There’s something deeply primal about professional football — an intrinsic element that’s barbaric, brutal, and beautiful. It’s been described as the perfect game for television, with its (many) commercial breaks, compressed violence, and opportunities for strategic analysis. It’s not mindless mayhem or a morose marathon of mundane malevolence, but a fascinating combination of gamesmanship, intelligence, mental warfare… and, yes, large men pounding the crap out of each other.
My own football career was tragically cut short when I realized that getting tackled REALLY hurts. (Plus, I drank too much Gatorade during practice and had to leave the field to pee. Coach didn't like that.) So I’ve been a football stalker — a lurker from the shadows — since the early 1980s. In fact, my earliest football memory is from Jan. 10, 1982: Those JERKS Joe Montana and Dwight Clark ruined my birthday in the closing seconds at Candlestick Park. (Go Cowboys!)
Football has always had its ebbs and flows in popular culture. It’s been a few years since the Colin Kaepernick “kneeling” PR fiasco, and it’s fair to say that the NFL hasn’t regained its standing in the public’s consciousness. It’s still huge, of course. Each year, when the networks list the top 50 telecasts via ratings, NFL and college games occupy 80% of the list. But it’s not as big as it once was.
Before, football was a bedrock American principle: Sons inherited their teams from their fathers. We taught our boys honor, respect, tradition, and how to hate those loathsome, evil fans from Philly. It was a solemn family legacy — your all-American birthright.
That’s not as true anymore. The tradition’s been diluted. Football is now just another entertainment option; its sacredness is no more.
Still, it remains an excellent excuse to drink large quantities of beer, gorge yourself on buffalo wings, and ignore the rest of your family. (They’re probably tired of you anyway.) And now, thank Gawd, it’s back!
With this in mind, here is your Official PJ Media 2024 NFL Preview:
Tom Brady will be a commentator for FOX Sports and will work a number of Kansas City Chiefs games. There’s a 3-1 chance he’ll steal Taylor Swift away from Travis Kelce before the end of November. (He’s the GOAT for a reason.)
Denver quarterback Bo Nix is just a rookie, but he can already sign autographs nearly three times as fast as league MVP Patrick Mahomes. AMAZING FACT: The last celeb who could sign autographs as fast as Bo Nix was Don Ho. (Mr. T is number one.)
The long-suffering fans of the Cleveland Browns are expecting big things this year… but there’s something about Deshaun Watson that rubs me the wrong way. (Ahem…)
Patrick Mahomes and Payton Manning will be appearing in 597 commercials… before the first bye week.
The Detroit Lions will begin the year red hot and have the NFL’s best record over the first 10 games of the season. Then someone on the Detroit Lions will realize that they’re still the Detroit Lions, and they’ll lose the rest of their games.
The New England Patriots will finish the year as the worst team in football. Bill Belichick will react like any guy does when an ex falls on hard times: “Gee, that’s a shame. Anyway, pass the doughnuts.”
Chicago Bears QB Caleb Williams is the real deal and will be the NFL rookie of the year. The last time Chicago had a decent QB, Walter Payton was the running back, Willie Gault was catching passes, and Jim McMahon was wearing funny headbands. Williams is going to be special.
Green Bay Packers QB Jordan Love will be the NFC MVP. The Packers will have gone from Favre to Rodgers and then to Love. Not bad, eh? Meanwhile, teams like Washington have gone 40 years without a capable signal-caller. Perhaps Jayden Daniels, former LSU QB, will break that streak in D.C. (AMAZING FACT: LSU is Spanish for “The SU.”)
The most talked-about college program will be the one in Colorado. Between the nonstop spotlight on “Coach Prime” Deion Sanders, his superstar QB son Shedeur Sanders, and maybe the best athlete in college football, WR/CB Travis Hunter, you’re going to hear a lot from Colorado. Every head coaching opening will mention Sanders; every team that’s desperate for a quarterback, wide receiver, or cornerback will be linked to Prime Time. All roads lead to Boulder.
The new NFL kickoff rules won’t really change anything. There’s been a lot of hoopla, but you can still expect a bunch of touchbacks. It’s a shame: Kickoff returns used to be the most exciting play in football. And now… they’re pretty much gone.
Dak Prescott and the Dallas Cowboys will fail to sign a new deal, and Dak will leave the Cowboys at the end of the season, signing the richest contract in NFL history with the New York Giants. And joining Prescott in New York: New head coach Bill Belichick. (But don’t worry, Cowboy fans: We still have Jerry Jones at the helm of our bobsled, micromanaging every step along the way. What could go wrong?!)
Philadelphia will self-destruct once again. That’s what they get for being in league with Satan. (I assume.)
That “Hawk Tuah” girl will be the new sideline reporter for FOX. Erin Andrews will roll her eyes in dismay.
The San Francisco 49ers will defeat the Kansas City Chiefs in the Super Bowl. Like Yogi Berra used to say, “It’s déjà vu all over again.” For the third time in six years, the Chiefs and the 49ers will battle for the Lombardi Trophy. But unlike Super Bowls LIV and LVIII, this one will end with a 49ers victory. Mahomes will be denied a threepeat, Taylor Swift will be giggling in Tom Brady’s arms, and Travis Kelce will rebound with the "Hawk Tuah" girl. (Such is the circle of life, young Simba.)
For the Chiefs to reach the Super Bowl, they’ll have to deal with the distractions of an unprecedented championship run: No team in modern NFL history has won three championships in a row. It’s a heavy burden, but this team has been to four Super Bowls over the past five years. They know how to compete in January and February.
As for the 49ers, they’ll face a different challenge as they try to repeat as NFC champions: Mainly, they need to avoid getting shot. Their first-round draft pick was already gunned down in San Francisco, and it’s unlikely that Kamala Harris’s hometown will be getting any safer over the next few months.
Final score: 49ers 24, Chiefs 21
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