Thanksgiving setup and cleanup and recovery (mostly recovery) prevented me from doing Florida Man Friday last week, so we have a ton of stories to cover this week.
Without any further ado then, join me on a belated edition of…
Florida Man Friday!
Let us begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
As a kid, I fell in love with Star Wars on first viewing because it had everything a young boy could ever want in a movie he was actually allowed to watch:
- Tons of ‘splosions
- Laser swords
- More ‘splosions
- Braless Carrie Fisher
Here’s a Florida Man story with everything a Florida Man Friday fan could ever want.
A Florida man was sentenced to three months in federal prison for firing off a flare gun from a boat while drunk and prompting a search and rescue mission by the Coast Guard.
Justin Patrick Obert, 32, Fort Myers, received the sentence that also includes three years of supervised release for communicating a false distress message to the Coast Guard, according to a release from the office of U.S. Attorney Maria Chapa Lopez.
The federal court also ordered Obert to pay $13,414.78 to the Coast Guard for the cost of the operation. The sentencing comes after Obert’s guilty plea in the U.S. District Court on Aug. 21.
So there you have it: Drinking, a boat, more drinking, poor decision-making skills regarding potentially dangerous devices, even more drinking, and first responders.
If there had also been Carrie Fisher in a metal bikini, the story would have been nothing short of perfect.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
Most people are happy when the Amazon guy brings the package all the way to the front door instead of just leaving it by the garage.
This guy, on the other hand…
When an Amazon delivery driver heard screams coming from a central Florida home along his route last week, he dropped his packages and ran to help.
Inside the burning home, Sean Campbell, 23, found an elderly man who needed help getting out.
“I heard the screaming, and when you hear something like that, you have to go to it,” Campbell told WESH-TV.
And then he did.
Bravo, Florida Man.
Florida Woman Driver
Florida Highway Patrol says Brooke Ellis of the 100 block of SE 2nd Street in Delray Beach is in a lot of trouble. The 50 year old woman was, according to police, involved in a traffic crash on the off ramp from I-95 to Boynton Beach Blvd. As FHP Troopers conducted an investigation, Ellis was ordered into a parking lot but apparently decided to flee, instead.
That led to a police chase, but ended when Ellis “collided with a dumpster and a fire hydrant.”
Ellis was eventually arrested and charged with DUI; driving on a suspended license; hit and run — leave scene of a crash involving damage to property; resist officer (by) refusing to accept, sign citation or post bond; resist officer — flee, elude law enforcement officer with lights (and) siren active).
Longtime Florida Man Friday readers know the only way this story could be improved: If Florida Woman had fled in a stolen police vehicle instead of her own.
Florida Man Keeps It On-Brand
So this is what happens when Florida Man decides to go all Fast and Furious:
Deputies saw a Ford Mustang and an Infiniti driving slowly past them before the Mustang’s passenger yelled out race instructions.
Officials witnessed both cars pull up to a stoplight and once the light turned green, both vehicles sped off.
The drivers were identified as 19-year-old Oscar Manuel Llera Iturralde and 20-year-old Jose Luis Ramirez-Sanchez. Arlington Joel Aguilar Hernandez, 20, was a passenger of the Mustang.
Deputies clocked the cars traveling 80-95 mph on a stretch where the speed limit was only 55 mph, according to CCSO.
When deputies approached Iturralde, the driver of the Infiniti, he yelled “what” and played the “COPs” TV show theme song, “Bad Boys,” according to CCSO.
Another song from another show comes to mind: Don’t dream it, be it.
Florida Woman and the Postmodern Revolution
Fill in the blank! This Florida woman _______. pic.twitter.com/rGY7HjgnyU
— Perez (@ThePerezHilton) December 1, 2020
It isn’t that I disagree with Florida Woman going maskless where no masks are required — far from it. I’m one of those people who rips their mask off just as soon as they exit the store, with the rapid and frustrated action of a TV emergency room doctor who just lost a patient.
What I would like to bring your attention to is this: We’ve gone from a time when rebels self-organized into fighting units to take on the British Army, to talking into our own smartphone cameras about not covering our faces in public.
Continuing with Our Florida Man Music Theme…
Oops sorry I meant to post the video as well pic.twitter.com/folbwIP4Eu
— Orla Seraph 🔪🎶 (BUA) (@TheTwistedFae) November 19, 2020
It’s the same old song but with a different meaning now that you’ve been arrested for dismembering and cooking your neighbor.
News Brief: Only in Florida
- Florida Man wrote ex-girlfriend’s name on bullet, accused of attempted murder.
- Deputies find meth in Florida Woman’s bra during stolen car arrest. (It’s always in the first place you look.)
- Florida man under investigation for registering to vote in Georgia. (But this next Georgia election is on the up-and-up, they swear!)
Spoiler: Florida Man Is Not Rick James
This is not how you pay people back for saving you from a DUI and maybe even death:
The suspect, Paul Kijek, also shouted, “You white motherf–kers,” before he was arrested just 2 miles from his Clearwater, Fla., home over the weekend. A Pinellas County arrest affidavit identified the 50-year-old as a white male.
According to police, witnesses at Back Bar and Lounge stopped Kijek from driving home from that venue “due to his level of intoxication” shortly after 4 a.m. Sunday.
Do you see Florida Man, pictured above in his mugshot?
Him claiming to be Rick James is only slightly less ridiculous than me… uh… claiming to be Rick James.
Not All Heroes Wear Capes, Part II
saved the puppy from getting eaten by an alligator and never dropped his cigar, a true legend pic.twitter.com/ryRSfZqOsy
— juan vidal (@itsjuanlove) November 22, 2020
My little family and I are the happy owners of three dogs, mostly because we’d have four or five but I can’t figure out how to squeeze that many into the laundry room for feeding.
We have two rescue mutts and one Golden, and we take the very best care of them that we know how to.
The living room and bedroom are both littered with dog blankets and dog beds. Our two boys insist on letting “their” dogs sleep in bed with them, and in fact, they’re so close that we refer to the four of them as Boy-Dog Unit #1 and Boy-Dog Unit #2.
Coming inside quickly when called is met with treats — treats approved by our friend, the vet, whom we invite over for dinner in between checkups so our dogs can get a little extra doctor attention.
They get talked to and loved on and have toys thrown for them at all hours of the day.
If there’s anything we can do for them that we know to do for them, we do for them.
Still, Florida Man just put us all to shame.
Love Will Find a Way, Florida Woman-Style
I pulled some genuinely stupid and even cruel breakup tricks back when I was young and stupid and callow, but never this:
A Florida woman was arrested after she posted a romantic rival’s personal information on a website for hookups, including advertising “free meth tonight.”
Vanessa Marie Huckaba, 29, was arrested on November 21 on charges of cyberstalking and harassing. She is free on a $5,000 bond and due back in court at a later date.
Huckaba created a profile on the website Seeking Arrangement that included the victim’s photo, cell phone number, and address. According to the arrest report obtained by The Miami Herald, the victim is dating an ex-boyfriend of Huckaba’s.
This leaves me with one burning exit question for you: Is it worse to date the crazy or to break up with the crazy?
Meanwhile, in Colorado…
Please don’t ever get yourself into a situation where you end up in a news headline along with “loses pants” and “in-n-out.”
Also, if you’re craving a massive and well-prepared burger in northern Colorado Springs, skip the In-n-Out chain and go a short way down the street to locally-owned Beasts and Brews. The Double-Double cheeseburger is a thing of decadent beauty.
Meanwhile, in Utah…
It might not shock you to learn that Utah Man had been voted by his high school classmates as “most likely to be found sleeping in a bus station.”
Meanwhile, in Kentucky…
Don’t get between hungry people and their White Castle at 11 pm:
According to her arrest citation, Beverly Chester-Burton crashed her car into a pole in a White Castle parking lot at around 11 p.m. When police arrived, Chester-Burton said she lost control of her car while trying to leave the parking lot, hitting a telephone pole.
Witnesses, however, told officers she had been asleep in the drive-thru line and multiple people tried to knock on her window to wake her up. They said Chester-Burton hit the car in front of her, which in turn hit another car, before leaving the line and hitting a pole.
After officers smelled alcohol on her breath, Chester-Burton said she had two martinis with dinner at around 5 p.m. Later, police said she changed her story to having dinner at 9 p.m., unaware of the current time.
At lunch the other day I asked my bartender to make me a Chester-Burton, and he poured me a large mug full of warm gin with my car keys at the bottom.
Stories like these can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…