On this week’s Florida Man Friday, we have a bomb threat with extra cheese, the trespasser with a shiny rear end, and a California Man just dying to prove his state is even crazier than Florida.
Let us begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man threatened to bomb Papa John’s while ordering pizza
You know what I hate?
I hate it when I get in an argument on the phone with the pizza delivery place, and then after I call them back to threaten to blow up the place, the police come to my house, so I try to pass off someone else’s cellphone as my own, but the police don’t believe it even after I hid my actual phone in a piece of furniture, and my own wife rats to the police what my phone number is, and then I get arrested for a bunch of stuff, including resisting arrest.
Don’t you?
As always, one point is awarded in each category except when I say so.
SCORE: Getting Caught Stupidly, Likely Story (new category!), Domestic Bliss, Impersonation, Resisting Arrest.
TOTAL: 5 FMF Points.
When Ya Gotta Go…
Florida sheriff looking for ‘spring break squatter’ caught on home surveillance showing ‘shiny rear end’
It’s always a pleasure to hear from Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd.
“Guess what,” he told Polk County residents. “We have trespassing. Not traditional trespassing. It involves a lady*… who popped a squat and showed us her shiny rear end while she goes to the bathroom.”
Take a pass on viewing the police lineup.
*Lady. Heh.
SCORE: Public Nudity, Caught on Video, Someone’s Bottom Area (I introduced this category last week as a joke, never expecting to use it again), Tourist Who Just Can’t Handle It.
RUNNING TOTAL: 9 FMF Points.
‘An Itchy Situation’
Florida Man hides in insulation debris to evade arrest for alleged burglary
Florida Man was minding his own business, innocently robbing a home in North Fort Myers, when for some reason, the police showed up. I don’t know what you’d do in a situation like that, but Florida Man tried to hide in the attic.
Under a pile of insulation, as you can see in the Lee County Sheriff’s Office photo above.
I’m feeling itchy all over just thinking about it. And can you imagine breathing through a pile of that stuff?
But it gets worse.
Police could hear commotion going on in the attic so when Florida Man refused to come down, “deputies used non-lethal gas to try to flush him out.” But even that didn’t work. They ended up having to climb up into the attic with a K-9 unit.
SCORE: Should Have Taken the L, Recidivism, Resisting, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 13 FMF Points.
Exclusively for Our VIPs: Is GenX the Last Generation of Americans?
He’s Got a License to Drive
Florida Man passed out behind wheel tells deputies he smoked Oxycodone for ankle pain
Is there any such thing as a routine traffic stop in Hernando County?
Sure there is. But the odds go way down when deputies check in on a car that’s already stopped because the driver is passed out behind the wheel, gun in his lap, surrounded by various drugs (pretty much all of them) and drug paraphernalia. Oh, and there was a trailer hitched up and the car was still running — and in Drive.
Florida Man told the deputies he’d been smoking oxy to help deal with his ankle pain.
At that point, could he even find his ankles?
SCORE: Glamour Mugshot, Likely Story, Drugs/Alcohol, Vehicular Madness, Recidivism, Weapon (Preferably Unusual).
RUNNING TOTAL: 19 FMF Points.
A Bridge Too Far
Florida Man Held On To A Drawbridge For Dear Life As It Raised To Let Boats Go By
Just watch the clip for the full story.
SCORE: Went Viral, Caught on Video, Fleeing the Scene, WTF Were You Even THINKING?
RUNNING TOTAL: 23 FMF Points.
Previously on Florida Man Friday: Ever Dance With the Devil in the Pale Security Video Light?
So How Did Florida Man Do This Week?
Five scored stories for a total of 23 FMF points and a high average of 4.6 per story.
Well done, for both the high score and the level of absurdity.
Meanwhile, in California…
California Man dies after leaping from stolen CHP cruiser during chase in Antelope Valley
On the one hand, this column is too breezy to include stories where anyone died or was seriously injured. On the other, you know my favorite stories involve stolen police cars.
So you can imagine the conundrum here.
California Man stole a police cruiser and then, for reasons only he understood — and only for a very brief time — he decided to exit the cruiser while driving at high speed.
You know what happened next.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…
