Could the headline be true?
Has Florida Man started playing second (stolen) fiddle to Colorado Man?
I report. You decide.
So join me for this week’s unprecedented…
Florida Man Friday!
Let us begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
Drunk Florida man arrested for allegedly stealing floating tiki bar https://t.co/PjaUTxrNzi pic.twitter.com/BSIrIOL1E8
— New York Post (@nypost) January 15, 2021
Finally, a crime where the motive and outcome were clear from the start.
Who wouldn’t want a motorized floating tiki bar, and to get one by any means fair or foul?
Also, the most important reason I’d make a bad cop is that if I pulled over Florida Man in this instance, it would be to grab a couple of comically fruity drinks, followed by a warning that he’d better get the tiki boat back to its rightful owner before sundown.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Florida Woman Praised For Saving Boy From Abusive Home
Be good to kids and kind to animals, and the other way around, too.
Why is this so difficult for some people?
Anyway, Florida Woman is on top of things:
A waitress in Orlando, Florida has been credited with saving the life of a young boy who was being abused by his parents During a press conference Thursday, Flavaine Carvalho told the story of how she noticed something strange at one of her tables on New Year’s eve.
“I just thought that I need to do something,” she stated. “I could not sit by, going away, without any help.”
While the two adults and two children were eating, the man at the table reportedly wouldn’t let the 11-year-old boy touch any of the food. When Carvalho noticed the boy was covered in bruises, she held up a note that read: Do you need help? The boy nodded in response.
The rest of the story, I must warn you, is embedded with more of those internet-transmissible onion fumes.
Brava, Florida Woman, for a delicate situation, perfectly handled.
Instant Karma’s Gonna Get You
Florida Man nearly set himself on fire while trying to torch his own home
Oops:
Scott Anthony Massa reportedly took a bucket of accelerant and tried to set his Tampa Bay home on fire Sunday around 5:40 a.m., according to the New York Post. But while trying to toss the bucket through the window, Massa caught fire, then fled the scene.
Massa was later arrested at St. Joseph’s Hospital where he was being treated for his burns, according to the New York Post. As of Sunday night, he was still in the hospital.
#ProTip: Throw the match, not the gas.
Heist of the Century
Florida Woman charged with felony after trying to steal school bus
“Deputies say the school bus doors were opened and there was a key in the ignition when they spotted Lacey laying down on the floor of the bus.”
I have a couple of thoughts on this one.
The first is never to take a nap in a stolen vehicle when you might at any moment have to make a high-speed getaway.
The second is that if I ever steal a schoolbus, I’m going to come to a complete stop every few blocks and pull the lever that swings out the blinking “STOP” sign on the driver’s side of the vehicle. Eventually, the police will tire of all the start-stop-start stuff and give up the pursuit.
Update to Last Week’s Florida Man Friday Lead Item
How it started vs. How it's going.#Floridaman pic.twitter.com/FAdQlilT4M
— Anonymous (@YourAnonNews) January 9, 2021
Orange is the new BLM.
Previously On Give Your Christmas Spirit an Everglade-Sized Kickstart
It Always Starts with Tequila and Ends with First Responders
Florida Woman took tequila shots at nail salon before crashing car
This is the first time I can recall a story involving drunk driving starting at a nail salon.
I have questions about why my wife gets hers done so often.
Anyway, do read this:
When officers arrived at the scene of the crash, Aguiler stumbled up to an officer, started to slur nonsense, and fell into one of the reporting officers.
An officer walked up to the Jeep to talk with the two kids and young adult that were in the car during the crash. They told the officer that Augiler was taking shots of tequila at the nail salon.
I’m glad the kids are OK, but mostly I linked this item to share a personal story regarding Colorado Woman — i.e., my wife, Melissa.
The night we first met, I was put off to learn that her beer of choice was Coors Light.
We live in Colorado, home to more different craft brews per capita than any other state in the union. Or at least it was, the last time I checked.
So drinking Coors Light around here is like packing a box of Franzia for your trip to Italy.
However, when Melissa very quickly told me that Coors Light was what she drank to stay hydrated in between shots of tequila, I was pretty much in love right then.
Speaking of Colorado…
I always wrap up Florida Man Friday with three crazy news items from other states (or even other countries) as a gentle reminder that Florida isn’t really any crazier than anywhere else — it’s just that their best-in-the-nation Sunshine Law makes Florida’s crazy happenings easier to find than anywhere else.
But this week I get to do something special, with three crazy news items all involving Colorado Man or Colorado Woman.
Pistol-Packin’ Pol
Colorado Congresswoman Lauren Boebert Refused Entry To House Chamber At Newly-Installed Metal Detectors
Or as I would have headlined it: Colorado Woman Crazy Enough to Think She Can Exercise Her God-Given Rights in Washington, D.C.
Money (That’s What I Want)
A Colorado man used torches to compromise locks on camping fee boxes and steal money from federal and state forest agencies, according to prosecutors. https://t.co/Erhg6R6mxd
— The Denver Post (@denverpost) January 9, 2021
Dear Colorado Man,
Camping fees are inexpensive.
Torches are obvious.
At what point did you think the risk-to-benefit ratio was working in your favor?
Love,
Your Friendly Neighborhood VodkaPundit
The Sign Says ‘No Parking’
Colorado Man uses front loader with hay bale to ram patrol car
Can we all just agree that Colorado Man wins this week?
If Florida Man wants his crown back that he’s going to have to really up his game.
I’d suggest jumping over a line of 18 patrol cars in a swamp boat co-piloted by a bikini-clad gator.
Some call me a dreamer, but I’m not the only one.
C’mon, Florida Man — we’re all counting on you.
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