It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, you'll learn the worst place to hide your drug stash, the worst time to strip down naked and break into your neighbor's house, and why they ought to call it a people cage instead of a shark cage.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
911 call about naked intruder leads to ‘large’ drug operation
I really don't need to remind anybody that if you're breaking some serious laws — like having "22 pounds of psilocybin mushrooms; three pounds of marijuana; 12 mature marijuana plants; 17 grams of ketamine; 5.2 pounds of marijuana edibles; and drug ledgers and drug paraphernalia," tons of cash and various firearms in your home — it's a good idea to lie low and not draw attention to yourself.
Except for Florida Man, of course, who had all those things in his house but nevertheless decided — if that's the word — to strip down naked, bang on a neighbor's door with a branch, break in, and then hide in a bedroom until the cops arrived.
These things happen, I'm told.
"Details of what prompted the home intrusion have not been released," the Miami Herald reported, but I can explain why in one word: drugs. For those needing a fuller explanation, Florida Man was on all the drugs.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Public Nudity, Hide & Seek, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Criminal Mastermind, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
TOTAL: 6 FMF Points.
Maybe She Was Going to Come Back for It Later
Florida Woman arrested after trying to hide drugs in patrol vehicle
A great time to blow past a stop sign is when your car is filled with baggies of pot for sale, and you have another baggie full of meth stuffed in your pants.
At least the way Florida Woman does it.
So she got pulled over, police saw the baggies of pot, arrested her, stuck her in the back of the cruiser, and then she got caught on camera pulling the meth out of her pants and trying to stash it in the back seat. Florida Woman is now up on approximately all the drug charges.
Exit quote, courtesy of Flagler County Sheriff Rick Staly: "She thought she could outsmart our deputies, but tricks like this don’t work on our highly trained team."
That might not be the praise you think it is, Sheriff.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Caught on Video, Criminal Mastermind, Getting Caught Stupidly, Glamor Mugshot, You Hid It WHERE?
RUNNING TOTAL: 12 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: Europe Invented Modernity — Now They're Dismantling It
That Doesn't Make It OK
Florida Man apologizes after allegedly fleeing from deputies three times
This is maybe my favorite lede sentence ever from a straight news report: "A Plant City man was arrested Wednesday after he allegedly fled law enforcement three separate times during the same traffic stop."
Bravo, Florida Man. Bravo.
But there's more.
Florida Man was initially pulled over for not having a license plate on his car, according to the Hillsborough County Sheriff's Office, but he drove off as several patrol cars attempted to box his vehicle in.
Dashcam footage from the incident shows the car slip by a deputy's car in front of it before continuing down Renfroe Avenue in Dover, and ultimately crashing.
One deputy's body-worn camera video then captured the moment another law enforcement officer apprehended Florida Man. As other deputies arrived and assisted with detaining and handcuffing the suspect, the video shows him saying "I'm sorry," several times.
Exit quote: "What did I do wrong?" That's especially rich, considering that Florida Man had a passenger in the car who begged to be let out before the first attempt at fleeing, so Florida Man's long list of charges includes kidnapping.
SCORE: Police Chase, Drugs/Alcohol, Vehicular Madness, Assaulting a Cop, Police Bodycam, Resisting Arrest, Fleeing the Scene (times three!), Should Have Taken the L, Chutzpah.
11 FMF points!
RUNNING TOTAL: 23 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Woman accused of having sex with an underage boy she met at funeral
You do what you want, but I'm not clicking that one.
Maybe He Didn't Know That Was Wrong
Florida Man arrested after crashing into Elyria hotel
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes you've got to get out of Florida and go somewhere less crazy and you figure that if there's an exact opposite of Florida it's got to be Ohio so there you are in some place called Elyria which you're pretty sure isn't even a word and you've got a room at this swanky motel with a pool and everything but you were out doing some stuff and on your way back to the motel you maybe crash into it a little bit and pretty much take out an entire wall of windows and glass doors to the pool but it's late so you figure you'll just casually drive your car a couple blocks away and hang out somewhere else like nothing happened but the police somehow figure it out and take you in and now you're sitting in some jail cell wishing you were back in Florida?
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol (the story doesn't say, but, c'mon), Vehicular Madness, Fleeing the Scene, Should Have Taken the L.
RUNNING TOTAL: 27 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Booze cruise boat captain rescues drowning Florida Man before belting out karaoke
Florida Man got himself drunk enough that trying to reach the water at Punta Gorda left him with a bloody head injury and nearly drowning. Fortunately, the Coast Guard was nearby and... wait... that wasn't the Coast Guard — it was a karaoke tiki boat with a quick-thinking captain.
[Cole] Kelly and crew were facilitating one of those silly, sloppy booze cruises when they noticed a man fighting to stay afloat in the water. “As we got closer, we saw the commotion on shore,” the boat captain recounted to WLKY. But this wasn’t a drunk patron falling overboard. No, it was a drunk Florida man who had taken a spill over a railing and hit a rock in an attempt to reach the water. He was bleeding pretty badly, and likely didn’t have much time before he drowned.
According to Kelly, the crew and passengers came together to throw a life preserver out to the man and encourage him to grab it. They then pulled the man in and tended to him with the booze cruise boat’s first aid kit. “He wasn’t very talkative at all. He wasn’t very coherent either. He was very intoxicated,” Kelly told interviewers.
Kelly dismissed people calling him a hero after the event. “I was in the right place at the right time. And I feel like when I see someone in need, I have a responsibility to help them out.”
Exit quote: "After they 'scrubbed the blood off the boat,' the patrons got back to the party. 'We sang some awesome karaoke, Kelly said. 'We still had a phenomenal sunset.'"
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Water Hazard, Élan, Cruise Ship (a tiki boat counts, right?), plus the usual three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness.
RUNNING TOTAL: 34 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Leave That MAGA Man Alone
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 34 points for a record-tying average of 6.8.
What a week.
Meanwhile, in Mexico...
Umm....
— ฿₳₮₮ⱠɆ ฿ɎⱤĐ (@BattleByrd) May 29, 2025
I don't think that is supposed to happen! pic.twitter.com/6YOS09lZlT
You'll understand the shark's confusion that the so-called "shark cage" is actually for people.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
P.S. Don't miss Five O'Clock Somewhere with Stephen Kruiser, Yours Truly, and special guest Brandon Morse at 3 p.m. Eastern today. There will be day drinking.
