I had this idea — more of a fantasy, really — a couple of weeks ago that I’d squeeze a Florida Man Friday column in between Bloody Marys and conversations and presents on Christmas Eve Day.
Clearly, that didn’t happen.
But then I figured that since my wife and I had to cancel our annual New Year’s gala, that I’d be primed to do Florida Man Friday on New Year’s Day.
That fantasy ran head-first into the hangover I had on New Year’s Day despite the canceled gala.
In the week that followed, none of us has ever needed some breezy news more than we do right now.
So please join me for this week’s never-more-imperative…
Florida Man Friday!
Let us begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
— lindaha96123336 (@lindaha96123336) January 8, 2021
It should not surprise you that it was Florida Man who stole Nancy Pelosi’s podium during Wednesday’s riot.
But this part might surprise you:
Man photographed carrying speaker’s lectern in Capitol insurrection, identified as Adam Christian Johnson, 36, of Parrish, Fla., never voted for Trump: Voter registration records show he is non-party affiliated, hasn’t voted in any election since he first registered in Sept 2002.
Is it true that only Florida Man would crash a party he’s not even a member of, probably in the hope of doing something crazy like stealing a famous podium in front of national-level news photographers?
I wouldn’t be presumptive enough to say that only Florida Man would do such a thing, but you know he’s always at or near the top of the probability chart.
Ringing in the New Year with a Splash
Just having a few drinks on the houseboat to celebrate the new year…https://t.co/A9g0VSbJ6P
— Rex Chapman🏇🏼 (@RexChapman) January 3, 2021
The best bit? The spectator calling the man who didn’t just fall off a boat — on the second try, after failing to hit the water the first time — an “idiot.”
UPDATE: The tweet and I think the entire account were deleted. If you missed it, I’m so sorry — it was a classic video clip.
I Know How She Feels
Most mornings I’m at my desk just a few minutes after five because frankly I just don’t sleep much anymore.
So here I am at zero-dark-thirty, ringing my virtual bell while I shout to the world about politics.
The profanities, however, I keep to myself.
I just try not to actually harass anyone the way Florida Woman did:
Wildes is accused of getting up at 5 a.m. each morning to scream “(Expletive) you,” “(Expletive) you, (expletive),” “You’re a (expletive)” and other comments pertaining to President Donald Trump and President-elect Joe Biden.
Deputies said Wildes put signs up in her yard that read “(Expletive) you,” “(Expletive) you dum (expletive),” “Teach them to lie, grab them in the (expletive) like Trump did,” and a sign claiming a neighbor was a pedophile, which she took down.
May I suggest switching to decaf, Florida Woman?
There’s Bored and Then There’s Nine-Months-of-COVID Bored
Everyone needs a way to stay busy during the downtime, and here’s how Florida Man is doing just that for himself and for others:
Deputies said they received reports of a loud explosion on Mare Creek Road in Crestview on Dec. 18 and found a 2002 Chevrolet Silverado fully engulfed in flames.
When authorities arrived on scene, 28-year-old Kevin Murphy immediately admitted to starting the fire, records show.
He was placed in handcuffs and when deputies searched him, they said they found a glass pipe used to smoke methamphetamine in his pocket and a folded up dollar bill with traces of meth in his wallet.
When questioned, Murphy said, “He wanted something for the sheriff’s office to do and he wanted to give himself an early Christmas present, so he set his truck on fire,” according to the affidavit.
What a giver, yes?
Stay Down. Seriously, Just Stay Down
Florida woman stabs cop. Gets shot in head, doesn't drop knife, gets shot 8 times, doesn't drop knife, gets attack dog set on her, tries to stab dog, tazed in the head by cops.
Queue Terminator soundtrack. NOT FOR SENSITIVE VIEWERS. https://t.co/TBrHwYk0mS
— Mister Flak (@MisterFlak86) January 8, 2021
There’s video at the link but it can’t be embedded due to an age restriction enabled by the uploader.
Needless to say, it’s both fascinating and difficult to watch.
I wonder if someone might forward this to Joe “Just Shoot Them in the Leg” Biden, or to anyone who thinks we ought to restrict magazines to some not-so-comically tiny number of rounds.
News Brief: Only in Florida
- Florida Man fires gun to get attention after falling ill at home
- Rabid Otter Attacks Florida Woman Who Placed a Blanket on the Critter
- Florida Man tried to pass off ecstasy as ingredients for baking (He isn’t entirely wrong, you know)
And now, back to our regularly scheduled news.
The Only Good Shark…
A surfer in Melbourne Beach got a bit of a surprise on her early morning walk when she found a dead shark washed up on the beach. Check out these pictures she took, and she got up close and personal with this thing! https://t.co/4CGmNwlOJT
— Real Radio 92.1 (@RealRadio921) January 5, 2021
As much as I enjoy going to the beach and even scuba diving, I’m never able to forget that in the ocean human being are near the bottom of the food chain.
I mean, have you ever tried to fire a .30-06 underwater?
Previously On Florida Man Friday: Kentucky Mayor One-Ups Florida Man, Joins Harold and Kumar at White Castle
Fake Florida Man Doctor Is at It Again
He's at it again.
The Florida man who posed as a doctor when he was a teen, has been arrested on fraud and theft charges once more.
— Complex (@Complex) January 1, 2021
I remember this story from a few years ago, and it was one of the inspirations for what would eventually evolve into Florida Man Friday.
Here’s the background from 2016:
A Florida teen was arrested on Tuesday after an undercover operation by local authorities revealed he was reportedly practicing medicine and doing other doctorly stuff without any of the appropriate licenses, according to WPBF. Malachi Love-Robinson, just 18 years old, was allegedly “advertising himself as a doctor” via Facebook and other outlets. “Just because you saw a season of Grey’s Anatomy doesn’t mean you could practice medicine,” the Palm Beach County Sheriff’s Office tweeted Tuesday afternoon, presumably angering Grey’s Anatomy fans the world over.
“Dr. Love” had such a baby face that he makes Doogie Howser look like Marcus Welby.
All we know about his most recent arrest is that is was for “fraud and theft,” and that he’s been released.
But you’d better believe I’ve already set up a news alert for “Dr. Love.”
Driving My Life Away
That’s a lot of voices:
A Florida man is locked up for running nearly two dozen red lights and stop signs, and authorities say he gave an unusual reason for doing it.
The Indian River County Sheriff’s Office says 30-year old Jerard Marqui Ross of Vero Beach told deputies that “voices were telling him” not to stop, while also claiming he didn’t pull over because he had a warrant out for his arrest.
When I first got my driver’s license, I honestly had no idea what a commuter lane was. I’d learned to drive out in the country, on gravel roads, creek beds, etc. So when I found myself on the St. Louis Eades Bridge, pulled over while actually doing the speed limit for once, it came as a shock.
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
“This is a commuter lane. You need at least two passengers with you to use it.”
“What about my imaginary friends in the backseat?”
Needless to say, I did not talk my way out of that ticket.
Florida Man in Song
Sarah Hester Ross is currently my favorite person in the world who isn’t my wife or offspring.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
After the kayak overturned, the man’s wife swam out to him with life vests while a neighbor called 911, according to Battalion Chief Michael B. Kane. A firefighter also jumped into the water, swimming to the vessel and attaching a tow line.
“When rescuers arrived they found the wife of the victim paddling in the kayak and the husband in tow behind the watercraft,” Kane told the Sun-Sentinel. “The wife’s split decision and wherewithal to first secure a flotation device to herself before swimming out to her husband and securing him may have been the main catalyst in preventing a loss of life.”
Brava, Florida Woman.
Meanwhile, in Canada…
Alberta Man rides his buffalo to the grocery store
What? Gators get way too cold up in Alberta.
Meanwhile, in Great Britain…
— New York Post (@nypost) January 1, 2021
(Celine Dion pictured left. Celine Dion pictured right.)
No, I have never been this drunk:
It’s all coming back to him now.
The 30-year-old Céline Dion — né Thomas Dodd — told The Post that he came up with the idea while boozing it up and watching a TV concert by the 52-year-old Canadian crooner on Christmas Eve — because he loves her.
While enjoying the show, he plunked down 89 pounds (about $122) and officially took her name via an online application. However, the details are a bit fuzzy.
“I honestly, hand on heart, don’t remember doing it!” he said. “I remember watching the concert and remember getting rather tipsy.”
This reminds me of the time back in the ’90s my friend Deb erased her hard drive after a bottle of wine.
The way she told it, she breezed right past all the “ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO REFORMAT C: Y/N?” warnings because Merlot makes her very agreeable.
Meanwhile, in Colorado…
This week’s exit question: Who the hell robs a tanning salon?
Stories like these can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…