It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week, you'll learn where not to punch a cop, the worst time to play hide and seek, and all about the Texas Mom who really knows how to throw a party.
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida (Wo)Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Woman arrested after punching officer’s testicles, refusing to pay tab at steakhouse
So Florida Woman racked up a $99.53 tab at a steakhouse and, going by typical steakhouse prices and what happened next, she ordered a lot of booze and maybe — maybe — the wedge salad.
She was drunk enough that she thought refusing to pay was a fine idea. Florida Woman kept that up, even after police escorted her outside and a stranger offered to Venmo her money to settle the tab.
The cop tried to help her set up Venmo on her phone, but somehow even that went wrong. Florida Woman got agitated, snatched her phone, and then punched the cop in his most tender of places. According to the report, this caused the officer "extreme pain."
You don't say.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Assaulting a Cop (New! And this hasn't been here the whole time?), Should Have Taken the L, Glamor Mugshot.
TOTAL: 4 FMF Points.
You'll Never Guess What She Looks Like
Florida Woman charged after allegedly attacking 72-year-old Trump supporter wearing MAGA hat
I guess including the mugshot kinda spoiled the headline, huh?
The story almost tells itself, too:
Florida Woman admitted she approached the man – who has not been publicly identified – at Northeast Park and Paw Place to ask him about President Donald Trump and why he supports him, according to an arrest affidavit obtained by FOX 13 Tampa Bay.
The two got into an argument at some point during the confrontation before Garrett poured a can she was holding on the victim's head and hit him on the back of his head and shoulder area with it.
And at a dog park — c'mon.
Anyway, Florida Woman jumped the fence to get away, was approached by police shortly after, and then attacked the cops. She was a real grown-up about it, too, "intentionally [dropping] to the ground when officers put her in handcuffs and that when an officer tried to escort her to the front of the park, she wrapped both of her legs around him and caused him to fall."
SCORE: The Elderly, Resisting Arrest, Fleeing the Scene, Should Have Taken the L, Glamor Mugshot, and a bonus Demerit Point (new!) for being so awful that I had to bring politics into FMF.
RUNNING TOTAL: 10 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: Europe Invented Modernity — Now They're Dismantling It
The Kids Are All Right
Florida Man arrested after hiding in child's bedroom closet
Thank goodness this story is less creepy than the headline makes it out to be.
Slightly less creepy, anyway.
Neighbors called the police about a suspicious-looking man in a four-wheeler. When they arrived, Florida Man took off, ditched the four-wheeler, broke into a nearby house, stashed his drugs (of course, he had drugs) under a child's bed, and then hid in the closet.
It took the police approximately zero seconds to find Florida Man because he wasn't exactly in Stealth Mode. He'll also go back to Georgia, where he has some lovely outstanding warrants.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Vehicular Madness, Fleeing the Scene, Hide & Seek, Outstanding Warrant(s), You Hid It WHERE?
RUNNING TOTAL: 16 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man, 70, accused of murder-for-hire plot involving alleged sex-slave victim
I've had this tab open for two weeks but never quite worked up the courage to read past the headline. So I'm just going to leave the headline here for you to click — or not.
Maybe He Didn't Know That Was Wrong
Florida Man drunkenly wrecks Jeep with cocaine after being dumped
You know what I hate?
You know how when your girlfriend dumps you and you get so upset that you call this guy you know to get some blow and maybe you're already drunk but you get the blow anyway and you're cruising around in your jeep and you're not sure exactly what happened but the next thing you know some cops are waking you up from a perfectly good sleep for no reason other than somehow the Jeep crashed and you're passed out next to it on the road with the steering wheel and you didn't even know those came off and the cops are saying you're drunk just because you can't stand up but you show them by refusing to take a breathalyzer or pee in the cup but they arrest you anyway and now you're in jail without your girlfriend and hoping you don't become somebody else's?
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Vehicular Madness, Suspended License/Expired Tags, Should Have Taken the L, Dude You OK?, and a bonus Demerit Point to whoever wrote that clunker of a headline.
RUNNING TOTAL: 22 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Why is that dog’s picture on a whiskey bottle? Meet Dodger, a hurricane hero https://t.co/swdhsDeYF4
— Sarasota Herald-Tribune (@HeraldTribune) May 21, 2025
Now that's a good boy:
In honor of National Rescue Dog Day on May 20, TINCUP Whiskey is featuring Dodger, a Belgian Malinois who supported relief work in Florida after being rescued and trained to visit disaster sites by the National Disaster Search Dog Foundation (SDF). It's part of the company's new campaign, TINPUP.
"TINCUP and SDF are working together to give Dodger the recognition he deserves as a local hero," the company said in a release, as part of "an often-overlooked group of first responders."
Dodger was born to be a first responder, TINCUP said in an announcement. "At only three months old, Dodger showed strong focus - the perfect fit for rescues!"
Dodger was deployed in October 2024 to help with Hurricane Milton rescue missions, TINCUP said.
More: "In October 2024, Adam and Dodger deployed to join their NE-TF1 teammates in North Carolina, where they had been assisting with rescue and recovery efforts following Hurricane Helene."
SCORE: The usual three bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness, plus another for getting that handsome mug on a whiskey bottle. Raise one for Dodger.
RUNNING TOTAL: 26 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Marlboro Man Thought He Was Usain Bolt
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 26 points for a respectable average of 5.2.
Not a huge-scoring week by any means, but I'd like to thank Florida Woman for really stepping up.
Meanwhile, in Texas...
Texas Mother arrested after bringing Jell-O shots to 5th-grade classroom party
Maybe the important thing is that everybody had a good time.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
