It's time for your much-needed break from the serious news, and this week we have a not-so-gentle reminder that you never go Full Miami Blues, how not to get revenge on your ex, and the New Hampshire Woman you don't want to go grocery shopping with.
Hey, Florida Man Friday is usually reserved for our VIP supporters, but I begged my managing editor to let me open it up this week to everybody. Paula agreed, but I had to promise to tell everybody about our massive 60% off FIGHT promotion for new VIP members. Florida Man will be here next Friday, and I hope you will be, too.
With that out of the way, let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
20 Y.O. Crashes Through BMW Showroom After M4 CS Credit Check Failed
Do you know why 20-year-old men can't get credit to buy a $129,000 BMW? Because they have no business driving a BMW from BMW's M-for-Motorsport line.
But it might take a 20-year-old Florida Man to show up at the dealer, fail the credit approval, try to steal the keys to a brand-new M4 CS, and when that failed, circle the dealer in his own car a couple of times before flooring the accelerator and crashing into the showroom.
Florida Man then got out of his car and again tried to steal the keys to the M4 before fleeing on foot.
The $60,000 in damages probably won't do much to help his credit rating.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Fleeing the Scene, Drive-Thru Mayhem (Hey, he made his own), Should Have Taken the L.
TOTAL: 4 FMF Points.
Only 4 points for all that?
Hoping to Do What, Exactly?
Florida Man poses as immigration officer at Orlando apartments
It's almost impossible to imagine how a perfect caper like this one failed, yet somehow it did.
Florida Man decided to purge his apartment complex of illegal aliens. So he cleverly disguised himself as an ICE agent by putting a gun in his jacket. No ICE uniform, no ICE badge. Just a gun and a grim determination to do the job that no one else was willing to do.
Sure enough, Florida Man was reported for suspicious activity after he stopped a worker at the complex and told him he was investigating "illegal immigrants in the area." He was also knocking on doors and windows, telling people he was with the police.
Drugs and alcohol don't seem to have been involved, strangely enough.
My favorite bit: "When deputies arrived, Florida Man presented them with a blue card from the Florida Department of Agriculture and Consumer Services, claiming it proved he was an officer. However, deputies said the card indicated he had only applied for a Class D security license."
Nevertheless, Florida Man insisted he was with the government and couldn't be arrested. It is unclear if he was still saying that in the county lockup.
SCORE: Impersonation, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Élan, Criminal Mastermind, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 9 FMF Points.
Exclusively for our VIPs: Ding-Dong the Witch Is (Almost) Dead
Never Date Crazy (but Stupid Is Strangely Safe*)
Florida Woman admits to vandalizing ex’s vehicle ... but she got the wrong car
*Strangely safe for you but maybe not your neighbor. It sucks to be Florida Man's neighbor.
So young Florida Woman might have been drinking a few Four Lokos with her underage gal pal when she decided to get revenge on her ex-boyfriend — he reportedly owed her $700 — by vandalizing his car with yellow spray paint.
Police pulled her over and found her clearly drunk (not to mention underage) and in possession of drugs, booze, and... you guessed it... a can of yellow spray paint. The young gal pal had paint on her pants, too, despite claims of not being involved.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Police Bodycam, Likely Story, Criminal Mastermind, Getting Caught Stupidly, Domestic Bliss, Glamor Mugshot.
RUNNING TOTAL: 16 FMF Points
Bonus Florida Headline: Florida Man Seeking Revenge on Ex Sent Her Nude Images to Her Three Children
No, Florida Man. Just no.
Naked and Bloody Is No Way to Get Arrested
Naked Florida man accused of burglarizing home
You know what I hate?
You know how sometimes maybe you've been smoking some stuff and maybe you need some more stuff or at least money to buy some more stuff and so you strip down and break into this guy's house through the window and maybe you get all cut up crawling through the glass but that's when the guy comes home and he's looking at you there all naked and bloody then they guy calls the police if you can believe that even though you haven't even stolen anything yet and the cops show up pretty quick so you put on some underwear and they're telling you to get all the dressed and you're all like "no way I got my undies on" then they take you to the hospital for the cuts and to test you for drugs because for whatever reason they think you're acting "erratic" and the next thing you know you're in jail with no more stuff and no money for more stuff but at least you got your undies.
Don't you hate that, too?
SCORE: Public Nudity, Drugs/Alcohol, Recidivism, Getting Caught Stupidly, Outstanding Warrant(s), Dude You OK?
RUNNING TOTAL: 22 FMF Points.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Florida Nurse hailed as hero for saving motorcyclist after crash in Brevard County
Some highlights from this report, which, I must warn you, contains more of those internet-transmissible onion fumes.
- Martin Johnson, a father of five, was seriously injured in a motorcycle crash last Thursday when a car attempting a U-turn struck him. The crash occurred at the intersection of U.S. 1 and Masterson.
- Before emergency responders arrived, bystanders, including Health First nurse Judie Kent, rushed to his aid. Johnson suffered a broken femur and multiple fractures and remains hospitalized.
- With her medical training, she stabilized Johnson, preventing further damage to his leg before paramedics arrived. She acted instinctively, not considering herself a hero, but her quick response may have saved his life.
- Her trained eyes knew what to look for, and she knew she had to keep Martin still or his injuries could have gotten worse.
- "Without her help, I probably wouldn't have my leg anymore, and without anybody's help, I probably would have been dead," he said, holding back tears.
Finally: "It is also uncertain how long Johnson’s recovery will take or whether he will regain full mobility. His family has set up a GoFundMe to help cover medical expenses and lost wages."
SCORE: The usual three bonus hero points for Sheer Awesomeness to Judie plus an extra one for doing it all in traffic, and a WTF Were You Even THINKING? to the driver of the car for trying to make a U-turn without checking all directions.
RUNNING TOTAL: 27 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Finally, Another Stolen Police Cruiser Story
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 27 points for a respectable average of 5.4.
No super-high-scoring stories this week, but it feels like a solid effort all around.
Meanwhile, in New Hampshire...
New Hampshire Woman contaminated grocery store food with her urine for years, police say
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday
P.S. If you've made it this far, don't forget to take advantage of that 60% off FIGHT promotion — and never miss another Florida Man Friday, Thursday Essay, Five O'Clock Somewhere, and all the other VIP/Gold/Platinum exclusives.
P.P.S. Don't miss Five O'Clock Somewhere with Stephen Kruiser, Yours Truly, and special guest Kira Davis at 3 p.m. Eastern today. There will be day drinking.
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