Florida Man might have had his biggest year ever in 2023, so I thought we'd celebrate with a look back at some of his wildest stories.
Remember, this is a compilation, not a competition — so no wagering, please.
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Year)
Florida Man caught drinking, dancing out of store after stealing watch
Florida Man is just ten henchmen shy of a great caper, although if I’m being totally honest about it, he’s also going to need a much more exciting target and maybe 30-40 additional IQ points and a modicum of self-control.
Anyway, he sauntered into a jewelry store, drinking a Smirnoff Ice Pink Lemonade — as all the highest-class con men do — asked to try on a Citizen watch, and then danced out wearing the watch.
From there, Florida Man made his way to Walmart where he allegedly stole a 12-pack of Michelob Ultra Pure Gold, Armor All, and a Sharpie. I don’t know what they call it elsewhere, but in Port St. Lucie, when you get a free 12-pack of Michelob Ultra Pure Gold, Armor All, and a Sharpie, they call it a party.
Police caught up with Florida Man in the Walmart parking lot, and he’s been charged with grand theft.
George Clooney is already in talks to play him in the movie adaptation.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Caught on Video, Walmart, Crime of the Century
I'm not 100% sure why I picked this one as the Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Year) but it almost certainly had something to do with "ten henchmen shy of a great caper."
A Florida Man of Caliber
Florida Man Hides Bullet In Testicles When Being Taken To Jail
So Florida Man was being taken to jail after using stolen credit card information to book “a luxurious 17-night vacation rental in Indian Rocks Beach, near the Gulf of Mexico,” according to 97X.
Police found him at home along with “a plethora of forged identification documents,” none of which said “Hunter Biden” on them so far as I know.
Going through the usual drill of checking Florida Man into jail, police found a .22 caliber bullet nestled in a very tender and personal location — and not the usual one involving the “bend over and spread ’em” command.
I’d be more impressed if it had been a .30-06 or if Florida Man had any clue what he was trying to accomplish. Or maybe he just keeps it there, all the time, just because?
Exit Question: What was Florida Man going to use to fire the testicle bullet?
Never mind, I don’t want to know — and neither do you.
SCORE: Impersonation, Crime of the Century, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
I could have done the entire 2023 roundup with nothing but "don't put things in your body where things don't go" stories but decided to settle on just the best one.
You Know What I Hate?
Florida Man claims to have explosive device when family members try to evict him
You know what I hate?
I hate it when all I want to do is keep living at home even though I’m 21 and don’t pay any rent or chip in with the utilities or even the groceries and when my family finally gets all upset over nothing and calls me a freeloader and I don’t even know why so I tell them “I’ve got a bomb in my room so you can’t kick me out or I’ll blow up the whole house” but then my mom is like, “Bobby, you did not build a bomb in there — you couldn’t even tie your shoes until the fourth grade” and now the police are here so I guess I’ll be staying with them for a while.
Don’t you hate that, too?
SCORE: Weapon (Preferably Unusual [Although in This Case, Imaginary]), Domestic Bliss, Should Have Taken the L.
The "You Know What I Hate?" feature sprang to life with a story from May involving Florida Man resisting arrest after a silly crime the way only Florida Man would — and it instantly became a favorite of yours to read and mine to write and so I'm just gonna keep doing these no matter how much it drives my editors mad [editor's note: just a tad] because they're always like "Did you leave out some formatting" or "Did you paste something you didn't mean to?" and then I gotta remind them that this is Florida, man, and we can do whatever crimes we like to the English language and nobody's going to send me to jail for that I mean not a second time probably because I swear I'll feed myself to a gator before I do more time in grammar prison.
Andrea, You Stole Another Ambulance?
Florida Woman wearing medical gown flees hospital in stolen ambulance
Ever had a news story make you do a doubletake so hard that one of your contact lenses flies out? No? Just me?
I was doing my FMF news search when I saw a headline pop up about Florida Woman stealing an ambulance. Apparently, she was sitting in her hospital gown and footies on a bench outside the HCA Florida St. Lucie Hospital when she noticed that arriving EMTs had left their ambulance running.
So she hopped in the empty truck and took off. Thanks to a GPS tracker and some nasty traffic, police caught up quickly and arrested Florida Woman after she tried to flee on foot (wearing those paper footies) and further resisting arrest.
As one does.
Sound familiar? Back in June, Florida Woman stole a totally different ambulance in the Miami area. She crashed that one, twice, before police caught up with her — and the unlucky employee who was still inside.
That’s why I did the double-take. We’ve had not one but TWO stolen ambulances since our last stolen police car report. I’m not sure how to feel about that because you know how much I love my stolen police car stories.
“I’ve never heard of somebody stealing an ambulance other than outside a movie,” Police Chief Richard Del Toro told WPBF-25 News. “Maybe the ‘Fugitive’ or something like that.”
The chief needs to start reading VodkaPundit if he wants to stay on top of what really goes on in Florida.
On Florida Man Friday, history repeats itself the first time as farce.
SCORE: Stolen Ambulance, Police Chase, Fleeing, Resisting, Getting Caught Stupidly, Glamor Mugshot.
The Year's Highest-Scoring Story
Florida Man sets fire to his house during 4-hour standoff over shoplifted cigarettes
This one's almost got it all.
Florida Man got caught lifting smokes at a Volusia County convenience store, and deputies must have arrived just as he was leaving because he drove right at them. There was a chase, and stop sticks were deployed, but Florida Man made it home on a deflated tire. Once there, police ordered him out, but he opened fire instead. One deputy was hit but didn't sustain life-threatening injuries — otherwise, you know I'd probably have skipped this story, even with all the lurid details.
But there's more.
Florida Man set fire to his truck and barricaded himself inside his home. A four-hour standoff ensued, during which he also set fire to his own house. "I'll show you who can smoke!" I guess.
But there's still more.
Florida Man was out on the second-floor balcony, so police used one of those armored trucks to knock it down and bring him in. You'll be shocked to learn that in addition to being arrested on pretty much all the charges, Florida Man also ended up in the hospital.
SCORE: Convenience Store, Vehicular Madness, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Police Chase, Resisting Arrest, Stand-Off, Should Have Taken the L (at the convenience store), WTF Were You Even THINKING? (various fires, the balcony).
Never before — but hopefully someday he will again — has Florida Man scored eight points for a single outing.
So How Did Florida Man Do This Year?
You tell me.
Meanwhile, Earlier This Year in Vegas…
Caesars Palace hostage suspect caused $50K in damage at Vegas hotel room
Colorado Man, whom I’m proud to say has been on a run to rival Florida Man, went to Vegas and hilarity ensued.
That is, if your idea of hilarity includes some transient fugitive going to Vegas, getting extremely high with his ladyfriend (who believed his line about being “an MTV actor”) on a “days-long” bender, throwing a TV out the window, trashing a hotel room to the tune of $50 large, then getting in an altercation with police that brought charges of kidnapping, coercion with force or threat of force with a deadly weapon, destroying or injuring real or personal property, resisting a public officer with a deadly weapon and disregarding the safety of people and property.
That’s certainly my idea of hilarity, but I’m willing to admit that it’s probably funnier if you weren’t there.
Finally, there’s this gem from Patrick Reilly’s New York Post writeup: “It’s not clear what drugs they had been using.”
All the drugs, Patrick. They took all the drugs, every single one.
I had to pick this one for the "Meanwhile, in..." spot because it involved both Vegas and Colorado Man. All of us here in the Centennial State couldn't be more proud.
Come back next week for the very first 2024 edition of...
