On this week’s Florida Man Friday we have the man who doesn’t know art but knows what he dislikes, a baby-saving time traveler, and a Colorado driver gone to the dogs.
Let us begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man Crashes Car Into 14-Foot Bunny Sculpture
I know what you’re thinking: Let he who has not crashed his car into a 14-foot-tall bunny sculpture cast the first stone at Florida Man.
But this isn’t one of your typical 14-foot bunny sculptures. This is Thunderbunny, the work of famous neo-expressionist artist Hunt Slonem. He’s known by those who know these things for his works involving butterflies, tropical birds, and, yes, bunnies. Thunderbunny is very blue and made of sparkly mosiac tiles and cost $300,000 for the city of Wilton Manors to install.
I swear I’m not making this up.
Slonem’s “bunny wall” is quite moving for people who are moved by such things. I must admit to being taken aback — hurt and disappointed, really — by the presence of flowers, butterflies, and even parrots on the bottom third of this so-called “bunny wall.”
But enough about Mr. Slonem, who doesn’t even live in Florida.
Florida Man crashed his car into Thunderbunny on purpose, as part of a recent crime spree against public art in Wilton Manors. After being caught on video crashing into Thunderbunny, Florida Man confessed to multiple acts of art vandalism in the last month, including a sign, a popsicle statue, and of course, Thunderbunny.
His reason? Florida Man is apparently mad at former Wilton Manors mayor Justin Flippen, whose name adorns the park where Thunderbunny and the other desecrated pieces are installed.
Why the anger? Florida Man blames Flippen “for the birds that we hear,” according to police.
Now that the mystery is cleared up, it’s obvious that Thunderbunny was asking for it.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Stupid Crime, Recidivism, Likely Story, Vehicular Madness, Caught on Video, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
TOTAL: 6 FMF Points.
If this hadn’t already been a six-point story, I might have awarded a bonus point for making me add “Thunderbunny” to my SpellCheck.
Dressed to (Almost) Kill
Florida Man In Cat Pajamas Accused Of Trying To Murder His Roommate
Before we get started on this one, despite the gruesome nature of the attack, Florida Man’s roommate did survive. You know I like to keep it silly here, and there’s nothing silly about murder. (You can watch the police body cam footage here.)
But in this rare instance, there’s something at least a little silly about this attempted murder.
Police showed up after Florida Man stabbed his roommate in the neck, and he was found bleeding profusely after dialing 911. Florida Man was found by police wearing green kitty-cat jammies. Even better, it was a onesie.
Do they even make those in grownup sizes?
Editor’s note: They do indeed!
Police haven’t revealed any possible motive for the attack, but if I had to guess, the roommate is the one who made Florida Man wear the kitty-cat onesie.
SCORE: Glamour Mugshot, Drugs/Alcohol (just look at that mugshot), Domestic Bliss.
RUNNING TOTAL: 9 FMF Points.
Florida Man threw brick through window of home, claimed to be time traveler
You might be asking yourself right now: Do we even have an extradition agreement with the future?
Well, it hardly matters for Florida Man, who is already in Ocala police custody after taking a swim in a pool in the backyard of a house that was not his, before throwing a brick through the window “to save a baby sleeping in the room from some future event.”
The weirdest part? The baby’s name is John Connor.
Heh. Just kidding. They never release the baby’s name.
If a time traveler could go back far enough to save me from seventh grade, I’d sure appreciate it. So if everybody would please print out this week’s FMF and bury it in a box in your yard or something, that would be great.
SCORE: Likely Story, Water Hazard, Suptid Crime.
RUNNING TOTAL: 12 FMF Points.
Recommended: Presto-Chango, See Which Democrat Attack Transforms Into ‘Republicans Pounce!’
BONUS ONLY IN FLORIDA HEADLINE: Florida Man finds iguana lurking in his toilet bowl.
Salt and Pepper and Battery
Cops Arrest Florida Man For Twice Striking Girlfriend In Face With A Steak
A Pinellas Park couple were having an argument last Sunday night, when Florida Woman got mad enough to lock Florida Man out of the house. As I understand it from reading many, many of these reports over the years, this is when Florida Man usually goes to a strip club and does something stupid and/or weird.
For reasons unknown, Florida Woman let him back in the house. Sometime later, Florida Man hit her twice in the face with a steak, “leaving seasoning from the steak on the victim’s cheek.”
The whole thing was caught on Florida Woman’s Ring camera, so there probably isn’t much hope for Florida Man, given his previous convictions for drugs and a DUI.
I’m just glad to know that the younger generation doesn’t go around assaulting one another with unseasoned meat.
SCORE: Caught on Video, Domestic Bliss, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Recidivism.
RUNNING TOTAL: 16 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Watch Him Flee in a Stolen Fire Truck
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Four scored stories with a total of 16 points for an average score of 4.0.
Maybe not the highest-scoring week ever but we did get a time traveler and a giant sparkly bunny.
I’m counting this week as one his better efforts.
Meanwhile, in Colorado…
Colorado Man tries to trade places with dog to avoid DUI arrest
Many years ago, I saw a comic on An Evening at the Improv who said that in case you ever get pulled over, always keep two things in the car: A pair of those novelty googly-eye glasses and a tape of the Twilight Zone theme music. As soon as you get pulled over, move over to the passenger seat, put on the glasses and the tape. When the cop looks in and sees the empty driver’s seat, say in a creepy voice, “I dunno, man, he was here a minute ago…”
Who knew Colorado Man would try that with his dog?
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…
