It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, we'll learn how to punish the worst person in the world, where not to take your one-day rental two months after it was due back, and all about South Carolina's Old Bay smuggling operation.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida (Wo)Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Woman Caught Driving a Stolen U-Haul to Court
You know when you're on trial for conspiracy to defraud the government of $29 million in COVID funds, so you drive a U-Haul to court that you kind of forgot to return a couple of months after the one-day rental expired?
No? Just Florida Woman then:
A 39-year-old woman in Florida was pulled over on Wednesday, blocks away from the U.S. District Court. A license plate reader had flagged her vehicle as being stolen, and the cops responded.
As she was being cuffed, an officer started to explain to Florida Woman why she was being arrested, and she said, “Oh I know why!” She said she was on her way to the courthouse “because she is on trial for a federal crime.”
"Oh, that's OK then," is exactly what police didn't say.
The report failed to say whether she made it to her federal court appearance on time.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Caught on Video, Way to Take the L, Stolen U-Haul (new!), Glamor Mugshot, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
TOTAL: 6 FMF Points.
Exit question: Who drives a U-Haul to court?
Thug Life
Notorious golf cart thief in The Villages nabbed with narcotics with lady friend
Only in The Villages do "golf cart thief" and "notorious" go hand-in-hand — and maybe more often than you think.
Anyway, a cop was checking out a golf cart driven by 53-year-old Florida Man and his 39-year-old lady friend (you dawg), because that's the kind of thing police have to do in The Villages. The cart turned out to have expired tags, drifted into the bike lane, and Florida Man wasn't even wearing his seatbelt.
As I said: thug life.
But it got thuggier, which is now a word.
Florida Man "seven suspensions for unpaid financial obligations, a controlled substance charge and a criminal failure to pay. He also had two prior guilty convictions for driving with a suspended license."
Plus, the golf cart turned out to be stolen, and Florida Man and Woman had a bunch of drugs on them. There was also a mysterious 9mm round that Florida Woman wasn't supposed to have because of her previous felony conviction.
Thuggiest life, baby.
SCORE: The Villages, Drugs/Alcohol, Suspended License/Expired Tags, Vehicular Madness, Scooter/Golf Cart, Outstanding Warrant(s), Recidivism, Glamor Mugshots (times two!). (9)
RUNNING TOTAL: 15 FMF Points.
Nine points, impressive.
Exclusively for our VIPs: The Three Rob Reiners
Introducing the Worst Person in the World
Florida Woman in Santa hat caught on camera stealing toys from donation box
Oh, come on:
According to the Martin County Sheriff’s Office, a woman removed a box of toys from the Barbecue Beer Company in Jensen Beach on December 15.
Surveillance video showed the woman, wearing a Santa hat, sitting at the bar earlier, leaving and dragging a large box of donated toys out of the restaurant.
When questioned by a patron, deputies said she could be heard saying that she was taking them to a donation center.
The toys, which were intended for a charity drive benefiting a specific needy family through Elev8Hope, never arrived, according to MCSO.
You know I try to keep things light and breezy on Florida Man Friday, but I need to get a little personal and share something here that I don't think I have before
My father-in-law doesn't really need anything for Christmas and hasn't for a while. You know the drill: maybe a new sports shirt or two, and... then what? He's 83 and pretty much has everything by now.
So several years ago, my wife Melissa got him something different.
She "adopted" a local needy family, bought and wrapped a bunch of toys for their kids, and maybe something or two for the grownups. Then she wrote Pop a letter to open on Christmas morning, telling him all about the family, and how his example inspired her to help.
Helping a new family has been her Christmas gift to him every year since. There are tears. There might be a few right now.
So my thoughts toward the toy thief in the Santa hat are simple but heartfelt: 30 years' hard labor, followed by firing squad. Or is that too kind?
SCORE: Surveillance Video, Likely Story, three bonus points for Sheer Awfulness (never used before and hopefully never used again), I Just Seriously Don't Understand People Sometimes. (6)
RUNNING TOTAL: 21 FMF Points
Downer of a story, sorry. But you ought to see the stash Melissa has downstairs for this year's family, waiting to be wrapped.
Let's get back to the silliness, shall we?
Bonus Florida Headline: Inconsiderate golf cart parking spotted at medical facility in The Villages
I didn't share this one because it's outrageous or crazy or anything. I shared it because it might be the most Villages headline of all time.
Maybe He Didn't Know That Was Wrong
Florida Man escapes deputies, chokes K9, and gets tased after attempted burglary
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you're minding your own business just trying to escape police custody because all you ever did was break into these people's house so you could chill for a while on their sofa and there's nothing illegal with sitting but whatever they got all upset when they woke up and saw you which is when they called the police so you take off but the guy is on the phone with the cops and giving them live updates on where you're running which is when they sic this K-9 on you and later you find out the dog's name is Vader which is really cool when you think about it but in the heat of the moment you try to choke the dog out but that doesn't work probably because of the taser the cops hit you with and now you're in jail even though the dog is fine and all you ever did was chill on a sofa?
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Good Dog, Drugs/Alcohol (the story doesn't say, but c'mon), Tasered/Pepper Sprayed, Police Bodycam, Resisting Arrest, Fleeing the Scene, Should Have Taken the L, plus a Demerit for trying to choke a dog. And I'd like to reiterate that Vader is fine. And also has an awesome name. (8)
RUNNING TOTAL: 29 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Florida Chef saves customer, 78, when he stops coming in for daily gumbo
Now this is customer service:
Charlie Hicks, 78, has had the same standing order, every day, twice a day, for 10 years.
Shrimp Basket chef Donell Stallworth says you could set your clock by Hicks.
"Mr. Hicks don't miss no days," Stallworth told CBS News. "We open the doors up, Mr. Hicks is there to greet us."
Hicks was omnipresent at the Shrimp Basket until September, when he suddenly didn't show up for several days.
"I knew, then, something was wrong," Stallworth said.
You can probably guess what happened next. Donell left in the middle of his shift, went to Charlie's apartment, and heard a quiet "Help" after repeatedly knocking on the door. Charlie was stuck on the floor with a couple of broken ribs and severely dehydrated.
But there's more:
They started by bringing his gumbo to the hospital. Then they went out and helped find him a new apartment, right next to the restaurant, so the employees could always keep a watchful eye.
They even got Hicks new appliances and fixed up his new place.
They did all that work so that this week, three months after his accident, Hicks could pick up his routine right where he left off.
"I'm glad to have you back buddy," Stallworth told him when Hicks entered the Shrimp Basket for the first time in months.
There are three Shrimp Basket locations in Pensacola, but the report doesn't say which one Charlie goes to and Donell works for. Which is a shame, because I'd love to send more customers their way.
SCORE: The usual three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness, The Elderly, and one more bonus point for what must be some seriously tasty gumbo. Mmm, gumbo. (5)
RUNNING TOTAL: 34 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: His Dirty Bomb Was a Filthy Lie
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
It's another high-scoring week with five scored stories and a total of 34 points for a bigly average of 6.8.
Meanwhile, in South Carolina...
🦀 Seems some folks were planning an early holiday Old Bay crab boil and steak dinner along with their marijuana and cigarettes — all dropped by a drone at Lee CI. #ContrabandChristmas #WeAreCorrections pic.twitter.com/abiQzJgN1r
— S.C. Department of Corrections (@SCDCNews) December 8, 2025
They tried to smuggle in Old Bay? Seriously?
Respect.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
P.S. Don't miss the Five O'Clock Somewhere Christmas Spectacular with Stephen Kruiser, Yours Truly, and more special guests than a Jerry Lewis telethon for special needs special guests. It all starts at 3 p.m. Eastern today. There will be day drinking.
