Gather ’round the fire made by all these burning copies of the Constitution, and forget the winter of your discontent on the biggest-ever…
Florida Man Friday!
Let us begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Florida Man accused of sex crimes cuts ankle monitor, starts GoFundMe to flee country
When I first saw this headline in a Twitter link, my fakenewsdar went “PING!”
But as it turns out, the link went to a legitimate major media news site, assuming that’s still a thing.
For his part, Florida Man is too legit to quit:
Keith Morris Smith Jr., 29, is wanted in Clay County for violating the conditions of his release. Deputies say Smith bonded out of the Clay County Jail and cut off his ankle monitor.
Smith was initially arrested in December of 2019 on multiple charges, including committing a sex crime on a person aged 12 to 16, deputies say. Now, Smith is asking for help from the public in fleeing from the country.
Smith started a GoFundMe fundraiser entitled “Trying to be free” under the Dreams, Hopes & Wishes category of the website. He set his donation goal at $2,000.
Is Florida Man guilty? Innocent? Somewhere in between?
What we do know for sure is that Florida Man has enough nerve to set up a FleeTheCountry GoFundMe, yet has no idea that he’s not going to get very far on $2,000.
Excuse Me While I Get Serious for a Moment
Some of those who survived the Holocaust are still able to share their stories. #CBS4's @Jvallejotv spoke with one South Florida woman who escaped the Nazis, spending years on the run. https://t.co/YAmrMd3CY3
— CBS4 Miami (@CBSMiami) January 28, 2021
Please take a few minutes this weekend to read Ruthmarie Goerke-Matthysse’s account of the Holocaust.
That is all.
Now back to the usual absurdities.
Florida Congressman, Funny Man
BREAKING: Hunter Biden expected to lead DEA
— Rep. Anthony Sabatini (@AnthonySabatini) January 25, 2021
Funny, but honestly, I’d like to see this happen.
Usually, the government tries to hide its corruption. Badly, like my younger son covered in frosting claiming he’s been nowhere near the cupcakes, but still.
Wouldn’t it be nice for once just to take a caught-on-camera cokehead and put him in charge of drug enforcement?
No Good Deed Will Go Unpunished
Florida Woman Instantly Regrets Feeding Stray Kitten When She Gets Slapped With $50K Hospital Bill
The $50k was mostly for a rabies prevention treatment that usually goes for $3k.
Getting Involved in the Neighborhood, Fabulously
Dressed in drag, Florida Man addresses neighborhood’s traffic issue
You never know who will prove to be The One:
Neighbors in Durbin Crossing said that for about five years they were trying to get something done about parents parking their cars in the neighborhood during school pickup at Creekside High to avoid a long line.
It wasn’t until Spar-Kelly took action that something happened.
“I made my sign and got dressed up and people noticed,” Spar-Kelly said. “Finally, people noticed.”
There’s a situation just like that at an elementary school just a few minutes from me, and it’s a wonder with the huge lineup of cars on a street with little shoulder — and lots of young pedestrians — that no one has gotten hurt.
So: Bravo, Florida Man.
Whatever your preferred salute is, it’s meant here whole-heartedly.
News Brief: Only in Florida
- Florida Man was counterfeiting currency while already on federal probation
- Deputy catches Florida Woman snorting cocaine at gas pump (In all fairness, I get bored pumping gas, too)
- Florida Man steals tow truck in act of revenge
And now, back to our regularly scheduled news.
Previously On Florida Man Friday: Unforgettable Anti-Mask Bagel Shop Outrage Video
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Florida Man who lost everything in fire, helps rescue child injured in car accident
“I was actually under my trailer with a flashlight digging for my wallet or whatever I could find and I heard this crash,” Warren Gill told WCTV.
Gill ran to the road, where he saw three cars involved in an accident around 7 p.m. Sunday. He checked on the occupants in the vehicles. At first, he was relieved to see the empty child seat in one of the vehicles, until he heard a child’s cry from beneath the front seat. He yelled for help from others who had gathered at the scene.
“I don’t know who it was, but he was able to lift the guy up who was in there just enough for me to slide up around him and go under the seat and pull this child out,” Gill said. “All I could think about was this poor kid. It was a life-changing thing.”
I can’t help but think that if I were digging through the rubble of what used to be my house, I’d be so self-absorbed that I wouldn’t notice the Apocalypse if it broke out just then.
So once again: Bravo, Florida Man.
(Florida) Woman Driver
Florida Woman charged with attempted murder after hitting Manatee Co. deputy with stolen car
I only poked fun in the headline because the deputy is going to be OK, but I have to warn you that there’s a not-easy-to-watch moment in this clip.
Everyone Needs a Hobby
Video shows Florida Man wearing garbage bags torch Waste Pro trucks
I know what you’re thinking.
Actually, I know what I’m thinking but I’m crediting it to you because I’m a giver.
“If you simply must set fire to Waste Pro garbage trucks, do you really want to be wearing something flammable and melty while doing it?”
The answer for Florida Man is always an enthusiastic YES!
Meanwhile, in Malawi…
Man Dies During Sex, ‘Extreme Orgasm’ Was The Apparent Cause Of Death
Moving right along…
Meanwhile, in Virginia…
Virginia man pleads guilty to spending $2.5M PPP loan on Lexus, private jet
It isn’t that I’m condoning fraud.
But I am at a loss to explain how spending $2.5 million in stimulus funds on a nice car and a jet is less stimulating than spending $600 on a new Xbox.
I mean, these things happen, right?
Meanwhile, in Colorado…
Colorado man wanted by Putnam County deputies in connection with machete attack
Finishing up as I always do of late with an item from my increasingly nutty home state:
Law enforcement in Putnam County are asking the public to help find a Colorado man wanted in connection with a machete attack in Fillmore.
Deputies said Stephen Taplin, 39, of Colorado, fled the Fillmore area around 7:50 a.m. Friday morning.
Taplin was last seen wearing a T-shirt and jeans and wielding a machete.
But wait for the kicker: “He was reportedly driving a blue or gray Toyota Sienna minivan with Florida license plates.”
Florida Man? Colorado Man? These days, who can tell the difference?
Exit Question: What kind of machete-wielding maniac drives a Sienna minivan?