Never mind giving fast-food workers $15 an hour, they deserve combat pay. The spate of McViolence over the last few years across the country is alarming, disturbing, and occasionally entertaining—that is, if you think it’s funny watching knuckleheads slug it out at Burger King. If you don’t find pleasure watching processed meatheads throw dukes, then the latest McPunch-out might make you grimace (rimshot).
When Cherysse Cleveland couldn’t get three flavors of slushie in one cup at a Ravenna, Ohio, McDonalds, she did what every sane adult would do and attacked the staff. Cleveland landed a few punches on two workers, then apologized, saying, “Sorry, I’ve been up all day” after which she promptly ripped the mask off an employee. She walked away, filled her cup with ice, and DING! Round two. This time she is knocked to the floor as an employee goes full Ronda Rousey on her. The police showed up in time to call the fight and place Cleveland in a pair of matching bracelets.
My favorite McBrawls are when an employee beats the halter off the instigator. Second place goes to the drunk woman who flew into a rage when she couldn’t get McNuggets for breakfast, attacked workers, and screamed, “Don’t make me assume my ultimate form!” Her ultimate form was that of a jailbird for 60 days.
Best ensemble scrum goes to the warriors at the aptly named “Kickin’ Crab.”
Have a Seat
A Wendy’s manager in Florida (of course Florida) tried to throw out two people for arguing. Then they threw punches. When that didn’t work they threw chairs.
It’s No Fun to Fight on the Run
McDonald’s seems to have the most super-sized brawls but Burger King appears to be the home of the shooting. Keona Jackson thought the drive-thru wait was too long and tried to inspire employees by shooting at them through the drive-thru window. An employee was fatally shot at a Burger King in Florida (again, Florida) over a long wait at the drive-thru.
Ain’t No Party Like a Pizza Party
People in Georgia watched a savage beatdown at a Little Caesars in Georgia, including the dolt who would rather video a fight than help a mother and her baby.
As a last shout-out to the state of Florida, my favorite fast-food felon is the redneck who threw an alligator at a Wendy’s drive-thru worker for no apparent reason, though I don’t believe I can find a reason to throw an alligator at someone. The gator-tosser was charged with assault with a deadly weapon and illegally possessing an alligator, which he picked up on the side of the road as he was driving to Wendy’s. He was sentenced to one year of probation, a $500 fine, and 75 hours of community service. The judge also ordered him to keep away from Wendy’s.