On this week’s Florida Man Friday, we have the strange case of the itinerant dentist, something even better than a bitchin’ Camaro, and Michigan Man’s excellent forklift adventure.
Let us begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Danbury police arrest Florida Man running unlicensed dental practice in a hotel room
I’m really excited about this one because I haven’t had a freelance dentistry story for you in weeks. Also, I just coined a new word for drilling teeth without a license: Dentish.
You’re welcome, English Language.
So Florida Man was up in Connecticut and had with him, according to police, “drills, suction machines, a portable X-ray machine and numerous bottles of amoxicillin and other medications.” And I thought my wife packs heavy when we travel.
Police in Danbury responded to a report that Florida Man was using his room at a local La Quinta as kind of a pop-up dental office. According to the report, when police arrived at the hotel room, another man emerged from the bathroom — with his mouth full of gauze.
“Officer, I have never seen this man before in my life!” you can imagine Florida Man saying, gesturing wildly with a dental pick in his hand.
What I’d like to know is this: who called the police and what made them suspect someone of committing freelance dentistry? On second thought, how the hell did Florida Man think he could hide a dental office?
Among other things, Florida Man was charged with practicing without a license. But my thoughts go out to the man so desperate that he was willing to pay cash (presumably) to a guy with a dental office in a La Quinta.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Impersonation, Stupid Crime, Getting Caught Stupidly, WTF Were You Even THINKING? (for the guy with the mouth full of gauze).
RUNNING TOTAL: 4 FMF Points.
Make the Punishment Fit the Crime
Florida Man steals over $2.4K in Pokemon cards from Local Walmart
You know what I hate?
I hate it when some snobby clerk stops me on my way out of Walmart with $2,400 worth of stolen children’s trading cards on my person right after I’d been so clever about sneaking past all the cash registers and self-checkouts but then when I ran away they caught up with me again and wouldn’t even believe me when I told them I was just running to my car to get my wallet so I could pay for the Pokemon cards that I wasn’t actually stealing at all but then the police came and arrested me anyway.
Don’t you hate that, too?
SCORE: Walmart, Fleeing, Stupid Crime.
TOTAL: 7 FMF Points.
Just a quick note.
Florida Man Friday is usually just for our VIP subscribers but every now and then I like to open it up to everyone. If you’d like to support Florida Man and the more serious (but still fun!) stuff we do each and every day for our VIPs, please consider becoming a member right here — and use that lovely VODKAPUNDIT promo code for a seriously fun 25% discount.
And now, back to the genial silliness of Florida Man Friday.
Little Deuce WTF
Florida Man Spotted Driving Ford Crown Victoria Convertible
True story.
The car I learned to drive (at 14, in 1983) was a 1975 International Harvester Scout II SUV that my grandfather had picked up for next to nothing. The body was rusting out, but the engine was in good shape — a perfect little truck for driving around the Missouri boonies where we had a weekend place.
It would be a couple more years before I ever drove on a paved road, in part because the Scout had no tags.
At one point, someone in the family (not me!) decided what would be really fun would be to chop the top off and paint to camo. So we did.
Did you know the roof is part of the structure of a non-convertible, and that if you cut it off, eventually the car will start to sag in the middle? And by “eventually” I mean “very soon.”
Still, the War Wagon had nothing on Florida Man’s ride.
SCORE: 3 bonus points for Sheer Awesomeness.
RUNNING TOTAL: 10 FMF Points.
Recommended: Here’s a Great Idea: Just Move Disney World to Somewhere Better-Run… Like PUERTO RICO?
Is That a Milkshake on Your Head Or Are You Just Happy to See Me?
Florida Man Nabbed On Cocaine Rap Was Doused In Mystery Milky Substance
You know when you’re doing drugs outside a 7-11 in Orlando and you’re just feeling so good that maybe you dump a milkshake on your own head before you get arrested?
Me, either.
SCORE: Glamor Mugshot, Convenience Store, Drugs/Alcohol, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 14 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Me Tarzan, You Cop
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Four scored stories with a total of 14 points for an average of 3.5. While that’s a low-scoring week, between the freelance dentist and Milkshake Man, I was thoroughly entertained. Hope you were, too!
Meanwhile, in California…
California Man sentenced for forklift attack
In fairness to California Man, he seems to be a decent, hardworking family man who got a little caught up in the moment. But when that moment ends with dragging the guy you were fighting with onto a garage floor and then lowering a 32,000 pound forklift on him, almost killing him…
…then you have to know that a story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…
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