Insanity Wrap needs to know: Why hasn’t the press asked the president if his ice cream represents white supremacy?
Answer: Sorry, we forgot Donald Trump is no longer the president.
Before we get to the sordid details, a quick preview of today’s Wrap.
- Beauty only goes skin deep, but ugly is a marketing campaign
- It was a dark and stormy speech
- The government will tell you whether you’re independent enough to celebrate Independence Day
And so much more.
Shall we begin?
This Is Not a Sane World, Exhibit #1,000,006
Unilever just announced it’s removing the word ‘normal’ from all products to ‘champion a new era of beauty which is equitable and inclusive.’
The thing about beauty is that it’s neither equitable nor inclusive, although beautiful people can be. In fact, we normals tend to think more highly of beautiful people who don’t let their inequitable and non-inclusive looks go to their heads.
There’s nothing “normal” about people who both look graceful and act graceful — and thank goodness for that.
But Insanity Wrap is probably reading too much into a graceless marketing decision.
Unilever certainly understands that in today’s culture, nobody wants to admit to being normal.
We’re all special. Somehow. So we can’t go around using some face soap that says “For Normal Skin” on the label.
Your Daily Dose of Mostly Peaceful Protest
— Andy Ngô (@MrAndyNgo) March 12, 2021
You wanted an insurrection, Democrats — well, you’ve had several in your own cities for almost a year now.
Care to do anything about that?
We thought not.
The Craziest Person in the World (Today)
Insanity Wrap tried to watch the speech, we really did.
But President Porchlight’s barking delivery, his content’s dark tone, and those lifeless doll eyes…
…the Creep Factor was up to 11, and that’s without the presidentish doing any inappropriate hair-sniffing.
So today’s craziest person in the world is anyone who managed to watch the thing, although we do admire your fortitude.
Your Daily Dose of Mandated Unity
As God is our witness we’ll never lose sleep over racist ice creams again.
An ice cream brand called Brigham’s Ice Cream quietly changed the name of one of its flavours after social media outrage over the use of a topping called “jimmies.” The woke-o-haram took offence at the term over its potentially racist origins.
Started in New England in 1914, Brigham’s Ice Cream previously included a flavour called “Just Jimmies.” It changed the flavour name to “Just Sprinkles” at some point in 2020.
Insanity Wrap would like to present a short list of genuinely offensive ice creams:
- Brownie Battered Spouse
- Fairy Queen
- Dolce de Lecher
- Mint COVID Chip
- Ben & Jerry & Hitler’s
- Rocky Road Rage
Insanity Wrap hopes that clears things up for you and for the confused folks at Brigham’s.
And Now For a Brief Moment of Sanity
These "fact checks" feel more juvenile and petty every day. Trump only left office months ago. How in the hell do you need to FACT CHECK something that literally just happened in front of all of us? And why do you need the "but"? Fact or no? That's it. https://t.co/ggM12X4sJl
— Kira (@RealKiraDavis) March 12, 2021
Kira Davis has long been one of Insanity Wrap’s go-to people when we need a little sanity, and today is no exception.
Fact-checking the fact-checkers could become a full-time job for every single unemployed person in this nation, and still have a backlog of fact-checks in need of a good fact-check after putting in a full year of 60-hour workweeks.
GTFO Like Cornwallis After Yorktown
Wait, what? ‘We need everyone to get vaccinated…and keep wearing the mask.’ Why? If everyone is vaccinated why wear a mask? By this metric when are we ever to stop wearing masks? What science did Biden link to this bizarre demand?
— Dr Naomi Wolf (@naomirwolf) March 12, 2021
President Porchlight has his opinion and we have ours. Let him try to enforce his.
We Interrupt This Panic-Mongering…
Jim Geraghty reports the latest COVID-19 facts and figures, for those shrinking numbers of us who still care about such things.
The U.S has generally done a good job of vaccinating the most vulnerable first: 25.5 percent of all doses administered have gone to those over 75; 53.5 percent have gone to those over age 64, and 73.5 percent have gone to those over age 50. (And America has plenty of people under age 50 who have conditions that put them at higher risk for serious complications from COVID-19.)
Thankfully, we’re already seeing results. Our seven-day rolling average of daily new deaths hasn’t been this low since November. The week of December 20, the U.S. had more than 33,000 cases of COVID-19 in nursing homes, and more than 6,000 deaths. The week of February 28, we had just 1,463 cases and 763 deaths.
Insanity Wrap understands that promising news, reported in a just-the-facts-ma’am style, doesn’t generate the hate-clicks and Twitter hot-takes beloved by more respectable outlets like the New York Times, GQ, or the Weekly World News.
But it does the soul a lot of good to read it, yes?
Here’s Another Damn Thing We’re Supposed to Be Concerned About
***Attention Wayne Hills Residents***
Please stop throwing beer bottles at the drones. They are property of Portsmouth Police Department and they run surveillance on the property for your protection. We repeat, STOP KNOCKING DOWN OUR ANTI-DRUG ACTIVITY DRONES! pic.twitter.com/QaCUl6mDeM
— RWLatstetter (@latstetter) March 11, 2021
Insanity Wrap was unable to verify whether this is real or spoof, but we’re sitting here practically vibrating at the prospect that it might be real.
One More Thing…
That’s a Wrap for today.
Come back tomorrow for another Insanity Wrap…
…assuming we make it that long.
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