In an exclusive, People magazine has breathlessly reported the news that the erstwhile woke and broke royals known as Harry and Meghan have decided to forsake their worldwide privacy tour and go back to the United Kingdom.
Stop yawning.
Charles is sick, and maybe the couple is finally getting over themselves and doing something for someone else for a change.
From People:
The Duke and Duchess of Sussex are relocating with Prince Archie, 7, and Princess Lilibet, 5, to the U.K. for an extended period beginning this month, PEOPLE understands, with the children set to begin school there in September.
I can't decide whether they're leaving the United States because they're relatively broke or because they've decided that there's something more important than their privacy in Montecito.
Aw shucks, you guys.
But we needn't have worried about the Crown Ginger and his Yoko; they'll be fine, it turns out.
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"The couple will maintain their home in Montecito, California, and their vacation property in Portugal while establishing a private, non-royal home base in Britain," reported the entertainment magazine. Man, canceled podcasts and Netflix shows bring in the dough, don't they? I needn't have worried about Meghan selling enough blackberry spread to sell to the masses. They're fine.
The kids will be put in the best schools in Britain while the couple continues to do nothing.
The location of the family’s new home and the children’s school are being closely guarded.
The move gives Harry, 41, and Meghan, 45, their first home base in Britain since they relinquished the lease on Frogmore Cottage, the Windsor residence gifted to them by the late Queen Elizabeth in 2023.
King Charles, 77, asked them to vacate the property following the publication of Harry’s raw 2023 memoir, Spare.
Not that I wish King Charles harm, of course, but the discussion about his mysterious cancer diagnosis has been getting more fraught all the time. Harry and Meghan recently spent some time with the king in the UK where they presumably set the stage for the couple's long-wished-for "we want to be treated as royals, yet don't want to work" arrangement.
People reported, however, that Charles just found out a few days ago.
Sure.
People further reported that Charles was clear that there would be "no change to the Duke and Duchess of Sussex’s status as private individuals and non-working members of the royal family, in keeping with the wishes they expressed and the agreement reached when they stepped back from royal duties."
"Those close to the Sussexes believe they have successfully executed the 'half in, half out' model Harry and Meghan proposed to the royal family in 2019," which was roundly spiked by the royals.
Like most self-absorbed brats, they left behind a colossal mess when they left — and good riddance. We only wish they would have taken "queen" Camilla with them. Would have served them right.
The couple — or whoever is leaking this undoubtedly handsomely paid-for scoop for the couple — say they're looking forward to continuing to work on the charities you've never heard of, including, "including Scotty’s Little Soldiers and WellChild, as well as the Invictus community, while Meghan continues leading her lifestyle company, As Ever, and pursuing future projects."
Gag.
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No disrespect meant, but tell the truth, the Invictus Games "community" is the only one you've ever heard of that has anything to do with Harry, am I right?
But so as not make the couple look like the aimless slackers they are, the magazine inserted a pitiful virtue signal suggesting that the upcoming U.S. elections and their disdain for Donald Trump — who's not on the ballot — could be an additional reason why they're leaving.
I'm sorry but I just can't stop laughing.
People dishes:
While the couple appeared to have an idyllic life in Montecito, they have made no secret of their disillusionment with the current White House. With the midterm elections fast approaching, concerns about the direction of the U.S. loom large for many.
There has been public tension between the Sussexes and Trump in the past. When President Donald Trump said in January 2026 that NATO allies “stayed a little back” from the frontlines during the war in Afghanistan, Harry — a combat vet from the Afghanistan War — issued a blunt statement: “I served there. I made lifelong friends there. And I lost friends there.”
And you're no John Kennedy, Harry. Good gawd almighty. How many years did they have to go back to become insulted? The direction of the U.S. is his concern too? Please stop. I've been to Montecito many times. You can stay there and not think of the outside world for years. And let's not even talk about how the UK is circling the Western Civilizational drain.
Although his brother, the crown prince, still isn't speaking to him because he's such a self-involved child who walks around with his trauma bond service doll, he's still hoping they can someday speak to one another.
Good luck, Britain.
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