On this week’s Florida Man Friday we have one man’s violent passion for karaoke, the curious case of the slippery burglar, and the worst police impersonator in all of Michigan.
But I’m not touching that Rebekah Jones story with a ten-foot gator. She looks to me like a crazy person who drove her kid crazy, and that’s just too tragic for this silly feature.
Let us begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man pulls out machete after bar refuses to let him sing another karaoke song
It’s Sunday night in Cape Canaveral and you’re downing a few drinks at a corner bar and belting out some tunes on the karaoke stage. I’m partial to “Rock Lobster” or “Love Shack.” I can’t sing but I can do a wicked Fred Schneider. Let’s keep that between us, OK?
Anyway, maybe you’ve had a few too many because when you ask to sing just one more song, the karaoke guy says it’s time to give someone else a turn. If you’re like me, this is when you stumble a bit getting off the stage before returning to your drink.
I’m kidding, of course: My drink comes up on stage with me, like Sinatra did it.
But this is Florida, so of course Florida Man, apparently mistaking himself for Danny Trejo’s “Machete,” pulled out an 18-inch machete to make it known that he really wanted to do another number, maybe “Kokomo.”
Fun Fact: Did you know that Floridans carry more machetes per capita into karaoke bars than the residents of any other state? It’s true, maybe!
According to the report, one bar employee told deputies that “everyone started freaking out.”
I’ve been in one or two not-so-peaceful situations and managed to keep my cool. But if there’s a madman with an 18-inch machete demanding to sing “My Way,” I might freak out, too. Thankfully, there was one woman who politely asked Florida Man to hand over the machete before someone got hurt and, eventually, he did.
Whew.
Florida Man later told deputies that he was carrying the machete — where? — and needed to “stay alert” because he’d been threatened a couple days before. I think we can all agree that there’s no better way to stay alert than with a half-dozen scotch-and-sodas and a couple rounds of Zac Brown’s “Chicken Fried.”
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Weapon (Preferably Unusual), Drugs/Alcohol, Likely Story, Face/Neck Tattoos, and a bonus Sheer Awesomeness point to Florida Woman for defusing the situation.
TOTAL: 5 FMF Points.
Everybody Needs a Hobby
Naked, greased-up Florida Man accused of breaking into 2 homes, jumping in pool
It’s Friday night in Florida and you know what that means: Time to strip down, grease up, and commit some burglaries.
As one does.
Florida Man had (allegedly!) broken into one house when a neighbor called the police. He was busy naked-burgling another house when the police showed up. Florida Man fled the scene, jumped into a pool, and after climbing out, jumped on a trampoline.
I do believe his escape was choreographed by Tex Avery.
“The sheriff’s office said it took four deputies to get custody of [Florida Man],” according to Click Orlando, “who kicked or hit the deputies.”
If you’re now stuck with the image of a greasy man jumping naked on a trampoline, I’m not going to apologize. If I have to deal with this stuff for your entertainment, then so you do.
Florida Man was “covered in wheel-bearing grease, peppermint oil and blood” and it took “three medical professionals to secure him on a stretcher.”
He’s suspected of being on drugs. All of them, I’d wager.
SCORE: Public Nudity, Fleeing the Scene, Resisting, Drugs/Alcohol, Water Hazard, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 11 FMF Points.
She Drives Me Crazy
Florida Woman Crashes Rolls-Royce Dawn Into $3M Statue, Has No Memory Of Accident
My dad liked women. A lot. After the divorce, as a good-looking thirtysomething executive in the ’70s… let’s just say he was in the Premier League for serial monogamists. Still, on certain subjects he was a bit of an old-school chauvinist. Any time we drove past an auto wrecking yard, he couldn’t resist saying, “Ah, the ladies’ parking lot.”
Yes, even when one of his girlfriends was with us.
Stories like this one are why:
Florida Woman drove through the driveway, made contact with a curb, and drove across the lawn. Along the way, she hit a statue that the owners of the property claim is worth $3 million. She continued on, and broke through what appears to be a concrete landscaping fence and over a retaining wall, onto a beach.
She’s fine but claims to have no memory of the incident or what led up to it. So let’s hope she’s fine upstairs, too, if you know what I mean.
Still, did she have to crash a Rolls convertible?
SCORE: Vehicular Madness times three.
RUNNING TOTAL: 14 FMF Points.
Exclusively for Our VIPs: You Don’t Need a Study to Know That Pets Are Good for Your Kids’ Health
When Florida Man Heads North
Florida Man leads Pennsylvania police on chase in stolen school bus
The only stories I enjoy almost as much as one where the perp steals a police car is one where they steal and/or try to escape in a vehicle unlikely to to get anywhere quickly.
We’ve seen Florida Man flee on scooters, golf carts, and even a forklift. And now, a school bus:
Police said on Tuesday morning they received calls about a school bus that had been reported stolen in Abbottstown, Pennsylvania. Officers later spotted a school bus driving through the parking lot of Giant Foods and Rite Aid and saw that the lights on the bus were turning on and off, police said.
Officers caught up with the bus and tried to pull it over, but it immediately pulled away and continued to wind in and out of highway lanes, according to police.
At one point, Saunders exited the highway, drove over a berm and nearly flipped the bus, police said.
Evil Knievel never flipped a school bus, but I bet he had that on his bucket list.
But wait. It gets weirder.
Florida Man stripped his clothes as he ran through parking lots before he was caught nude by police, according to the release.
The 25-year-old admitted to taking the bus after he crashed a BMW, police said. He also told police he put a dead deer in the back of the bus and planned on driving its corpse to his house to use as fertilizer for his garden.
I have so many questions but none I actually want answered.
SCORE: Vehicular Madness, Resisting, Public Nudity, Wild Animals, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 19 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: The Burglary Story Guaranteed to Make Your Skin Itch
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Four scored stories, 19 points, and a lovely average of 4.8 points per story.
Well done, Florida Man — you really couldn’t have done it without all the unnecessary public nudity.
Meanwhile, in Michigan…
Teen BMW Driver Pretending To Be A Cop Pulled Over A Real Off-Duty Police Officer
Of all the gin joints in all the world…
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…
