That’s right: I’m bringing Florida Man Friday out of retirement with a Special Bonus Monkeys Edition.
It’s difficult to sum up a week’s worth of Florida Man (and Woman) adventures without at least one story involving a gator or an iguana.
But this week I stumbled across not one but THREE Florida Monkey stories, and I can’t wait to share them.
Intrigued? I know I was, so let’s not waste one more moment before getting to another thrilling episode of …
Florida Man Friday!
Let us begin as we always do with …
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
DOUBLE BOGEY: Watch as a man crashes into a pond while leading deputies on a chase through a golf course in central Florida.
Full video here: https://t.co/rMcChruIWq pic.twitter.com/ciuHDEcVCN— WPEC CBS12 News (@CBS12) March 4, 2022
A classic Florida Man story involves at least two of the following elements:
- A police chase
- Drugs/Alcohol
- Vehicular madness
- A water hazard of some kind
- Wild animals
- Corrupt officials
- Public nudity
- Resisting arrest
- Golf
Yes, golf.
So here we have Florida Man trying to escape a police stop, but instead leading the police on a chase through a golf course, ending only when he drives his car into a pond. Where he then tried to hide.
The best part? Florida Man told police that he fled because he thought there was a warrant out for his arrest, but police couldn’t find one.
I’ve missed Florida Man Friday.
The Return of Florida Iguana Monkey Madness
Florida woman arrested for selling monkey that attacked teen girl
It’s a lovely tale of a mother and daughter who journeyed to Florida to purchase a monkey — because who amongst us has not had that dream? — for the princely sum of $9,500.
Florida Woman had several monkeys to choose from, and the mother and daughter eventually settled on a friendly-seeming capuchin.
Florida Woman apparently did not have any kind of papers or license, but that proved no impediment to our intrepid purchasers … until later:
The mother and teen left with the monkey anyway after giving Newberger the $9,500, but later returned to ask for a refund and give the capuchin back to Newberger.
I guess they had second thoughts about buying an un-papered monkey from an unlicensed Florida Woman.
First thoughts would have been better:
According to the affidavit, Newberger agreed to give them back $9,000.
When the 15-year-old girl went to pet the monkey “and say goodbye” it bit her finger, causing an infection that led to hospitalization, the affidavit said.
Lesson learned: never tell a monkey goodbye.
Ye, Um, Haw?
Might have to embrace my inner Florida Man Energy 😂😂😂 pic.twitter.com/6j6Ht0zufT
— Uncle Iroh (@Kurtdiesal) March 4, 2022
You can ride a gator to water but you can’t make him … never mind. I don’t want to know what Florida Man had in mind.
Did the Monkey Get Carded?
Guys, I want to debunk the Floridaman stereotype… I really fucking do
But here we are… pic.twitter.com/LIjfU1yeuT
— ☠Captain Big D ☠ (@DespicableD_) March 3, 2022
When I go to Florida, it’s usually to a beach resort or a conference. As a result, I never get to see Florida Man and his monkey buying stuff at a convenience store.
How about you?
Global Thermonuclear… Speeding
WATCH: Florida man pulled over for speeding blames Vladimir Putin.
“I just found out that Putin just said he’s gonna launch nuclear thermal war against the world and I was trying to get back to my house to find out what’s going on.” pic.twitter.com/Mes5clWsVU
— Breaking911 (@Breaking911) March 2, 2022
Florida Man, thy name is Chutzpah.
They Told Her No More Meth Unless You Bring Enough for Everybody
‘Enough to kill a small city’: Florida woman caught with enough fentanyl to kill 26K people
If we’re being serious here for just a moment, that stuff scares the crap out of me.
The Most Florida Headline Ever (This Week)
Florida Man believed to be violent fugitive from Costa Rica resigns City Council seat after shoplifting accusation
This probably makes me a bad blogger, but the headline was so good that I didn’t even read the story.
Seriously, Don’t Try This at Home Or Anywhere Else
Man accused of stealing crossbow by shoving it down his pants
“I swear, I was cleaning it and it just went off.”
Wait, Wrong Lizard!
Zoo Crocodile Escapes Transport Van, Runs Across Florida Highway
What is it with the wildlife in Florida this week?
You’re used to seeing gators everywhere and mosquitos the size of Apache attack helicopters (but more aggressive). But now we have an escaped crocodile:
A naughty crocodile went for a joy run Tuesday when he escaped from a transport van and fled on foot across a busy highway.
Zoo personnel from the St. Augustine Alligator Farm Zoological Park in Florida were making the last run of the day transporting crocodilian species to a new zoo habitat, when a particularly active croc made a run for it.
General curator Gen Anderson said she and reptile keeper Karsyn McCreedy were taking a quick trip up the road with four crocodilian species in the back of their van when the unexpected incident took place.
Unexpected, really? This is Florida, man.
Or Maybe This Is the Most Florida Headline Ever (This Week)
Florida Man breaks beer bottle over his head, gets shot by deputy who thought sound was gunshot
Don’t try this at home:
Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd said deputies were trying to arrest Matthew Correa, 27, when it happened, as he was a suspect in a series of crimes, including an armed robbery. Correa was in a pickup when he stood up through the sunroof with a rifle in one hand and a bottle of Busch Light in the other. He then broke the bottle over his head.
“The sergeant who was behind Correa and unable to see the bottle, heard the popping noise and believed Correa had shot at his deputies,” the sheriff’s office said in a news release. “The sergeant fired one shot at Correa, striking him in the neck.”
Correa was taken to a hospital with injuries that were not believed to be life threatening. No deputies were injured, the agency reported.
I’ve read a lot of Florida Man stories over the years, most of which didn’t make the cut to be seen on Florida Man Friday. But I have never before seen Florida Man smash himself on the head during his arrest.
Before? Sure, practically required.
After? If it’s a particularly good arrest.
During? We have a new winner.
Yes, You Need a License for That
Florida Man Known As “The Monkey Whisperer” Pleads Guilty To Federal Charges For Trafficking Protected Primates
Not much to tell here, really. I just wanted to get in a plug for a guy calling himself the Monkey Whisperer.
Are You Lonesome Tonight?
Florida Woman arrested after trying to steal personal massager from Walmart
Seriously, you guys, she thought it was a neck massager.
Recommended: Trump’s Truth Social Finally Is Up and Running, But What’s There to Do?
Meanwhile, in Virginia…
Virginia sheriff’s office praises goat for assistance in chasing suspect
Virginia Man, you just got caught by goat-wielding police; prison is not going to be an easy place for you.
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of …
