Florida Man Friday: Don't Cry Over Spilled Meth
The Crazy Season starts for my family every year the week before Halloween. If Halloween -- with two young boys, decorations, parties, costumes, etc -- weren't enough, as soon as we get all that stuff torn down, it's time for my wife's birthday. Her "birthday season" as we've come to call it includes a dinner out, a dinner at home, a dinner with her folks, and a dinner with her friends. While we're still recuperating from that, it's Thanksgiving... followed by Black Friday, more decorating, wrapping, three different parties, and Christmas itself. Christmas itself involves packing all the presents in the car, plus two days worth of luggage and three dogs, heading to the in-laws, and then packing everything back up 48 hours later and bringing it all back home. Then our oldest has his birthday on December 28, which means we have two days to get rid of all the Christmas and make the house ready for his b-day party. To top it off, just three days after that we throw a New Year's party so massive that we have to hire a DJ and a couple bartenders. So you see why we call everything from late October to New Years Day the Crazy Season.
For Florida Man, the Crazy Season began in the most shrouded mists of ancient times, and ends on the fifth of never.
So make yourself a big plate of Thanksgiving leftovers, and gather 'round the fire for another exciting...
Florida Man Friday!
We'll begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
I'm sure nobody needs to read the details. I'm going to give them to you anyway:
A man was masturbating outside a Miami supermarket last Saturday afternoon, according to police.
CBS Miami reports when an elderly man told him to stop — he did — long enough to punch him in the face.
Kerry Dewayne Vandergriff, 39, is accused of being drunk in the parking lot — pants down — and pleasuring himself for everyone to see. The Miami Herald says the elderly man confronted Vandergriff, but that did not go well.
It was at this point that Vandergriff -- allegedly! -- began beating on the old man instead.
A local news station says officers showed up and arrested Vandergriff, who police say had bloodshot eyes and couldn't walk straight — slurring his words and spewing alcohol breath. The cops brought him to an area hospital, where CBS Miami reports he once again began to — you guessed it — take matters into his own hands. This time, it happened in a hallway in front of police and medical staff, the station says.
I'm guessing his tox screen came back positive.
Positive for what, you ask? Yes, I say.
Moving right along...
Florida Man's Best Friend
When asked to comment on this report, Toonces the Cat Who Could Drive a Car said he hates it when other housepets steal his schtick.
You Try to Do the Right Thing and This Is the Thanks You Get
The meth was spilled -- it wasn't like she was going to be using it while she was driving. And she had literally just taken a criminal off the streets. Florida Woman just doesn't get the respect she deserves.
Fast & Furious & Florida Man
I spent a few years driving an old '77 Mercedes 450 SL. It was a real head-turner, but not hot out of the gate by any means. It was a high-speed highway cruiser, nice for taking the top down and getting the wind in your hair -- and that's all. Nevertheless... in the car with a date on Academy Blvd. late one night, I stopped at a red light in the righthand lane, with some overeager young man in a Subaru WRX STI in the center lane. His massive rear spoiler made me think less Subaru, and more Piper Cub. He looked over and revved his engine. I looked back and revved mine. He revved his some more. The light turned green. He slammed the gas and spun his tires before taking off. I made a leisurely right turn towards my condo with my date. He raced right past the police officer I'd spotted waiting on a side street. Don't know what happened next, but I'm guessing my evening ended better than his did.
I wonder where exactly in Florida he lives now.
Don't Judge Unless You've Earned Your Own Doctrate
Because why not?
Don't Break in on Florida Man
I love a good home-intruder-gets-what-he-deserves story, I just never knew that "rearranged your face" could be a literal thing.
News Brief: Only in Florida
Does Anybody Really Know What Time It Is?
Takes a licking and keeps on ticking.
(I denounce myself.)
This Is the Wrongest Story in the History of Wrongness
I was hardly surprised to learn that there was an actual dumpster fire involved in this story, since the entire story is one long series of dumpster fires.
No, YOU Try Dancing in Five-Inch Heels
I got nothin'.
I'm Not Crying, You're Crying
The dog recognized his owner immediately, even though the dog the last time they'd seen each other the dog was just a four-month-old pup.
Dog lovers aren't surprised by that.
The Worst-Run Strip Club in the History of Florida
Every Other Strip Club: "Ladies get in half-price!"
This Place: "Where's your chaperone?"
Somebody failed Clothing Removal Engineer Management 101.
SO MUCH FAIL FOR ONE FLORIDA MAN: Florida man wanted ISIS to bomb deans at colleges that suspended or expelled him, feds say.
Meanwhile, in Georgia...
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his Crown of Glory in time for the next exciting...
Florida Man Friday!