On this week’s Florida Man Friday, we have Florida’s best-ever (or at least most recent) Tarzan impersonator, assault with a deadly bar appetizer, and Michigan Man doing a real-life fish-slapping dance.
Let us begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Shirtless Florida Man found climbing tree ‘like Tarzan’ after police chase
Florida Man was minding his own business, enjoying a drive with Florida Woman, but without a license or a registered vehicle. When police attempted to pull him over, he (of course) refused to take the L and stomped on the gas — and the race was on!
When police used stop sticks to spoil Florida Man’s fun, he bravely fled from the law and from Florida Woman. They caught up with him fairly quickly, and he was “charged with resisting without violence, possession of paraphernalia, and a probation violation.”
It’s impressive that, armed with nothing but his wits and a childlike joy in the local flora, Florida Man was able to evade police for so long.
It took two hours and a K9 named Drako (because of course he was) to locate Florida Man “literally in a tree right now, trying to climb it like Tarzan.”
Police ordered Florida Man down: “When you drop, you’d better stay right where you’re at or that dog’s gonna bite you.”
He did not stick the landing. He did not stay put. He did get bit.
“How stupid are you?” asked one of the police as Florida Man was losing his pants but gaining a pair of handcuffs.
I think his impressive score will answer that question.
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Resisting, Fleeing the Scene, Drugs/Alcohol, Recidivism, Impersonating a Literary Figure.
TOTAL: 6 FMF Points.
Impressive. Most impressive.
Finally
@legbootlegit Here’s how Bugkiss was made, in case you want to do it 👄🪲 #diy #crafty #insects #bugs #howto
Florida Man creates device to ‘kiss’ bugs: ‘Wasp was scary, but thrilling’
In a TikTok video with 18 million views, each of them accompanied by a “WTF?”, Florida Man has built a device that allows him to kiss bugs.
We weren’t allowed to before. But now we are. Because Florida Man.
Um… thanks?
The Bugkiss device is a pair of baby doll lips attached to a pacifier with the spring from a retractable pen.
“The intended method to properly enjoy Bugkiss is to hold the silicone bite piece in your mouth, with the mini-lips pointing out in the direction of the bugs,” says its inventor, Justin. That’s in case you thought the lips were supposed to go in your mouth while you harassed some harmless moth or something with the attached pacifier.
Imagine a giant human face with fake baby doll lips coming at you, demanding affection. That’s the life of insects in Justin’s part of Florida.
SCORE: Three bonus points for WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 9 FMF Points.
‘Call the Police, We’ve Been Robbed!’ ‘We Are the Police’
Florida Man Broke Into Naples Police Station & Pooped On The Bathroom Floor
Ever get the urge to vandalize a police station and maybe dress up like a cop while you’re there?
I know I do, but it isn’t like I actually go and do it very often. When Florida Man gets the urge, here’s what he does:
- Jump the fence into the police station parking lot.
- Find an unlocked cruiser and hang out in there for a few.
- Move in closer, hide in the bushes.
- Find a hose, slip it under a door, turn it on, cause an inch of flood damage
- Sneak into the men’s locker room and take a shower because why not?
- Dress up like a cop, including the bulletproof vest.
- Sneak into the women’s dressing room and poop on the floor because… just because.
- Saunter over to the 7/11, still dressed like a cop.
- Hide from police in bushes.
- Get arrested hours after the break-in, having dropped wallet in the police cruiser from earlier
- Apply face to palm repeatedly, trying to remember any of this.
They say Florida Man was intoxicated at the time. My guess is that maybe he was so intoxicated that it’s impossible to know for sure whether he missed the toilet on purpose or by accident.
SCORE: Impersonation, Fleeing, Getting Caught Stupidly, Drugs/Alcohol, Convenience Store, Caught on Video, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 16 FMF Points.
Exclusively for Our VIPs: The Louisville Shooter’s Inconvenient Social Media Being Conveniently Scrubbed
We Duel with Pistols Chicken Wings at Dawn
Florida Man arrested after wife hit with flying chicken wings
“Flying chicken wings.” I see what the headline writer did there.
Ever been so mad at your spouse during an argument that you threw the nearest thing you had at her, even if it was covered in tasty Buffalo sauce that is going to stain the sofa — you know, the one you two spent weeks picking out, and the cushions are finally just right so that each of your bottoms settles right into your spots?
Maybe I’m reading too much into this one.
Anyway:
When officers arrived, they say the victim was holding a baby, and asked to be taken somewhere safe.
According to the suspect’s arrest report, the victim told police that, “the defendant and her had been arguing over the defendant having a ‘lover’”.
The victim said, “the defendant threw the wings at her, with some hitting her on her shoulder and under her chin,” the report stated.
Officers at the scene said they saw chicken wing sauce on the victim’s chin, neck and shoulder.
According to the arrest affidavit, there was an audio recording of this incident.
Florida Man Friday operates under the principle of presumption of innocence, even for the guy caught on video wearing a bulletproof vest and pooping in the police ladies’ locker room. So maybe — just maybe — those were some really good wings. Sit me down in front of a dozen from Culpeppers and it’s a sure thing I’m going to have sauce on my chin, neck, shoulder, left pants leg, and maybe even a small splotch on my forehead.
Don’t ask. Don’t judge. Me, I mean. You should definitely judge Florida Man.
SCORE: Domestic Bliss, Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Caught on Video Audio.
RUNNING TOTAL: 19 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Hey, Won’t You Play Another Somebody Done Somebody with a Machete Song
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Four scored stories with a total of 19 points for an impressive average of 4.8 points per story.
That’s my kinda FMF.
Meanwhile, in Michigan…
Michigan Man beats clerk with frozen fish after seafood counter closes early, cops say
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…
