On this week’s Florida Man Friday we have the woman driver my dad warned me about, the greatest job interview and offer of all time, and how not to do #NoPantsFriday.
Let us begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Shocking video shows man in alligator habitat at Florida Busch Gardens
You know how sometimes when you jump not one but two security fences at Busch Gardens to get closer to an entire congregation of alligators and then all those weak-kneed tourists get all upset?
No?
“It’s very dangerous. Please come out,” one witness said.
Weirdest part? When Florida Man yelled, “Another wild Karen, crikey,” in a fake Australian accent at the people in the crowd.
The worst part? If this idiot had managed to get himself bitten by a gator — as he clearly deserved — the park would have had to put the gator down — which it clearly would not have deserved.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Wild Animals, Water Hazard, Theme Park, Impersonation, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
TOTAL: 5 FMF Points.
Florida Man pulls gun on ATM user due to impatience
True story.
During my northern California days, my 22-year-old self was in a rush to get a paycheck deposited before the check for the utility bill bounced. It was Friday, of course, so there was a line at the one ATM outside Wells Fargo. Things weren’t moving quickly, either. I swear the woman at the front of the line was trying to figure out how to use the ATM to trade stocks on margin.
So I put on my Creepy Guy voice — the one so creepy that it still weirds out my wife after more than 20 years — and started mumbling to myself, just loudly enough to be heard by the people in front of me.
“OK, OK, OK. I put my card in the machine… and then I put in my SECRET CODE. Then I get the money. All the money. Not ALL the money. I get twenty dollars. No, I get FORTY dollars. I could get a lot of stuff for forty dollars…”
By the time I got to the part about “a lot of stuff,” the line had magically cleared. As I recall, the check for the utility bill cleared, too.
Which is my longwinded way of explaining why I’ll never be Florida Man:
The man pulled up behind the user at the drive-thru ATM and began honking his horn, and when the user stepped out of his van to get a deposit slip from the back of his vehicle, the men “exchanged words” and then the impatient Florida man pulled out a gun, according to a report by Fox 5 Atlanta.
The man, described as in his 40s or 50s, was armed with a semi-automatic handgun and yelled and cursed at the ATM user before getting back in his car and driving away.
You know they have this guy on video. You know he’ll probably get caught.
Easier and cheaper just to let the utility check bounce this one time, isn’t it?
SCORE: Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Drive-Thru Mayhem, Vehicular Madness.
RUNNING TOTAL: 8 FMF Points.
BONUS ONLY IN FLORIDA HEADLINE: Florida Man wrangles large alligator inside elementary school parking lot.
Mind If I Drop in for an Interview?
Florida Man lands job after skydiving to request work
So cool:
Chris Serrano, a creative director living in Florida, filmed himself skydiving whilst holding a piece of cardboard reading ‘Open4Work.’
He posted the clip on LinkedIn with the caption: “I got laid off last week. So I will be freefalling until I find a new gig—literally.
But it gets better.
Serrano’s post caught the eye of Manchester-based entrepreneur Jack Peagam the Co-founder and CEO of the social app Linkup who responded to the freefalling creative with a job offer.
But in a twist from the usual email or letter, Peagam responded in kind with a video of himself skydiving with a cardboard sign which read “Hey Chris, sorry 2 see you got laid off. We’ve got work 4 U.”
They sealed the job deal with yet another skydive, this time together.
I can’t stop smiling at this story.
SCORE: 3 bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness.
RUNNING TOTAL: 11 FMF Points.
Exclusively for Our VIP Gold Members: FRIDAY AT 4 P.M. EASTERN: ‘Five O’Clock Somewhere’ With Kruiser, VodkaPundit
She Was Never Meanin’ No Harm
Distracted Florida Driver Launches Car Off Tow Truck Ramp at High Speed on Highway
I’m pretty sure I’ve told you this one before, but whenever my dad would drive past a wrecking yard — especially the big one in St. Charles with the cars stacked 20 feet high —- he’d refer to it as “the ladies’ parking lot.” Yes, even when he had a girlfriend in the car with us.
All kidding aside, this one could have gone so much worse.
Lowndes County, Ga., deputies were responding to an accident on Highway 84 when Florida Woman — oblivious to all the deputies, cruisers, and even the roll-back wrecker — sped right up the wrecker and jumped her Nissan Altima what must have been at least 100 feet.
She did not, as ESPN noted, stick the landing and suffered serious injuries. I don’t usually cover stories where people get badly hurt, but that video was too amazing to pass up.
Let’s hope Florida Woman makes a full recovery and learns to keep her eyes on the road.
Neither Sheriff Rosco Coltrane nor Deputy Enos could be reached for comment.
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Impersonation (Of Just Two Good Ol’ Boys), Caught on Video.
RUNNING TOTAL: 14 FMF Points.
When Did Any of This Seem Like a Good Idea?
He was at a Florida park — wearing no pants, police say. Then he grabbed a shovel
You know what I hate?
I hate it when I wander out to the park in Melbourne to smoke a joint with my shovel when a couple of nosy women who might have tried to beat me up last week except maybe that I’d actually threatened them with a knife instead but this time when I come at them with my shovel the police show up and arrest me and for some reason the police think it’s funny when I ask them quite earnestly, “Why didn’t you let me hit her?”
Don’t you hate that, too?
SCORE: Drugs/Alcohol, Resisting, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Likely Story, Recidivism.
RUNNING TOTAL: 19 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: He Turned Thunderbunny Into Thunderdome
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories with a total of 19 points for a solid average of 3.8 FMF points.
Meanwhile, in Wherever the Hell This Is…
Viral video shows a raccoon getting a doughnut from Dunkin’ drive-thru 🤣🍩
pic.twitter.com/97hFV8W2zx— Daily Loud (@DailyLoud) June 1, 2023
What was Dunkin’ Girl thinking?
I can only wait for Part II, in which an aggressively zombie-like mob of raccoons descends on Dunkin’ for their free treats.
A video like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…
