Culture

Florida Man Friday: Full Speed Reverse!

(Photo courtesy of Citrus County Sheriff.)

Here in my car
I feel safest of all
I can lock all my doors
It’s the only way to live
In cars

From “Cars” by Gary Numan

Numan apparently never met Florida Man (or Utah Kid) or he’d have written a completely different song, as you’ll see on this week’s thrill-a-minute episode of…

Florida Man Friday!

Let us begin as we always do with…

The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week) (Video Edition)

At what point during any of this would the driver, perhaps recognizing that something is wrong because they’re going all over the place backwards, simply remove their foot from the gas? They wouldn’t even need to brake.

Still, kudos to the engineers at General Motors. I would have bet that a sedan could never get that kind of climb onto two other cars, and that the job would have required at least a CUV if not an actual offroad vehicle.

Personal Responsibility, Florida-Style

(Mugshot courtesy of local authorities.)

“I ain’t got time for all of this”: Florida Woman empties wine bottle in car, tells officer to arrest her

Florida Woman is my spirit animal:

WCJB reported that an off-duty officer pulled over 27-year-old Zantana Shantay Cannon after seeing her drive erratically, swerve and run a traffic stop.

During the stop, the officer said he observed Cannon empty a bottle of wine onto the floorboard of the passenger side of the vehicle. He also saw three children in the car.

WCJB reported that when a Marion County deputy arrived to conduct a sobriety test, Cannon allegedly said, “No, I’m drunk. I’m telling you I’m drunk. Just put me in handcuffs. I ain’t got time for all this.”

Except for the part with the kids. Never do that with the kids, OK?

He’s Right, You Know

This is an epic — and necessary! — rant from Florida Man.  Maybe you don’t agree with his style, and yes the store has the right to insist people wear masks inside, but right now we’re all feeling his frustration.

A Plague of Locusts? No: Gators… Termites… Everything

(Image by Roy Buri from Pixabay.)

And…

Termites are swarming to SWFL, Truly Nolen says

PLUS: Look out and under your cars; gator mating season is heating up in Florida.

PLUS-PLUS: Manatees swim up to Florida woman’s home, munch on grass while alligator lurks nearby.

Not All Heroes Wear Capes

You keep being awesome, Florida Men.

Busted

(Mugshot courtesy of local authorities.)

Florida Woman, 56, Busted After Allowing Her Breasts To Break Quarantine.

“A Florida Woman who insisted to cops that she was allowed to go topless while cleaning out her garage–in full view of her neighbors–was arrested for indecent exposure, according to a police report.”

If we’re no longer allowed to perform simple household chores without our clothes on anymore, then why did we fight the British?

The Return of Florida Iguana Madness

Previously on FMF:

Florida officials urge residents to kill iguanas.

Pellet-gun toting iguana-hunter accidentally shoots pool boy.

PETA urges: If you’re killing iguanas, do it in the “kindest manner possible.”

South Florida hot tub becomes ‘Porta-Potty’ for iguanas.

Judge Cicconetti orders Florida man who threw iguana not to go ‘around bragging’ about what he did.

‘Falling iguana’ alert issued in Florida due to cold temperatures: ‘Don’t assume that they’re dead.’

Florida Man hunting iguanas with pellet gun prompts lockdown at 2 nearby schools.

Florida City Facing $1.8M in Repair Costs from Invasive Iguanas Burrowing Near Dam.

This week: ‘They are huge’: Watch iguanas take over a small park behind The Falls mall.

At least it isn’t murder hornets.

Seriously, I haven’t slept since I first saw a murder hornet photo, and I might not sleep again until President Trump announces an Apollo-scale program to drive those things into extinction.

Gran in the Time of Coronavirus

These reports are way better than the ones about petty criminals coughing on police and claiming the be COVID-infected — and there are more of them, too.

Any Port in a Storm

(Image by Samir Gambhir from Pixabay.)

Florida Man arrested after trying to quarantine on private Disney island.

Now this is what I call self-quarantining:

Orange County Sheriff’s deputies found Richard McGuire on Disney’s Discovery Island on Thursday. He said he’d been there since Monday or Tuesday and had planned to camp there for a week, according to an arrest report.

The 42-year-old said he didn’t hear numerous deputies searching the private island for him on foot, by boat and by air because he was asleep in a building. He told the deputy he didn’t know it was a restricted area, despite there being numerous “no trespassing” signs.

“Richard stated that he was unaware of that and that it looked like a tropical paradise,” according to the arrest report.

Well, it is the most magical place on Earth.

News Brief: Only in Florida

Florida Man who stole gator meat from store identified by Florida Gators license plate. (And he would have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn’t been for those meddling… police.)

Florida Man shoots AR-15 at dirt bikers who were ‘tormenting the neighborhood.’ (Sir, I know exactly how you feel but you really can’t do that.)

Florida Man avoided friend for a year after pawning his $60,000 Jaguar.

Florida Man dressed as dinosaur arrested with Airsoft rifle. (“Not that there’s anything wrong with that” or “The cops use Airsoft?” You choose!)

And now, back to our regularly scheduled news.

Not All Heroes Wear Capes II

(Screencap courtesy of WESH-2 News.)

Central Florida woman starts ‘Adopt a Senior’ program to celebrate class of 2020.

Brava, Florida Woman:

Staci Tramont, whose own senior enjoyed last year’s pomp and circumstance, is sad that this year’s class will miss it all.

Proms, ceremonies and parties have been canceled in the face of the coronavirus pandemic.

To help make things a little better, Tramont created a social media event, “Adopt a Volusia County 2020 senior,” to give families or students themselves the chance to post pictures and information and in turn, allow someone in the community to adopt them.

“COVID really stripped them from some of these amazing milestones,” Staci Tremonty said.

Senior Andrew Lafferty was among the first to be adopted. He was bummed that he and his Spruce Creek High School classmates are missing out on being center stage, but thrilled that through the program, he was noticed and showered with appreciation.

“The way I felt is amazing,” Lafferty said. It made me feel really special that someone could care enough to help all of us.”

I’m not crying. You’re crying.

When Really Stupid Ideas Somehow Go Horribly Wrong

This probably isn’t from Florida, but there was no way to resist showing it to you regardless.

Public Service Announcement: Please don’t throw possibly poisonous snakes at mostly-naked people. #TheMoreYouKnow

To Be Fair, He Did Try to Pay Them

Everybody likes booze and ice cream. And whatever happened to the “serve” in “protect and serve,” anyway?

Ever Been So Mad You Beat Up a Car?

As longtime Florida Man Friday fans can attest, I try not to be too judgemental about these things. So it is with a generous spirit and the warmest intentions that I choose this moment to remind you that cargo shorts are not necessarily everyone’s friend.

Meanwhile, in Utah…

(Photo courtesy Utah Highway Patrol.)

5-year-old boy caught driving on Utah highway was heading to California for a Lamborghini.

So glad no one was hurt in this strangely awesome and heartwarming story:

The boy was sitting on the edge of his seat to reach the brake pedal, the trooper said.

Street said the boy was “was pretty shy and he appeared solemn” after being pulled over. Dash camera footage of the traffic stop shows Morgan pulling over the SUV and questioning the driver.

“How old are you? You’re 5 years old?” Morgan says in the video. “Wow, OK. Where did you learn how to drive a car?”

The boy told the trooper he was planning to drive to California to buy himself an Italian luxury sports car.

“He might have been short on the purchase amount, as he only had $3 dollars in his wallet,” the Utah Highway Patrol said in a statement on Twitter.

The really great part happened later: Lamborghini owner offers ride to 5-year-old who stole parents’ SUV.

Top that, Florida Man!

And I’m sure he will in plenty of time for next week’s exciting episode of…

Florida Man Friday!