It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, we'll learn when not to call 911, how not to dine and dash, and all about California Man's weird smuggling operation.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man tries to pay for sex at strip club, calls 911 to complain about not receiving 'services'
It's been a while since we had one of those stories where Florida Man asked the police to test his drugs to make sure they were good, but this is the next best thing. Or maybe even better.
At OZ Gentlemen's Club this week, Florida Man attempted to pay $300 for a private room and sex with one of the dancers. The club refused.
So Florida Man (actually a Saudi national!) did what anyone would do, provided they were drunk and stupid: he called 911 to complain about the lack of "services" and told dispatchers to come take him to jail.
They did.
So somebody got a happy ending, but it wasn't Florida Man.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Criminal Mastermind, Should Have Taken the L, Strip Club and/or a Hooters, Tourist Who Just Can't Handle It, Getting Caught Stupidly.
TOTAL: 6 FMF Points.
30 Minutes or It's a Felony
Florida Man accused of choking cop after dine and dash at pizza place
If you're going to dine and dash, you've really got to commit to the part where you dash.
Florida Man refused to pay for his pizza at The Corner Pizza Bar in Orlando. But instead of heading for the exit and not looking back until he was in the next county, he was still nearby when the police arrived.
He told them he couldn't pay because his phone was broken, even though police said it kept lighting up.
Then this, which I loved:
The staff at this point wished to trespass Florida Man, who then sat in a chair next to the door, police said. Following multiple attempts to get his name, the report states he only said that his first name was “Daniel” and that both his middle and last names were “pendejo,” prompting the officers to grab his arms and try to arrest him.
I regret not having named both of my sons Daniel Pendejo Pendejo.
Anyway, there was a scuffle, an attempt to choke a cop to death, spitting, something new to me called a RIPP Hobble, and other assorted hijinks resulting in Florida Man's arrest and various charges.
Florida Man's mugshot looks like he took several punches to the face from the other cop, because he did.
SCORE: Likely Story, Assaulting a Cop, RIPP Hobble (new!), Spit Mask (should have brought one, anyway), Resisting Arrest, Should Have Taken the L, Glamor Mugshot.
RUNNING TOTAL: 13 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: Corruption, Contagion, and the Smart Guys in Suits
Fly the Overly Friendly Skies
Florida Man Convicted for 120+ Fraudulent Flights as Fake Attendant
So if you or I want to get on a plane, we have to find and buy ourselves a ticket because travel agents — who didn't even used to charge a fee — are pretty much gone. And we have to have the special ID now, too. Don't pack too many toiletries in your carry-on and put them in a stupid Ziplock bag. No clippers, no decent razor blades, no Zippo, leave your pocketknife at home. Wait in line at security forever. Allow TSA to check your prostate and other personal areas. Then there's the cattle-car boarding and seating and sitting next to a stranger who smells strongly of garlic and salami.
Or, hear me out: Pretend to be a flight attendant and just do whatever.
A 35-year-old man from South Florida has been convicted of illegally boarding more than 120 flights across the US by posing as a flight attendant, according to the US Department of Justice.
The convicted individual exploited staff booking privileges meant for airline crew to travel on flights operated by various airlines, including American Airlines (AA), Delta Air Lines (DL), and United Airlines (UA).
The man was arrested for entering secure zones at multiple US airports like Miami International Airport (MIA) and Hartsfield–Jackson Atlanta International Airport (ATL) under false pretenses.
Between 2018 and 2024, he boarded at least 34 flights without purchasing tickets, violating federal wire fraud and security laws.
Tell me again how TSA isn't a joke that ought to be abolished.
It's almost a shame about the conviction, really.
I'm not scoring this one. Just needed to vent about airline and airport security.
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Woman caught on camera stealing from cemetery used grave mementos to decorate her yard
Maybe She Didn't Know That Was Wrong
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you're driving around totally minding your own business when you see some kid on one of those e-bikes which are basically deathtraps anyway and you can tell he's riding that thing too damn fast so you decide to teach him a thing or two about driving safely by taking your SUV up on bicycle path he's riding on but for some weird reason chasing him down the bike path in your car doesn't make him slow down and he's even speeding up and trying to wave down cars like he's some kind of lunatic and wouldn't you know it but one of those cars drives up and blocks your SUV so you can't safely keep chasing down that dangerous kid so you're like "whatever" and go home but it turns out a bunch of people took video and the cops figured out who you are but instead of giving you one of those HERO medals for public safety but instead they put up all these charges against you and make you go to anger management and WHAT THE HELL IS UP WITH THAT???
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Went Viral, Vehicular Madness, Caught on Video, Fleeing the Scene, Scooter/Golf Cart (e-bike close enough?), WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 19 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Stranger saves 6-year-old from drowning after falling into pool
More:
Surveillance video shows the young boy, named Oscar, arrive at the pool in Fort Lauderdale with an adult.
He tries to jump onto a pool float, but loses his balance and falls into the pool.
The adult with Oscar begins screaming for help as the boy begins to sink to the bottom of the pool.
Roque Ivan Ocampo was passing by when he heard the screams for help and ran to assist.
As Ocampo quickly takes his shoes off, he dives right in to save Oscar.
Bravo, Mr. Ocampo.
SCORE: Water Hazard, Élan, and the usual three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness to Roque Ivan Ocampo.
RUNNING TOTAL: 24 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: He Broke Into Mar-a-Lago to Preach a Little Gospel and Marry Kai
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Four scored stories with a total of 24 points for a respectable average of six points per story.
Solid week, Florida Persons. Keep it up.
Meanwhile, in California...
Man smuggling exotic protected birds in cardboard box is detained in CA, feds say https://t.co/o9r75Dcqab
— The Telegraph (@telegraphga) June 12, 2025
"California man arrived to the U.S. from Mexico with a commercial amount of alcohol, candy, snacks and soda in his car — as well as seven exotic, protected birds inside a cardboard SKYY vodka box."
Sounds like a party to me.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
P.S. Don't miss Five O'Clock Somewhere with Stephen Kruiser, Yours Truly, and special guest Ashley McCully at 3 p.m. Eastern today. There will be day drinking.
