On this week’s Florida Man Friday we have the ultimate joyride, the curious case of the sandwich meat assault, and Maryland Man stealing Florida Man’s thunder — among other things.
Let us begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man leads police on chase in stolen fire truck
Miami Fire Rescue crews were training in North Miami Beach when — I kid thee not — Florida Man appeared out of nowhere and (allegedly!) took off in one of their fire trucks. He hit a parked police cruiser along the way, then raced north on I-95 through Broward County. His adventure ended at a police blockade on the Florida Turnpike near Boynton Beach.
He did not appear shocked to find himself handcuffed and in police custody.
All in all, the theft and chase lasted more than two hours.
Longtime Sharp VodkaPundit Readers™ know that my favorite stories involve Florida Man attempting to flee in a stolen police car. But now I have a new second favorite: Florida Man attempting to flee in a stolen fire truck.
Fleeing in other stolen vehicles of dubious value — scooters, golf carts, school busses, etc. — remain in a very close third place.
But in this case, Florida Man didn’t seem to be fleeing. It looks like he just stole a freakin’ fire truck and took it on a joyride for the sheer hell of it.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Police Chase, Caught on Video, and a bonus point for Chutzpah.
TOTAL: 4 FMF Points.
How to Defend Yourself from a Man Armed with Sandwich Meats
Florida Man arrested after throwing piece of deli meat at police officer
“I got a black belt in karate and a black belt in Judo,” Florida Man told a Port Orange police officer. “You’re going to be in a world of hurt.”
The whole thing started when Florida Man kept going in and out of a local smoke shop, bothering the customers, saying vulgar things to a clerk, and trying to get behind the counter — you know, typical smoke shop behavior.
The police came, and Florida Man got weird with them, too, telling the officer to come closer so they could fight. “He slammed his sandwich down on the bench and put up his dukes,” according to the report, “taunting the officer to throw down, and attempting to perform a Karate kick.”
Attempting. Heh.
One of the first things they teach you in Totally Real Karate School is when the need arises, to attack a police officer with the entire sandwich. Florida Man, who clearly never went to Totally Real Karate School, took a piece of salami off of his sandwich and threw it at the cop.
“Go ahead, arrest me,” he said. The officer went ahead and did just that.
During his arrest, Florida Man informed the police officer he’d be out in 30 minutes, threatened to sue him for millions, and informed him he was lucky he didn’t have a pocket knife or he’d stab him to death.
SCORE: Stupid Crime, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Likely Story, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 8 FMF Points.
BONUS ‘ONLY IN FLORIDA’ HEADLINE: Florida driver stops for turtle crossing busy highway, causes multi-vehicle crash.
Bicycle Race
WARNING: So much bad language in this body cam footage. Plus a lot of unhinged conspiracy stuff.
Florida Woman arrested after attempting to stab deputy with Fix-a-Flat tool during arrest
You know what I hate?
I hate it when I’m casually riding my bike against traffic, nearly causing several car collisions along my merry way, when those jerk drivers call the police just because I was keying their cars as I rode past them, and then when I show my displeasure with their intolerance by running my bike away from the police, only to have one of them catch up with me and force me to the ground, and they won’t let me go or even turn off their body cams, even after I explain to them in the strongest possible terms that I’d already told them for years not to record me, and then suddenly I’m in even bigger trouble just for trying to stab one of the cops a bunch of times in the leg with my fix-a-flat tool.
Don’t you hate that?
It’s been a long time (and two skinned knees and two matching elbows) since I tried to ride a bike drunk. I don’t know what Florida Woman was on but it was clearly more powerful than mere booze.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol (I presume), Recidivism, Vehicular Madness, Fleeing, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Resisting, Tasered.
RUNNING TOTAL: 15 FMF Points.
Recommended: TAKE THE QUIZ: How Weird Was the ‘Wired’ Interview With Pete Buttigieg?
Falling for You
Florida Man arrested after falling through ceiling at medical building in Escambia County
Imagine you’re working in an infectious disease center, and your name may or may not rhyme with “Bowchi,” when suddenly somebody falls through the ceiling in the next room.
This guy, to be specific, seems to have fallen asleep during his arrest:
That’s what happened in Escambia County, where Florida Man apparently broke in and was climbing around in the ceiling for purposes unknown when it gave way. Police found him in possession of burglary tools. What was he going to steal from an infectious disease center, the recipe for Super COVID-19?
Dr. Bowchi could not be reached for comment.
Witnesses said he looked disoriented after the fall, but I’m betting he looked that way beforehand. Probably for years beforehand.
SCORE: Glamor Mug Shot, Getting Caught Stupidly, Recidivism, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 19 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: That Last Round of Candy Crush Sent Him to Jail
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Another really solid effort, earning a 4.8 point average on four stories with a total of 19 points.
Honestly though, Florida Man couldn’t have done it without Florida Woman and her fix-a-flat.
Meanwhile, in Maryland…
Maryland Man Arrested for Leading Police on a Highway Chase In a Stolen Military Vehicle the Same Day He Was Released From Jail
The only flaw in this report is that Maryland Man did not steal the 6×6 five-ton truck from a military base. Still, it takes a set of brass ones to steal that kind of kit even from a private owner, because you’ve got to figure that’s hardly the only piece of military gear in the truck-owner’s possession.
Assuming, that is, Maryland Man was figuring anything at all.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…
