It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, we'll learn when not to pull a pistol out of your crotch, why you shouldn't do what the drugs tells you, and how British Woman outdid Florida Everybody in the Getting Caught Stupidly category.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Naked, mud-covered Florida Man arrested after vandalizing van in Osteen
Experts agree that approximately 5 p.m. on a Saturday afternoon is the most opportune time to shed your clothes on someone else's property after the drugs kick in and maybe cover yourself in mud and vandalize a work van before breaking into a barn.
According to these same experts, it works even better if you also rearrange the patio furniture that also isn't yours.
Please don't question the experts. They hate that.
That's how police found Florida Man last weekend, emerging from a barn that wasn't his, naked and covered in mud. Florida Man "claimed he had been following the sun under instruction from a 'higher power' and admitted he might have vandalized the van, though he couldn’t fully recall the incident."
The rest of us will have trouble forgetting it.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Public Nudity, Hide & Seek, Glamor Mugshot.
TOTAL: 4 FMF Points.
Only four, really?
Catch Me if You Can
Cocky fugitive's social media challenge to sheriff backfires in spectacular fashion
Remember that time you violated your pretrial release conditions and taunted your local sheriff on social media so hard for not being able to catch you that you even had a hashtag for it?
No? Just Florida Man then:
The Polk County Sheriff’s Office and Lakeland Police Department shared a series of Facebook posts by 29-year-old Florida Man, who was a wanted man for violating a pretrial release condition.
"Ya’ll too busy fishing dats why yall didn’t catch me when I left my grandmas house today," Florida Man said in one post to Judd’s department. "Should’ve waited a bit longer. Yall accepted da challenge right. #GradyCan’t FindMe #ComeAgainGrady."
The posts, laden with poor grammar and bad spelling, appeared to be a dig towards Judd and his department for being too late to the scene. But that did not stop Judd and his team from responding to Florida Man and taking on the challenge.
You know how this ends, don't you?
Yep:
Also accepting the challenge, unbeknownst to Florida Man, was the Lakeland Police Department, after he bragged about not being caught despite having multiple felony warrants issued against him.
Florida Man was ultimately captured by the Lakeland Police Department, who transported him to the Polk County Jail.
If there's one thing I've learned in all these years of covering Florida Man, it's that Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd always gets the last laugh.
SCORE: Famous Last Words, Went Viral, Hide & Seek, Criminal Mastermind, Recidivism, Out on Bond, Should Have Taken the L.
RUNNING TOTAL: 11 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: Thursday Essay: Sunday's 'Midnight Hammer' Operation Launched in 1941
Fire Crotch
Florida Woman in handcuffs shot deputy with gun that was hidden in her pants
Florida Woman was pulled over for some minor traffic violation, but — as happens so often — she was then arrested for "driving with a suspended license, providing false identification to law enforcement, possession of methamphetamine and drug paraphernalia."
The deputy apparently failed to give her a proper pat down because on the way to county lockup, Florida Woman managed to get to the small pistol she had hidden in the crotch of her pants and get off at least one shot that grazed the deputy's face.
The deputy stopped the car, jumped out, and put a couple of rounds into Florida Woman.
They'll both be fine.
A sheriff's department spokeswoman explained, "She was handcuffed and she is a little bit flexible."
Florida Woman will be occupied for a good long while, so let me ask this: Does she have a sister?
SCORE: You Hid It WHERE?, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Drugs/Alcohol, Suspended License/Expired Tags, Assaulting a Cop, Should Have Taken the L, Glamor Mugshot.
RUNNING TOTAL: 18 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Calm And Relaxed Florida Woman Stops Walk To Pet An Alligator
Next week: Shrieking Florida Woman Shows Up at E.R. Missing Fingers
Maybe He Didn't Know That Was Wrong
Florida Man who drove through restaurant to charge his EV caught a different kind of charge
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes in the middle of the night you need to charge your EV and they've got those charging stations all over the place now but those places charge money which is a very big deal to some people so you find this restaurant that's closed because it's after midnight and after you take a little nap on the parking lot you break in to see if maybe they've got a charger behind the bar with all the well rum and ice cubes and stuff but this is the real clever part because instead of just driving right through there and knocking all the tables over and stuff like some kind of Blues Brothers thing you carefully move all the tables aside because who's going to think a thief would be that polite but there's no charger back there for whatever reason but what they do have is all these security cameras so even though you drove through there real careful and didn't break any tables or nothing the police come and find you and take you to jail and you're in the back seat hoping they don't have enough range left to get you there.
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Vehicular Madness, Surveillance Video, Drive-Thru Mayhem (made his own!), WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 23 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Alligator nearly chomped off kayaker’s arm — before nearby hero poked it in the eyes
Sometimes it's the little things, like knowing when to poke a gator in the eyeballs — and having the courage to do it.
The scene on Tiger Creek was a real mess. A gator attacked a group of kayakers, first snapping a woman's paddle in half and tipping over her kayak. Then it went after her arm, nearly severing it.
More:
Her husband tried to drag her on top of the overturned kayak, but one of her arms was still stuck below the surface as the 8-foot-long female alligator clamped down on her arm around the elbow.
Another kayaker in the group heroically tried to rescue the attacked woman, just for the gator to bite his life vest and try to drag him under the water.
The unidentified man then “stuck [his] fingers deep into the gator’s eyes” — giving him time to unbuckle his life vest, with the alligator then drifting away with it.
She kept her arm, but only barely. More surgeries are required, along with extensive physical therapy. But thanks to this week's hero, it could have been much worse.
SCORE: Water Hazard, Dangerous Wildlife, and the usual three hero bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness.
RUNNING TOTAL: 28 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Cleanup on Aisle 7, Seriously Big Cleanup
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 28 points for a solid average of 5.6.
Meanwhile, in Britain...
'Dripping in diamonds': U.K. woman who posted selfies wearing stolen jewelry sentenced to 28 months https://t.co/3BPxLP00jW
— CTV News (@CTVNews) June 26, 2025
They should have tacked on an extra ten years for being "too stupid to breathe," but I guess that's not a punishable offense in most jurisdictions.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
P.S. Don't miss Five O'Clock Somewhere with Stephen Kruiser, Yours Truly, and special guest Ed Morrissey at 3 p.m. Eastern today. There will be day drinking.
