If you had feared that Thanksgiving had left Florida Man too full to leave the house, or that Black Friday had kept him too busy, or that putting up the holiday decorations had left him too exhausted, fear not! For Florida Man takes your Christmas season craziness and adds it to his own, never missing a beat.
So join me now, won’t you, on another thrilling…
Florida Man Friday!
We’ll begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
It only looks like Florida Man got himself a giant-sized slingshot. In fact, the driver of the Camry got dizzy, lost control of his car, and, well, went flying 139 feet through the air. Florida Man was hospitalized but expected to be OK, and almost miraculously no one else was injured.
Still, even with all the mountains and hills here in Colorado, in 25 years I’ve never seen Colorado Man send a car flying like that. Given how flat Florida is, that’s quite the achievement — and totally expected out of Florida Man.
Don’t Tase Me, Mom
To be clear, Florida Woman (allegedly!) hit the kid with a taser. Didn’t fire it at them, but hit them with it. Repeatedly. Allegedly. You might not be surprised to learn that Florida Woman was already on probation at the time of the (alleged!) incident.
And… please don’t do that. Any of that.
Florida Man’s Hairdryer Goes Up to 11
Nothing I say about this Florida Man will ever be better than his hair. https://t.co/15QD53bQyf
— Salen Stormwing (@salenstormwing) December 5, 2019
I believe that hairstyle is called The Hurricane Andrew.
And They All – And I Do Mean ‘All’ – Lived Happily Ever After
Polyamorous woman, 20, reveals she fell pregnant by one of her FOUR partners after they all went on vacation together – but she says they will ALL raise the baby as a 'family'
Tory Ojeda, 20, from Jacksonville, Florida, lives with three of her four partners#Njeri pic.twitter.com/4Er4OdBTDP
— Wish Fm (@Wishfmradio) December 6, 2019
I try not to judge, I really do. But I look at those four guys and marvel at the idea that any single one of them could get a woman pregnant.
Kind of makes you think that Miss Ojeda might be getting a little on the side-side-side-side-side.
In All Fairness, That’s Probably Just Four Lego Sets
Flagler County Sheriff Rick Staly says Sean Dunlop, 30, is suspected in a slew of thefts worth more than $3,000 over the last four months. Investigators believe Dunlop has been hitting several stores including Target and Kohls in both Flagler and Volusia counties.
Sheriff Staley says Dunlop could end up behind bars for five years and have to pay a $5,000 fine if convicted.
“What are you in for?”
“I stole Lego sets. Star Wars, Harry Potter, even some Technics.”
(The other inmates back away in fear.)
It’s Begining to Look a Lot Like Christmas [The I-95 Mix]
— News4JAX (@wjxt4) December 5, 2019
I’ve been doing Florida Man Friday long enough now that my first thought was, “At least it wasn’t a stripper pole.”
I’m Not Crying; You’re Crying
— FOX 12 Oregon KPTV (@fox12oregon) December 5, 2019
Aren’t you just dying to see what Florida Woman does with his welcome home video when his tour is up?
News Brief: Only in Florida
And now, back to our regularly scheduled news…
Not All Heros Wear Capes
— American Hero Radio (@AmerHeroesRadio) December 5, 2019
Losing that much weight is never easy. Losing that much weight just so you can put your life at risk for your fellow Americans…
…thank you, Florida Man. Thank you.
There’s an App for That
The glow from a woman's cell phone led rescuers to her car as it sank in a dark, murky canal in Florida.
— Morning Express with Robin Meade (@MorningExp) December 6, 2019
Before visiting Northern California for the first time, I was warned that “sometimes the roads fall off.” I’m from the gently rolling hills of Midwest originally, so I asked, “The roads fall off of WHAT?” But up in Humboldt County, CA, some of the big roads are dug into the side of big hills. And it rains a lot up there. It rains a whole lot. And sometimes the ground gets so saturated that big chunks of the road just slide away. Or as the locals say, “The road fell off.”
In Florida, you fall off the road. And again, I’m amazed that can happen anywhere so flat.
But more importantly: Hats off to the rescuers.
Don’t You Love a Happy Ending?
Armed Homeowner Holds Burglary Suspect at Gunpoint: “He was gonna get blasted!”
When will they learn not to mess with Florida Man?
As If Air Travel Wasn’t Enough of a Hassle Already
What’s the proper punishment for faking an illness that gets the entire flight turned back to the airport?
A stiff fine?
90 days in the county jail?
Hanging, drawing, and quartering?
The other passengers would probably say that all three would be a good start.
He’s Not Much of a Flight Risk
— Florida Man (@FloridaMan__) December 3, 2019
I have a nine-year-old who takes off his pants the way many people kick off their shoes as soon as they get home. Am I raising my own little Florida Man?
Meanwhile, in Michigan…
This guy knows how to party:
Michigan State Police are searching for a suspect last seen running away from a burning vehicle on Detroit’s west side after a Taser failed to stop him.
The incident happened at about 9:25 p.m. Sunday when troopers spotted a vehicle heading eastbound on Joy Road at a high rate of speed, according to the agency.
They attempted to catch up but temporarily lost sight of the vehicle. After searching the area, they found the vehicle on fire in a driveway on West Parkway Street.
The troopers approached the burning vehicle when the suspect ran off and hopped a fence.
A Taser was deployed but did not have any effect on the suspect.
Burning vehicle? Check.
High-speed car chase? Check.
Fleeing on foot? Check.
Unfazed by taser? Check!
A story like this can mean only one thing: Florida Man has just a week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next thrilling…