It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, we'll learn why you should wait for the paramedics to finish up, how "pickleball brawl" entered the vernacular, and the worst time to pull off a robbery in Texas.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man accused of trying to drive off in ambulance while medics treated patient
It's been so long since we had a good stolen ambulance story, I thought maybe Florida Man had reformed.
I needn't have been concerned:
Florida Man was arrested after deputies say he tried to drive away in an ambulance that was blocking his driveway while paramedics treated a patient inside.
The incident happened on Sykes Creek when Brevard County Fire Rescue crews were preparing a patient for transport.
Authorities said paramedics felt the ambulance begin to move and discovered him in the driver’s seat.
Investigators said Florida Man was upset the vehicle was in his way. When confronted, he allegedly struck a paramedic in the leg before getting back into his own vehicle and leaving.
"Oh, that's OK then," is exactly what police didn't say.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Stolen Ambulance, Fleeing the Scene, Glamor Mugshot, Should Have Taken the L, WTF Were You Even THINKING?, and a Demerit to Fox35 Orlando (video at the link) for thinking viewers needed a primer on what getting out of a car looks like.
TOTAL: 6 FMF Points.
Bonus Florida Video:
Man dressed as Captain America holding a gigantic American flag scene, walking down the street in Tampa, Florida!
— AmericanPapaBear™ (@AmericaPapaBear) February 27, 2026
This is awesome!
The type of avengers I like to see! pic.twitter.com/wqDUa6b7Rb
I Don't Even Know How to Write a Headline for This
Florida pickleball brawl involving up to 20 people results in paddles to the face and felony charges
Did you ever play pickleball (which I'm not entirely sure what it is) and when your opponent crosses into the "kitchen" (whatever that is), you get into a fight and punch the guy and smash him in the face with your racket, and then your wife gets involved, too, and next thing you know, there are probably 20 people involved, including a 70-year-old dude you just had to smash in the face with your racket?
No? Just Florida Couple then:
"It’s bleeding and swollen," a player described in a 911 call. "He’s got blood all over his face."
"It’s really ridiculous. I’ve never seen anything like this," the caller said.
When a third, 70-year-old individual attempted to break up the fight, he said Anthony Sapienza punched him. Once he was on the ground, Julianne Sapienza began to attack him too, according to the affidavit.
One of the victims was transported by EMS to a local hospital with a laceration above his eye that may result in "permanent scarring."
The couple fled the scene to their home, where they were later arrested and booked into a local jail, the affidavit said.
I've been to hockey games — in the '70s and '80s, mind you — with less blood.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol (the story doesn't say, but c'mon), Élan, Fleeing the Scene, The Elderly, Should Have Taken the L, Domestic Bliss, I Just Seriously Don't Understand People Sometimes, and a Bonus Point for getting banned from a pickleball bar and a gated community in one go.
RUNNING TOTAL: 14 FMF Points.
It's gotten to the point where I barely get excited about scoring an Eight anymore.
Exclusively for our VIPs: One Intel Coup After Another
He Was SO Close
Almost-empty beer falls out of vehicle when suspected drunk driver stopped near home
I imagine the only thing worse than getting busted for DUI is getting busted when you're just a block or two away from home.
Actually, I imagine it's even worse when, after the police signal you to pull over, you drive another two-thirds of a mile, half out of your lane, doing between 15 and 30, depending on whether you remembered how to work the accelerator.
Although I imagine it gets even worse than that when you almost hit a tree pulling over. And that it gets even worse when the cop has to help you out of the car to do what must have been a totally unnecessary field sobriety test.
But the real topper is when the cop does help you out, a half-full Miller High Life falls out of the car with you. Or maybe it's when the cops find an empty stashed under the passenger seat and your next unopened Miller stashed under the driver's seat.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Vehicular Madness, Police Chase (slow motion!), Getting Caught Stupidly, Hold My Beer, The Villages, You Hid It WHERE?
RUNNING TOTAL: 21 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man wrangles 7-foot boa constrictor before heading to work
In Florida, they call this "Sunday morning."
Maybe He Didn't Know That Was Wrong
Florida Man arrested after allegedly vandalizing Publix employee's car
You know what I hate?
You know when you're just so mad at your girlfriend for leaving you that you grab a hammer and you're totally going to smash up her car which is actually your car but YOLO and you'll do it at the Publix parking lot where you spot her car that she totally stole from you so you're smashing in the windows and the alarms is going off and it feels so good but that's when for whatever reason this cop shows up with his gun out and everything and you have to get on the ground so you're telling the cop she stole your car which is why you were smashing it up because that's what people do but then you find out it wasn't your car it was some Publix employee's car and now the wrong car is broken and so is your heart and now you're all over YouTube whining to the police about your girlfriend leaving you?
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Police Bodycam, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Criminal Mastermind, Should Have Taken the L, Domestic Bliss, Went Viral, Publix (New! But I've been meaning to add it for ages).
RUNNING TOTAL: 29 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Dress for Success volunteers, CareerSource team up to help change women's lives
You gotta love stories like this one:
Shequila Roberts knows the benefits of a new outfit and just how Dress for Success Greater Orlando can help women in need find the perfect fit.
Roberts, a single mom with two bachelor’s degrees, previously struggled to find work.
“I lacked confidence, and finding a job was very difficult. When I came in the door with Dress for Success, they treated me like family, helped me find clothes — and I got a job,” she explained.
Because of her own experience, Roberts said she is back at Dress for Success Greater Orlando as a volunteer, now paying it forward to help others find the perfect free fit and job opportunity.
I thought it was just another nice story until I got to the paying it forward part, and that's when the internet-transmissible onion fumes seeped through.
SCORE: The usual three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness.
RUNNING TOTAL: 32 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Drone Warfare Comes to the Sunshine State
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 32 points for a very respectable average of 6.4.
Meanwhile, in Texas...
Pro-Tip: Don’t Rob People Who Are Leaving Gun Ranges
I can't believe people need to be told this, particularly in Texas. Yet here we are:
A trio of rocket surgeons apparently wanted to audition as the Three Stooges of Crime, watched for someone to leave a gun store and live-fire range in Houston. They actually laid in wait outside a gun range looking for someone to rob. In Texas. Where “howdy” might as well as mean, “I’m packing, you packing too?”
What could possibly go wrong?
The unsuspecting good guy, fresh off of honing his marksmanship skills — maybe even practicing some precision headshots for fun — hopped in his ride, maybe oblivious (or maybe not) to the idiotmobile that was tailing him.
Less than a mile down the road, the Stooges decided to execute their incredibly well-thought-out plan as the good guy parked his ride. Because robbing people who you know have guns at 4 p.m. in broad daylight is a surefire formula for success.
One guy got shot in the mouth, and the other two fled like real men do.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
P.S. Don't miss Five O'Clock Somewhere with Stephen Kruiser, Yours Truly, and special guests Jennifer Rust and Chris Queen at 3 p.m. Eastern today. There will be day drinking.
