It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, we'll learn the difference between the men's room and the canned foods aisle, how to avoid your angry wife with style, and why a tractor is not the best choice for a getaway vehicle.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man broke into random house, ran bath, cooked dinner to avoid going home to angry wife
The headline seems to tell the whole story, but there's a bit more to it. Florida Man was in it for the long haul:
Florida man broke into a random house and hung out there for several days to avoid going home to his angry wife after the couple had a fight, according to officials.
Polk County sheriff’s deputies were called to the home in Davenport by a neighbor who was tasked with watching over the residence while the homeowner was away — and who noticed a flurry of suspicious activity...
When cops walked in, the man was cooking himself dinner and had just run a luxurious bath.
After days in hiding, he probably felt like he deserved that bath. But that still leaves one burning question: What the heck did he say to Florida Wife?
#ProTip: Men, do you want to avoid situations like the one Florida Man found himself in? Just do what I do, and never once stray from this course of action: Be an a**hole along with your wife, not around or at your wife.
You're welcome.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Domestic Bliss, Hide & Seek, Élan, AND Chutzpah (a rare combo but it does happen), Should Have Taken the L.
TOTAL: 5 FMF Points.
Stick a Sock in It
Deputies find syringes, fentanyl in Florida Woman's body after traffic arrest
So Florida Woman was doing what so many of us do on a Sunday afternoon. She was driving around on a suspended license with plates she swore she had just borrowed from a friend, and a sock with fentanyl and six syringes in it stuck up her hoo-ha.
Don't knock it if you haven't tried it.
SCORE: Likely Story, Drugs/Alcohol, Suspended License/Expired Tags (both!), Getting Caught Stupidly, You Hid It WHERE?, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 11 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: Thursday Essay: Pity Poor China (Really!)
Only in Florida
'Help me, Jesus': Florida Man hits alligator on I-4, flips over bike, slides across freeway
Neither Florida Man nor Florida Woman seemed to be doing anything wrong — just enjoying a highway cruise with a bunch of other bikers.
A six-foot alligator had other plans, too, like sunning himself on I-4.
None of this worked out very well for anybody involved, although it looks like everybody — including the alligator — is OK.
On Saturday, around 6 p.m., two motorcyclists traveling in the inside lane on I-4 westbound near mile marker 110, struck an alligator in the lane, causing one rider to crash into a tree.
Both motorcyclists—a 67-year-old man and a 25-year-old woman—were taken to the hospital with non-life-threatening injuries, and Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission officials responded to assist the injured alligator.
The impact of hitting the gator threw them both off their bikes.
Both riders wore their helmets, but it looks like the gator really could have used one.
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Dangerous Wildlife, Caught on Video.
RUNNING TOTAL: 14 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man named John Publix arrested after stealing from Publix
Maybe he thought that stuff was already his.
Maybe He Didn't Know That Was Wrong
Florida Man accused of peeing on Sam’s Club food, causing over $10K in damage
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes when you're shopping at Sam's Club and two things happen at once because you've really gotta find the men's room all of a sudden but you're also in the aisle where they have all the stupid canned meats like Spam those little Vienna Sausage so you get this idea that you're going to skip the men's room and just spoil some of this inventory if you know what I mean and by the time you're done you're pretty sure you've taken out 188 cans of the sausages and another 345 tins of Spam and since you're done you figure you'll take a break in the patio furniture section and relax on one of the chairs and after about 10 minutes or so you grab your cart to check out but it turns out some lady took a picture of you doing your business because she must be some kind of freak or perv or something and the cops track you down from your Sam's Club ID but it's all cool because it turns out you eliminated exactly 188 cans of sausages and 345 tins of Spam except for the part where you're in jail.
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Caught on Video, Élan, Public Nudity, Getting Caught Stupidly, Glamor Mugshot, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 20 FMF Points.
Bonus Florida Video
🚨 #BREAKING: Florida attorney general proposes creation of new CRIMINAL ILLEGAL ALIEN detention center surrounded by ALLIGATORS and PYTHONS.
— Eric Daugherty (@EricLDaugh) June 19, 2025
"Alligator Alcatraz."
"People get out, there's not much waiting for them other than alligators and pythons. Nowhere to go, nowhere to… pic.twitter.com/j87QAbhv34
(Hat tip, Rose.)
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Incoming internet-transmissible onion fumes:
"He did what he knew best to do as a father, to save his child," Malone said. "So you know right then, that's a whole lot of love for a parent to sacrifice their life for their child."
Wilson had taken his family to Fort Lauderdale Beach near the B Ocean Hotel on Seabreeze Boulevard to celebrate the holiday together. When two of his daughters and a niece went into the water, he noticed they were in trouble.
"He sees that his kids are struggling with the water, so they are practically about to drown," Malone said. "So he went out to rescue them."
Two of the children were able to make it out safely, but his youngest daughter, just 10 years old, was still struggling.
As Wilson pulled her to safety, he was pulled under himself.
And you don't need me to tell you the rest.
There's no possible way to do justice to Antwon Wilson's heroism with points, and that's all I have to say about that.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: He Called 911 After Trying to Pay for WHAT?
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Four scored stories with a total of 20 points for a respectable average of 5.
I hope that last story wasn't too much of a downer, but Antwon deserves all the recognition he can get — and maybe some thoughts and prayers for his family.
Meanwhile, in South Carolina...
Not-so-hot pursuit of burglary suspect sees police cars chase tractor excavator at walking pace
This line could be my quote of the week: "The chase reached speeds of 3 mph (4.8 kph) early Sunday morning in North Charleston, police said."
Thanks for that metric conversion. Not sure what readers would have done without it.
Anyway, a story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
