It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, we learn how not to woo the president's granddaughter, how not to shoot par on the third hole, and why it had to be the bees.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man arrested for firing gun inside Lake City hotel room at 'perceived threats'
The hotel clerk couldn't help but notice Florida Man's rifle as he checked out, which, sure enough, showed up on the security video. Soon, housekeeping staff couldn't help but notice all the shell casings and bullet holes in his room.
They called the police, who quickly pulled Florida Man over to ask a few questions. Florida Man explained that somebody had planted snakes in his car — yes, he was tired of those [expletive] snakes — and that he'd fired his gun at what police called "perceived threats" in his hotel room.
I'm reasonably sure that "perceived threats" is police-speak for "drug-induced hallucinations."
I have questions, too.
- Nobody heard the gunshots?
- With that level of soundproofing, what kind of hijinks do guests at Baymont Inn and Suites usually get up to?
- Do they have hourly rates?
Asking for a friend. Or two.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Surveillance Video, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Way to Take the L, Dude You OK?
TOTAL: 5 FMF Points.
Golfers, I Hate These Guys
Florida Man faces attempted homicide charges after bullets fired at golfers
Before we continue, please know in advance that no golfers were harmed in the making of this report.
That could be unsettling for certain readers, I'm sure. You know who you are (and what your handicap is).
What happened was that Florida Man stepped out into his backyard the other day and opened fire on a quartet of golfers on the course he lives near. According to the paper, Florida Man's home "is near Abacoa Golf Club's third hole," which I'm sure is important to certain readers.
No one was hit or injured, and the golfers quickly fled — by cart, naturally.
Florida Man was arrested without incident. And that's it. That's the whole story. Guy just opens fire on some golfers and calmly goes to jail.
I don't understand the appeal of golf (actually, I do, but that's a discussion for another day), but I understand this guy even less.
Exit question: Why did he buy a house that close to a golf course if he hates the game and/or players so much?
SCORE: Golf, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Way to Take the L, Scooter/Golf Cart, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 10 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: From the Maxim Gun to the Maxim AI
Maybe She Didn't Know That Was Wrong
Florida Woman’s Wild Ride Ends In Bus Break-Ins, Stolen First Aid Kits, And A Ford Ranger Joyride
You know what I hate?
You know when you're beating up a Hyundai and then when you get bored with that you start kicking the door of some apartment but it won't open then you start going through all these cars and there's this Jeep with a whole carton of smokes so you take those and this Benadryl and Tylenol from these other cars even though they're not the funnest pills you know of and by this time you've almost forgotten about the first aid kits you stole from those school busses because it turns out there's no kinds of pills at all in those which is when you see this house where maybe the person inside might be dead so it would be cool if you broke in and took some of their stuff but it turns out they were just asleep and they wake up and see you holding their stuff so you say "sorry I thought you were dead" and hand them there stuff back which makes it all OK and while you're wandering around outside there's this Ford Ranger with the keys in it so next thing you're cruising along in this truck but somebody must've called the cops because they pull you over before you can get anywhere cool so now you're sitting in jail with 15-pages worth of charges wondering how things might have gone different if you'd have won that fight with the Hyundai?
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Drugs/Alcohol, Surveillance Video, Likely Story, Crime Spree, Recidivism (surprise!), Face/Neck Tattoos, Glamor Mugshot, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
Nine? Wow.
RUNNING TOTAL: 19 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Neighbor describes Florida Man who operates unpermitted dumps: 'He's a guy who doesn't play by the rules'
"Unpermitted dumps" isn't what you think it is. Unless it is.
You Can't Blame a Young Man for Trying
Trespasser at Mar-a-Lago hoped to marry Trump’s granddaughter, ‘spread the gospel’
Young Texas man made his way to Florida on a mission: meet presidential granddaughter — and certified young hottie — Kai Madison Trump, and preach a little gospel.
So he hopped the security wall at Mar-a-Lago and… well, that went about how you’d expect. Young Texas Man "allegedly told law enforcement that he hopped over Mar-a-Lago’s walls to speak to Trump about the 'gospel' and then marry Kai Madison Trump."
The Secret Service was apparently neither amused nor impressed.
No word whether Kai was even there.
But here's the thing...
Kai just turned legal last month. Lots of people could use a little more Jesus in their lives. Hard to see the problem here — aside from, you know, breaking into the president’s mansion. That's probably a big deal, isn't it?
But look, any kid who loves Jesus and Kai can't be all bad. I say, give him a good talking to, check that he’s on his meds, and — just for the First Family’s peace of mind — maybe see if Jodie Foster has a daughter he can send letters to instead.
SCORE: Tourist Who Just Can't Handle It, Mar-a-Lago (new! but it's been in so many reports lately), Élan, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 23 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
92-year-old Florida Woman sews stuffed dogs for children in the hospital
Caution: Internet-transmissible onion fumes ahead.
Margie Conlin sews adorable, life-sized dogs for kids in the community battling life-threatening illnesses and disabilities.
She’s teamed up with a local nonprofit so that every time she finishes sewing a batch of the beautiful stuffed animals each one is specially delivered to a child in need.
All the magic happens inside a small room in her Jupiter home that she likes to call the “doghouse.”
That's where she sews, stuffs and safely stores dozens of dogs before they are donated to Chasin a Dream Foundation – a nonprofit supporting local families with kids battling life-threatening illnesses and disabilities.
The organization customizes hospital backpacks for children who are newly diagnosed with an illness or disability.
Each one now comes with a stuffed dog.
Margie has sewn more than 300 dogs and says she's not slowing down.
I'm not crying — you're crying.
SCORE: The Elderly, Good Dog (kinda...), plus the usual three Sheer Awesomeness bonus points to Margie.
RUNNING TOTAL: 28 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Don't Hide Your Drugs in a Cop Car
So, How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 28 points for a respectable average of 5.6.
Meanwhile, in Washington State...
Somebody is going to have account for all of those bees.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
