On this week’s Florida Man Friday, we have whatever is the opposite of a master of disguise, the curious case of the speeding ambulance that didn’t wail, and California Man getting busted for the (lamest) Crime of the Century.
Let us begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Woman Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Woman stole ambulance with employee inside, crashed it twice
You know my favorite stories are the ones where, facing arrest, Florida Man or Woman flees the scene by stealing a police car. But a stolen ambulance is almost as good, clearly. The desperation, the chutzpah required, the conspicuousness of it all — they give me a thrill every time.
But how to judge Florida Woman when she stole an ambulance out of the blue last Friday?
With an ambulance company employee inside?
And then got involved in a hit-and-run (where no one was hurt, thank goodness)?
Before crashing it a second time?
Who also, according to Broward County authorities, leaped out of the moving vehicle, Hollywood-style, before it hit a tree, George of the Jungle-style?
But ended up in the hospital?
Unlike the kidnapped guy, who somehow managed to escape without injury before the first crash?
I haven’t quite figured it all out yet, but it’s probably going to involve a lot of FMF points.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Accidental Kidnapping (New!), Police Chase, Impersonation (of a Hollywood stuntman), Recidivism (according to Mugshots.com), WTF Were You Even THINKING?
TOTAL: 6 FMF Points.
It’s going to be a good week, isn’t it?
Boating While Intoxicated Is a Natural Right
Drunk Florida Man Passes Out While Driving His Boat, Narrowly Misses Swimmers On Madeira Beach
You can’t make up a scene like this one in St. Petersburg, and on Fridays here at PJ Media, you don’t have to.
Police: “How much have you had to drink?”
Florida Man: “[Drunkenly] I, uh, I have no alcohol.”
Police: “[Pointing] I’m looking at an empty beer can.”
Florida Man: “[Looks down, shakes head as if to deny existence of said beer can.]”
There’s video at the link but it’s a Facebook embed. I try not to use those here because of Facebook’s nonexistent privacy protections.
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Water Hazard, Drugs/Alcohol, Likely Story, Caught on Video.
RUNNING TOTAL: 11 FMF Points.
Now That’s an Unboxing Video
Florida Man Uses Unusual Item As Disguise During Robbery
I can’t stop laughing.
Even Florida Man knows that the phone store has video surveillance. He’s also smart enough to know that putting on a ski mask to hide his identity would arouse suspicion because ski season in Florida ended weeks ago.
So he put a box on his head.
It was a really big cardboard box with no eyeholes or anything to see out of. He’s just looking down, out the bottom of the box, as he goes about his daily business of smashing up a Miami Gardens store and shoving smartphones into his bag.
You can tell where this madcap adventure is headed at 11 seconds in, when Florida Man has to catch the box from falling off and revealing his secret identity — Wile E. Coyote, Geeeeenius, if you want to know — to the whole world.
Except that, at the 16-second mark, he knocks the box off his own head and can be clearly seen on the tape that police must have watched about a million times (with popcorn) before spotting Florida Man later that day and arresting him.
“But I had my box on almost the whole time!”
SCORE: Went Viral, Caught on Video, Getting Caught Stupidly, Master of Disguise (New!), WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 16 FMF Points.
Exclusively for Our VIPs: PETA Pres. Says Come for the Vegetarianism but Stay for the Cannibalism
A Series of Unfortunate Events
Florida Man hails taxi to flee from hit-and-run crash
You know what I hate?
I hate it when I’m cruising in my Cadillac through Miami-Dade and through no fault of my own I run into some tiny little Mini Cooper that you can hardly see it’s so small but it still flips my car over so I get seen on some stupid Instagram video hailing a cab so I can just go home because who wants to stick around that scene and then for no good reason the cops show up at my house and so I tell them how I was actually chasing my own car after it got stolen at a gas station so it couldn’t have been me driving but they don’t believe me even though I can’t describe the car thief or remember which gas station it was and now I’m facing charges of leaving the scene.
Don’t you hate that, too?
SCORE: Likely Story, Vehicular Madness, Caught on Video, Fleeing the Scene, Should Have Taken the L.
RUNNING TOTAL: 21 FMF Points.
One More? OK, One More
Florida Man with heroin, meth arrested after breaking into private patio to charge phone
The first three things every thief should know about becoming a successful burglar are to make sure nobody is there, move quickly in case someone is on their way there, and, of course, never knock the box off your head.
I should open Steve’s School of Burglary in Jacksonville. I’d make a killing off these guys.
Anyway.
Florida Man decided to burgle some electricity from a home in Hernando County on Wednesday and broke into the patio to do just that. Apparently, there was a convenient outlet on the patio because that’s where the homeowner, who was totally in her own home as some people are wont to do, called the police to let them know there was a strange man (very strange) hanging out on her patio.
“An off-duty deputy in the area was the first to arrive at the home and says he saw a man, who appeared to be very relaxed, sitting on the patio charging his phone at an electrical outlet,” according to Fox 13.
But that’s not the best part. This is: “The deputy detained him and says the man told him that he thought he was at his girlfriend’s house, but admitted he didn’t know her address.”
She lives in Canada. They met at Niagara Falls. You wouldn’t know her.
Police discovered that Florida Man was carrying approximately all of the drugs.
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Likely Story, Getting Caught Stupidly, Glamor Mugshot.
RUNNING TOTAL: 25 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: See Florida Woman Go Full ‘Dukes of Hazzard’ in… a Nissan Altima?
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five stories. 25 points. An even 5 points per story on average.
One of the best weeks ever — thank you, Florida Man and Woman.
Meanwhile, in California…
California Man faces 21 years for trying to smuggle in frozen, roasted eels
Even if California Man only gets a single year in prison for his crime, he’d better come up with a better story than “smuggling frozen, roasted eels” if he wants to survive that long.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…
