Florida Man Friday: His Dirty Bomb Was a Filthy Lie

The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)

Two elderly Florida Men accused of lewd activity at nature preserve in SLC

Normally, a story like this one might not catch my eye — elderly gay public sex sting operations just aren't my thing. But complaints of "lewd and lascivious activity" got so bad at the DJ Wilcox Preserve that, well... just read:

To combat the problem, deputies say, they launched an undercover operation to begin monitoring the area. The sheriff's office says that within minutes, an elderly man... approached an undercover detective, exposed himself, and propositioned himself for sexual gratification.

Maybe that's no big deal, but "Moments later, another elderly man... approached an undercover detective and propositioned himself."

And less than a day later, this headline popped up in the same paper: Third elderly Florida Man arrested after lewd activity crackdown at DJ Wilcox Preserve. And kudos to News 12's Skyler Shepard for writing this next bit:

The sheriff's office said that foot traffic was noticeably lighter, and those who did venture into the Preserve moved with the caution of someone scanning for both alligators and deputies.

The bad news? There’s always one.

I LOLed.

And then I blocked "DJ Wilcox Preserve" from my FMF search results because, seriously, that just isn't my thing.

As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so. 

SCORE: Public Nudity, Viagra (the story doesn't say, but c'mon), The Elderly, Élan, Police Bodycam, Getting Caught Stupidly, I Just Seriously Don't Understand People Sometimes.

TOTAL: 7 FMF Points.

Now I'll go back to pretending these things don't happen. 

Dirty Bomb, Filthy Lie

Florida Man arrested after claiming ‘dirty bomb’ in truck following crash

Never let it be said that Florida Man can't do some quick thinking in a crunch.

For whatever reason, the police showed up when Florida Man crashed his truck last Friday in Haines City. He refused several orders to get out of the wreck, probably because of all the guns, tactical gear, and drugs he had out in plain view.

That's when Florida Man had his "Jack Ryan moment" from The Hunt for Red October, and told police there was a dirty bomb in the back of his truck.

Instead of fleeing, police investigated and instead found that "the yellow container was a Moisture Density Gauge, which is commonly used for soil testing and contained less radioactivity than a medical x-ray."

I said Florida Man was a quick thinker, not necessarily a particularly sharp thinker.

SCORE: Likely Story, Vehicular Madness, Drugs/Alcohol, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Tactical Gear, Should Have Taken the L, Recidivism, Glamor Mugshot.

RUNNING TOTAL: 15 FMF Points. 

Exclusively for our VIPs: One Cheer for Colonialism!

Those Don't Go There

Nervous Florida Woman with illegal items in bra arrested in speeding pickup truck

The classic Cannonball Run clip is how certain women think things will go when they're pulled over by the police.

Here's how things actually go:

Florida Woman of Hernando appeared to be nervous and the Albany, N.Y. native would not make eye contact with the deputy who had initiated the traffic stop.

A K-9 unit arrived on the scene and the dog alerted on the truck, signaling the likely presence of drugs. Fentanyl was discovered in the truck and it was believed to have belonged to Florida Woman.

As she was being placed in a squad car, a deputy asked her if she had any contraband. She admitted she had items concealed in her bra. The items were a straw with the residue of fentanyl and tinfoil.

SCORE: You Hid It WHERE?, Drugs/Alcohol, The Villages, Getting Caught Stupidly, Glamor Mugshot.

RUNNING TOTAL: 20 FMF Points

Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Woman accused of trying to steal $15 vibrator from Walmart

Just pay the 15 bucks.

Maybe He Didn't Know That Was Wrong

Eight teens from PA arrested for felony retail theft in Polk

You know what I hate?

You know how sometimes you're visiting Florida with your football team for this tournament and you and your buddies get kinda bored just hanging out at the hotel waiting to play later in the afternoon so you're all like "we got a couple hours to kill so let's go rob a sporting goods store" and you end up at this Dick's (heh)which make you and your buddies laugh every time you see the sign but anyway you're kinda stealing whatever because hey you never know when some lip guards and football gloves and underwear are gonna come in handy but you all get totally busted and your coach shows up and he's begging the Dick's (heh) manager and this Sheriff Grady jerk not to press charges because you got a game that afternoon which you miss and your team loses and Grady goes on his stupid YouTube show to brag about how "we enforce the law here in Florida" or crap like that and even the governor gets into it with this post on X making fun of you but the worst part is you already had lip guards and football gloves and underwear.

Don't you hate that, too?

SCORE: Tourist Who Just Can't Handle It, Instant Karma, Criminal Mastermind, WTF Were You Even THINKING?, Burned by Grady (new and by request!), and a Bonus Point for also getting burned by Gov. Ron DeSantis.

RUNNING TOTAL: 26 FMF Points. 

Not All Heroes Wear Capes

Volunteer helps bring holiday hope to thousands of children with special needs

Caution: Internet-transmissible onion fumes accompany this report.

For nearly two decades, volunteer Steve Weiser has spent his holiday season doing something special — making sure children with unique needs wake up to a joyful Christmas.

Weiser is one of more than 350 volunteers at Nathaniel’s Hope, a local nonprofit dedicated to supporting families of children with disabilities. Through the organization’s annual Nathaniel’s Toy Shop, thousands of families receive toys at no cost, ensuring that every child has a magical holiday.

“We started off just helping a handful of families throughout the Orlando area,” Weiser said. “And now it’s grown to helping over 2,000 families in Central Florida.”

Weiser has served with Nathaniel’s Hope for 17 years, helping move, sort, and deliver toys alongside the organization’s dedicated volunteer team.

“They serve children with special, unique needs and abilities,” he said. “One of the things that Nathaniel’s Hope does that stands out is that they deliver toys to families.”

One last thing: "Nathaniel’s Hope was founded more than 20 years ago by Tim and Marie Kuck, who built the organization in honor of their son, Nathaniel. Born with multiple disabilities, Nathaniel couldn’t walk or talk, but his short life inspired a lasting movement of compassion."

SCORE: The usual three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness to Steve (no relation), one more each to Tim and Marie, and of course one to Nathaniel.

RUNNING TOTAL: 32 FMF Points.

Previously on Florida Man Friday: He Brought Bear Spray to a Taser Fight

So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?

Five scored stories with a total of 32 points for another high-end average of 6.4. 

Meanwhile, in Utah...

Utah Man accused of stealing airsoft rifle, fleeing from American Fork police on roller skates

A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...

Florida Man Friday