On this week’s Florida Man Friday, we have an embezzlement scheme gone hilariously wrong, the bank robber in need of Google Maps, and the curious case of the Scotsman’s backseat.
Let us begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man stole $5M to trade crypto and ‘meme stocks’
What would you do if you suddenly found yourself with an easy five million smackeroos? Don’t worry about exactly how you got it. Maybe you’re a master criminal. Maybe you found a lost wallet with $10 million in it, and the guy you returned it to let you keep half.
These things happen, I’m told. Not to me, mind you, but they happen.
Anyway, if I suddenly came across $5 million, the first thing I’d do is properly declare it as income and pay the appropriate taxes because it’s my understanding that government AI networks scan PJ Media on an hourly basis. But after that? I’m thinking muni bonds and a beach somewhere. I’d need to earn only enough interest to keep me in booze and waterskiing runs.
That’s not good enough for Florida Man, however. Having pilfered a cool five mil, Cooper Morgenthau — former chief financial officer of African Gold Acquisition Corporation (AGAC) — proceeded to “invest” his ill-gotten gains in crypto and meme stocks.
And he lost nearly every penny.
Morgenthau will serve three years for his brilliant boom-and-bust scheme.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: A record five “WTF Were You Even THINKING?” points.
TOTAL: 5 FMF Points.
It’s All in the Juxtaposition
Florida Man Driving Dos and Don’ts
That’s an actual screenshot from my Google News feed this morning, searching for Florida Man stories.
I’m just gonna go ahead and assume those aren’t the same Florida Man. Is that wrong?
No score on this one. Just thought I’d share with you how weird my job is some days.
But It Says ‘Wells Fargo’ Right There on the Sign!
Florida Man mistakenly tries to rob office building he thought was a bank
Florida Man got himself arrested in Lake County this week for trying to rob a Wells Fargo office.
Not a bank branch: an advisor’s office. With office workers and maybe some petty cash to pay for the K-cups and whatever.
Florida Man walked in with a knife and said he was going to rob this bank (which was not a bank). The office workers — generally being untrained for bank robberies — fled, locked themselves in a room with their coworkers, and called the police.
The report didn’t say if Florida Man was just hanging around, looking for a vault somewhere until the police arrived, or if he fled. Either way, you’ll be shocked to learn he has a lengthy record.
Exit Question: Who robs a bank with a knife?
SCORE: Stupid Crime, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Glamor Mugshot, Recidivism.
RUNNING TOTAL: 9 FMF Points.
Exclusively for Our VIPs: McDonalds Wants HOW Much for a Big Mac?
The Spanish Prisoner Goes to Florida
OkCupid scam cost Florida Man $480k
There’s an old con called “the Spanish Prisoner.” A victim of means is told of a wealthy man being unjustly held captive in Spain or wherever. If the mark can come up with the money to free him, he’ll receive an even bigger reward in return and (in some versions) the wealthy man’s beautiful daughter.
ASIDE: David Mamet made an excellent 1997 movie of the same name (and based on a similar premise) starring Steve Martin, Campbell Scott, Rebecca Pidgeon, and my personal fave, Ricky Jay. Highly recommended.
There’s no wealthy man being held prisoner, no reward, and no daughter.
Apparently, the Spanish Prisoner has made its way to the dating site OkCupid:
A man from Florida in the US recently reached out to Cybernews for help. Scammers had lured him into parting with $480,000 after cultivating a long-term relationship, eventually coaxing him into making cryptocurrency investments.
Usually involving fake romantic interest, the scheme is known as “cryptocurrency romance” or “CryptoRom.” This increasingly popular scam is often run by criminal gangs in Southeast Asia, where the affair is called “Sha Zhu Pan,” a Chinese phrase that means “pig butchering.”
Florida Man is out nearly half a million dollars, and you can bet there was never a young lady on the other end of his text messages.
Be careful out there.
SCORE: Domestic Bliss, Impersonation, Likely Story.
RUNNING TOTAL: 12 FMF Points.
No, No, No, No, a Thousand Times No
Florida Man in Excruciating Pain After Being Stung by ‘Cow Killer’ Ant
This actually happened in 2020, but it just went viral after Florida Man shared his experience of being stung by a “cow killer” velvet ant. You can’t see me, but right now but I’m scrubbing all of my skin with a Scotch-Brite pad.
Yes, all of it:
There are roughly 435 species of velvet ant in North America, with roughly 50 species in Florida alone, according to the University of Florida. These insects are parasitoids, meaning they lay their eggs on the defenseless pupae of other insects, which act as food for the wasp’s hatchlings when they emerge.
Because they lack wings to fly away from predators, velvet ants have developed a formidable sting, which ranks an impressive three out of four on the Schmitt Pain Scale for Stinging Insects.
Nothing that stings like that should be called velvet, unless we’re talking about Velvet Jones.
I’m going to go get a fresh Scotch-Brite.
SCORE: Giant Insect, Went Viral, plus a bonus “Things I Did Not Need to Know” point for a bug known as the cow-killer.
RUNNING TOTAL: 15 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: She Said, ‘You’ll Be a Dentist!’
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Four scored stories with a total of 15 points for a decent-but-not-great average of 3.75 points.
But it really isn’t about the points. It’s about somebody bringing me another Scotch-Brite pad because I’m all out.
Meanwhile, in Scotland…
Lamb found in back of car with £10,000 worth of heroin and cocaine
There’s an old expression: Never ask a Scotsman what he’s doing with a lamb, cocaine, and heroin in the backseat of his car.
And if there isn’t that old expression, there should be.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…
