Culture

Florida Man Friday: The Inspiring Drag Queen Who Saved the Neighborhood

(Screencap courtesy of News4Jax.)

Gather ’round the fire made by all these burning copies of the Constitution, and forget the winter of your discontent on the biggest-ever…

Florida Man Friday!

Let us begin as we always do with…

The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)

Florida Man Friday Sex Offender
(Images via social media, local authorities.)
Florida Man accused of sex crimes cuts ankle monitor, starts GoFundMe to flee country

When I first saw this headline in a Twitter link, my fakenewsdar went “PING!”

But as it turns out, the link went to a legitimate major media news site, assuming that’s still a thing.

For his part, Florida Man is too legit to quit:

Keith Morris Smith Jr., 29, is wanted in Clay County for violating the conditions of his release. Deputies say Smith bonded out of the Clay County Jail and cut off his ankle monitor.

Smith was initially arrested in December of 2019 on multiple charges, including committing a sex crime on a person aged 12 to 16, deputies say. Now, Smith is asking for help from the public in fleeing from the country.

Smith started a GoFundMe fundraiser entitled “Trying to be free” under the Dreams, Hopes & Wishes category of the website. He set his donation goal at $2,000.

Is Florida Man guilty? Innocent? Somewhere in between?

Who knows!

What we do know for sure is that Florida Man has enough nerve to set up a FleeTheCountry GoFundMe, yet has no idea that he’s not going to get very far on $2,000.

Excuse Me While I Get Serious for a Moment

Please take a few minutes this weekend to read Ruthmarie Goerke-Matthysse’s account of the Holocaust.

That is all.

Now back to the usual absurdities.

Florida Congressman, Funny Man

Funny, but honestly, I’d like to see this happen.

Usually, the government tries to hide its corruption. Badly, like my younger son covered in frosting claiming he’s been nowhere near the cupcakes, but still.

Wouldn’t it be nice for once just to take a caught-on-camera cokehead and put him in charge of drug enforcement?

No Good Deed Will Go Unpunished

Florida Woman's Nemesis
(Image by Yolanda Coervers from Pixabay.)
Florida Woman Instantly Regrets Feeding Stray Kitten When She Gets Slapped With $50K Hospital Bill

The $50k was mostly for a rabies prevention treatment that usually goes for $3k.

Getting Involved in the Neighborhood, Fabulously

Dressed in drag, Florida Man addresses neighborhood’s traffic issue

You never know who will prove to be The One:

Neighbors in Durbin Crossing said that for about five years they were trying to get something done about parents parking their cars in the neighborhood during school pickup at Creekside High to avoid a long line.

It wasn’t until Spar-Kelly took action that something happened.

“I made my sign and got dressed up and people noticed,” Spar-Kelly said. “Finally, people noticed.”

There’s a situation just like that at an elementary school just a few minutes from me, and it’s a wonder with the huge lineup of cars on a street with little shoulder — and lots of young pedestrians — that no one has gotten hurt.

So: Bravo, Florida Man.

Er… brava?

Whatever your preferred salute is, it’s meant here whole-heartedly.

News Brief: Only in Florida

And now, back to our regularly scheduled news.

Previously On Florida Man Friday: Unforgettable Anti-Mask Bagel Shop Outrage Video

Not All Heroes Wear Capes

Florida Ma Rescues Boys
(Image by 🎄Merry Christmas 🎄 from Pixabay.)
Florida Man who lost everything in fire, helps rescue child injured in car accident

Wow:

“I was actually under my trailer with a flashlight digging for my wallet or whatever I could find and I heard this crash,” Warren Gill told WCTV.

Gill ran to the road, where he saw three cars involved in an accident around 7 p.m. Sunday. He checked on the occupants in the vehicles. At first, he was relieved to see the empty child seat in one of the vehicles, until he heard a child’s cry from beneath the front seat. He yelled for help from others who had gathered at the scene.

“I don’t know who it was, but he was able to lift the guy up who was in there just enough for me to slide up around him and go under the seat and pull this child out,” Gill said. “All I could think about was this poor kid. It was a life-changing thing.”

I can’t help but think that if I were digging through the rubble of what used to be my house, I’d be so self-absorbed that I wouldn’t notice the Apocalypse if it broke out just then.

So once again: Bravo, Florida Man.

(Florida) Woman Driver

Florida Woman charged with attempted murder after hitting Manatee Co. deputy with stolen car

I only poked fun in the headline because the deputy is going to be OK, but I have to warn you that there’s a not-easy-to-watch moment in this clip.

Everyone Needs a Hobby

Video shows Florida Man wearing garbage bags torch Waste Pro trucks

I know what you’re thinking.

Actually, I know what I’m thinking but I’m crediting it to you because I’m a giver.

“If you simply must set fire to Waste Pro garbage trucks, do you really want to be wearing something flammable and melty while doing it?”

The answer for Florida Man is always an enthusiastic YES!

Meanwhile, in Malawi…

Man Dies from Extreme Orgasm
(Image by Rudy Anderson from Pixabay.)
Man Dies During Sex, ‘Extreme Orgasm’ Was The Apparent Cause Of Death

Moving right along…

Meanwhile, in Virginia…

Covid Relief
Image by kalhh from Pixabay
Virginia man pleads guilty to spending $2.5M PPP loan on Lexus, private jet

It isn’t that I’m condoning fraud.

But I am at a loss to explain how spending $2.5 million in stimulus funds on a nice car and a jet is less stimulating than spending $600 on a new Xbox.

I mean, these things happen, right?

Meanwhile, in Colorado…

(Image by CESAR AUGUSTO RAMIREZ VALLEJO from Pixabay.)
Colorado man wanted by Putnam County deputies in connection with machete attack

Finishing up as I always do of late with an item from my increasingly nutty home state:

Law enforcement in Putnam County are asking the public to help find a Colorado man wanted in connection with a machete attack in Fillmore.

Deputies said Stephen Taplin, 39, of Colorado, fled the Fillmore area around 7:50 a.m. Friday morning.

Taplin was last seen wearing a T-shirt and jeans and wielding a machete.

But wait for the kicker: “He was reportedly driving a blue or gray Toyota Sienna minivan with Florida license plates.”

Florida Man? Colorado Man? These days, who can tell the difference?

Exit Question: What kind of machete-wielding maniac drives a Sienna minivan?

Previously On Florida Man Friday: Hilarious — Florida Man Loses His Crown to Colorado Man