as Governor Ron DeSantis begins opening up the state once more. If you thought there would be fewer Florida Man stories to report this week — never fear! But I do have a bit of a surprise waiting for you at the end of this week’s thrill-a-minute episode of…

Florida Man Friday!

Let us begin as we always do with…

The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)

Florida Man arrested for attempted overthrow of Venezuelan government.

2 of those arrested are American mercenaries pic.twitter.com/gECcmB2grF

— CNW (@ConflictsW) May 4, 2020

The coup attempt appears to have been doomed from the start. Authorities moved in on Venezuelan exiles that Goudreau had been training in Colombia. Then, the Venezuelan government arrested Berry and Denman on a boat as they attempted to enter the country. The two were placed in restraints and paraded in front of cameras. Meanwhile, Gourdreau appears to be in Florida doing media interviews.

I hate socialist thugs like Nicolas Maduro, and wish someone would finally overthrow the guy. Plus, Florida Man could have had his own country. I want you to think about that.

Good Samaritan, Florida-Style

🐊🐊🐊 pic.twitter.com/eHMRBa85V5

— Shy Dog Mountain Resort (@ShyDogMountain) May 7, 2020

No gators or motorists were harmed in the making of this motion picture.

Don’t Come Around Here No More

(Mugshots courtesy of local authorities.)

Florida Man & Woman arrested for shooting flare gun at two people.

There was drinking involved. Also, a shootout (of sorts), an attempt to serve legal papers, and resisting arrest. This story pretty much has it all except for a gator on bath salts:

The woman said Harwood became combative while she and her colleague were trying to serve papers, according to Monroe County deputies. The man moved away back to his car when Nash shot a flare gun at the man and woman from the balcony.

The man, a process server, got his legally concealed firearm and pointed it at Nash while telling him to stop shooting. Monroe County deputies said more flares were fired, which narrowly missed the man with one bouncing off the hood of the car.

The man did not fire his weapon during the incident, according to Monroe County deputies. He held Nash at gunpoint until deputies arrived.

Never bring a flare gun to a pistol fight.

Not All Heroes Wear Capes

"You saved my life."

A Florida woman performed the Heimlich maneuver on a neighbor who ran across the street and banged on her door after choking on a piece of steak.⁣ A home security camera captured the entire incident. https://t.co/O18L5En69T pic.twitter.com/R2oL8FsBNl

— ABC News (@ABC) May 14, 2020

Wow.

I have the Red Cross training but always wonder if I’d remember it in a pinch.

Florida Woman remembered.

Science!

(Image by Alexas_Fotos from Pixabay.)

Florida lizard breaks world poop record, dies constipated.

I tried to find a picture of a constipated-looking lizard to illustrate this item, but no luck. You’ll just have to make do with a ceramic frog having a bowel movement.

¡Viva la Revolución!

After seeing Karl Marx trending in Florida, I started imagining headlines.

Florida man attempts to unionize meth cooks with tragic results.

Floridians seize means of production at Disney. Cinderella faces guillotine.

Florida man establishes jet ski vanguard.

— Beau of The Fifth Column (@BeauTFC) May 12, 2020

This guy is good.

News Brief: Only in Florida

• Florida Man arrested after stabbing victim with “homemade throwing star.” (If Florida Man ever becomes a real ninja, we are so screwed.)

• Florida Woman arrested after beating husband with Mother’s Day bouquet. (I had this one pegged as a fake, but it checked out.)

• Florida Man punches officer after refusing to pay Chili’s bill.

• Florida Woman is arrested for lying on a closed beach with a ‘we are free sign’ and refusing to move in a protest against coronavirus restrictions. (It’s hard to believe that The Daily Mail ran this story without a picture of a woman in a bikini, but believe me, I checked.)

• Florida Man loses leg while surfing, 13-year-old diver finds it, returns it to him. (Don’t worry — the leg was prosthetic.)

And now, back to our regularly scheduled news.

Spoiler: He Isn’t Hot

Florida man, 32, is arrested for exposing his genitals to women while driving but he claims he was just 'hot' https://t.co/1XBUdJbVat

— Daily Mail US (@DailyMail) May 15, 2020

Moving right along…

Previously On Florida Man Friday: Full Speed Reverse!

They Were Meant for Each Other

(Mugshot courtesy of local authorities.)

Florida man attacked her with beer. Florida woman attacked him with screwdriver. Both charged.

They’d met three weeks prior at StarcrossedLoversWithTempers.com.

What the Hell Am I Looking At?

“Florida Woman”…diaper and pacifier in front of LEGO Land. I miss my old state. pic.twitter.com/JXCabIBhJV

— Ray Carvajal (@carvajalray1) May 12, 2020

Seriously: What the hell am I looking at?

Melissa and I took the boys to Legoland a few years ago, I swear we didn’t see anything like that.

Not All Heroes Wear Capes II

(Screencap courtesy of TikTok.)

Florida Man treats 87-year-old grandma to at-home salon day during pandemic.

You’ll want to click over and watch the video, which I really can’t do justice to here.

Manners Maketh Florida Man

(Image by out5ourcestores from Pixabay.)

Florida Man attacks victim who didn’t thank him for holding open door to liquor store, deputies say.

Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but I do my drinking after I get back from the liquor store, not before I go.

Baby on Board

Florida woman in labor can’t make it past hospital entrance, security guard delivers baby – NewsVerses @ https://t.co/hv6hnHXHzp pic.twitter.com/F0rAJ7NCF6

— NewsVerses (@NewsVerses) May 10, 2020

True story.

The night my wife Melissa went into labor with our first, we very nearly didn’t make to the hospital until it was too late for her to get an epidural.

My wife is not the natural childbirth type. She’s more the “I want all the drugs even heroin if I’m going to push a baby out of me” type.

Nevertheless, she accidentally woke me up at around 3:30 in the morning, sitting backward on a folding chair she’d dragged into the shower so she could let the hot water pound her back.

“What’s wrong?” I asked.

“I keep having stomach cramps and my back is killing me.”

Me, after a thoughtful pause: “How are apart are your… stomach cramps?”

“Every four or five minutes, I guess.”

“Yeah, we need to leave right now.”

When we did get to the hospital about ten minutes later, the nurse on desk duty took one look at Melissa coming down the hall and got her a wheelchair. Not long after, the delivery nurse told us if we’d gotten there five minutes later, Melissa would have had to deliver the baby without the drugs.

Personally, I’m pretty sure she would have sent me out for some heroin.

It’s Always in the Last Place You Look

(Photo courtesy of local authorities.)

FHP K-9 sniffs out cocaine hidden in Florida man’s taco box.

There’s a taco place about ten minutes from here and the carnitas are so good I swear they put cocaine in them. Maybe that’s what happened to Florida Man.

Spread the Love And/Or Wuhan Virus

(Mugshot courtesy of local authorities.)

Florida Woman who tried to kiss strangers calls 911 about lack of social distancing.

I got nothin’.

Swimming Hole, Retail Version

Florida Man's wanted for jumping into Bass Pro Shops fish aquarium & going for a swim (Daniel Armendariz/FB) https://t.co/DXSWZeS4av pic.twitter.com/x5bFEYnBwg

— Busted Coverage (@bustedcoverage) May 15, 2020

Obviously this was pre-planned… but why?

Meanwhile, in Georgia…

Georgia officials warn of 4-foot-long invasive lizards that eat "anything they want" https://t.co/cjZakYeOkE pic.twitter.com/OiO3ZAuz6S

— The Hill (@thehill) May 14, 2020

Meanwhile, in California…

I’m dead 😂☠️ When I got back from the store all the goats had broken through the fence and were recking havoc on our street

This is the craziest thing to happen all quarantine 🐐🐐🐐 pic.twitter.com/Hc7XpuiBdT

— Zach Roelands (@zach_roelands) May 13, 2020

All these wild stories from all these other states make me think that maybe we’ve taken advantage of Florida’s sunshine law. Maybe it isn’t fair to highlight the antics of the people of just one state when there are 49 others in this vast land of ours. Perhaps we should remember that columns like this one weren’t what the Florida Assembly had in mind when they passed the country’s most liberal open records act.

Perhaps the mere idea of highlighting the acts of failed criminals, deviant drug users, and lonely sex addicts is beneath a great and free people. Perhaps, next week, and every week after, we should devote ourselves to the spiritual, to the uplifting, to human acts of warmth and goodness, both small and great, wherever they may be found…

I’ll see you right here next week for the next exciting episode of Florida Man Friday.