Whether it's Judge Smails losing a fortune to Ty and Danny on the Bushwood Country Club's 18th hole, Capt. Stillman getting reassigned to a miserable Army post in the Arctic, or Walter Peck practically drowning in the exploded remains of a giant Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, there's hardly anything Americans enjoy more than seeing an officious prig getting taken down a notch or two.
Preferably three.
Do I hear four?
Sorry for the nostalgic, longwinded, and seemingly off-topic intro, but I just spent four days talking classic comedies with my good friend Stephen Kruiser — and the only reason I didn't work in an Animal House reference is that Neidermeyer's fate was just a bit too dark for the spirit of this morning's column.
"And what is this morning's column about?" you might fairly ask, now that we're more than 100 words into it already.
CNN newsweasel Jake Tapper's latest humiliation.
You're welcome, America.
Tapper on Sunday interviewed Texas Gov. Greg Abbott about his state's midterm redistricting effort. The special redistricting session is currently on hold after several Democrat assemblypersons bravely turned and fled to Illinois and other deep blue states, rather than stay at home and do the jobs their constituents elected them to do.
According to Abbott, they face $500-a-day fines and possible felony bribery charges (if they accept money to keep them on the run).
Texas House Speaker Dustin Burrow is doing his bit. According to Burrow, absent Dems will have their office budgets slashed by 30%, won't receive their customary special session per diem, and will have to show up in person at the state capitol building to collect their paychecks. "While the Constitution forbids us from withholding pay, it does not dictate how we issue the pay," Burrows explained last week.
No direct deposit for you, Brave Sir Robin.
But again, I digress. It's just that I get excited when I see elected officials acting like spoiled crybabies being treated as spoiled crybabies ought to be treated.
So Tapper tried to trip Abbott up as a hypocrite for his threat to remove Democrats from office, but not a certain Republican. But the hypocrisy charge holds less water than my right hand on Scotch Night.
Abbott explained in a press release last week that fleeing "amounts to an abandonment or forfeiture of an elected state office. When the Governor calls a Special Session, our Constitution provides that the 'Legislature shall meet.' TEX. CONST. art. III, § 5 (emphasis added). It’s not optional. It’s a duty."
So clearly there is at least some basis for Abbott's removal threat, regardless of whether he goes through with it, or whether it survives the inevitable court challenges.
Tapper, however, went with the curious case of Texas Republican U.S. Congresswoman Kay Granger:
Your state had a congresswoman, Kay Granger, who tragically developed dementia. And then in the middle of her, I guess, second year in office, in her final term, she and her family just checked her into a dementia center in Texas, and nobody represented that congressional district for like six to eight months or something. And I don't recall you, you saying anything then.
Abbott didn't flinch, gently reminding Tapper that a member of the United States Congress, curiously enough, is not the same thing as a member of the Texas House:
Well, I have the authority to apply the Texas Constitution to these members of the Texas House of Representatives. With regard to members of Congress, that's going to be up to the Congressional delegation and to the federal laws, of which the state would have no control over.
Emphasis added. Just in case Tapper reads this and didn't quite get it the first time.
Watch Tapper's grimace at the 45-second mark, when he belatedly realizes just how flimsy his hypocrisy charge was:
CNN's Jake Tapper beclowns himself when he thinks he caught Texas Governor Greg Abbott (R) in a hypocrisy, only for Abbott to SCHOOL him on Texas law (you can see when Tapper realized he'd been beaten):
— Nicholas Fondacaro (@NickFondacaro) August 11, 2025
TAPPER: Your state had a congresswoman, Kay Granger who tragically developed… pic.twitter.com/sQ0v8MqgBS
Seriously, for how many years now have I told you that Tapper isn't actually all that bright?
Also — and I say this with complete disapproval of what was done here — her staff and family kept Granger's condition secret. Not only did Abbott have zero authority over her office, but only very few people seemed aware of her true condition.
Unlike certain Joe Bidens I could mention.
If Tapper wants to start complaining now about senile old codgers holding an elected office they aren't fit to hold, I hope his next assignment takes him to the Arctic — and leaves him there.
Recommended: Well, This Ought to Make Heads Explode All Across D.C.
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