Culture

Florida Man Friday: Give Your Christmas Spirit an Everglade-Sized Kickstart

(Image by Please Don't sell My Artwork AS IS from Pixabay.)

Florida Man Friday: The Final 2020 Edition.

With just the slightest bit of luck, on Christmas day I’ll be too filled with Christmas spirit and/or Bloody Marys to put together a Christmas Day Edition of Florida Man Friday.

That’s the bad news.

The good news is that since the Neverending Gobstopped Pandemic Crisis has forced my wife and me to cancel our big New Year’s bash, I might just be able to ring in New Year’s Day with you, me, and Florida Man.

But for 2020… this is it. The last crazy column in our craziest of years.

So join me now on an end-of-the-year spectacular blowout edition of…

Florida Man Friday!

Let us begin as we always do with…

The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)

Florida Man Walks Home After Shark Bite
(Image by Three-shots from Pixabay)
Florida Man bitten by shark walks home before being hospitalized

Forget the Walk of Shame and prepare to learn all about the Walk of Sheer Florida Manliness.

A Florida man who was bleeding profusely from a shark bite managed to walk home on Tuesday before being hospitalized.

The 39-year-old man was attacked by a shark in the waters off Siesta Key, Fox 13 reported, citing Sarasota County Fire Rescue and hospital staff.

After returning home, a woman called 911 to report the victim was “bleeding to death” from wounds to his hand and arm.

On the call, the woman can be heard telling the man, who was conscious, that “everything’s going to OK.”

Then the paramedics showed up and took Florida Man to the hospital.

After he walked home from major shark bites.

Impressive, Florida Man.

Impressive.

The Most Florida Woman Story Ever (This Week)

There’s video at the link, but if you’d rather not watch I’ll give you the rundown on a Florida Woman story that checks all the boxes.

  • Inappropriate attire? Check
  • Public intoxication? Check
  • Useless violence? Check
  • Shouting? Check
  • Sucking on a stolen gas cap? Che…what?

Yeah, so “sucking on a stolen gas cap” is a thing we have to search for every Friday from now on.

News Brief: Only in Florida

And now, back to our regularly scheduled news.

Gimme Shelter

Mick Jagger gets some shelter, buying Florida mansion

This makes sense.

Mick was Florida Man before Florida Man was Florida Man.

And when Keef comes to visit, that’s when things will get really weird.

Florida Woman vs. Raccoon vs. Christmas Tree

True story.

Way back when I was still single, I was by default a cat person.

I always wanted dogs, but my out-all-night/leave-town-for-a-week-at-random lifestyle wasn’t exactly conducive to dog ownership.

But I didn’t know how to have a home without a pet (still don’t), so I had a ginormous cat, Dingo, who thought he was a dog.

One year I put up a fake Christmas tree, the kind with the branches that hook into the little cup-shaped receptacles all up and down the fake trunk. Dingo looked at it with no interest at all.

That night, I went out drinking as I usually did. When I came home, Dingo had, apparently methodically, removed half of the branches.

It must have taken quite some effort, because the hooks on the inside of the ends of the branches have to be lifted straight up.

I spent the next day sitting on the sofa. On the coffee table in front of me was a squirt gun filled with vinegar. Every time the ginormous dog-cat got near the tree, he got squirted.

It took most of a wasted day to get him trained, but after that Dingo left my Christmas trees alone.

I guess what I’m trying to say here is that I had no idea until just now how easy I had it compared to Florida Woman.

Previously On Florida Man Friday: Kentucky Mayor One-Ups Florida Man, Joins Harold and Kumar at White Castle

Lies, Damned Lies, and Studies

Florida is the Grinch when it comes to Christmas spirit, study shows

This is a silly “study.”

The study took into account the following:

  • Google searches for Christmas movies and gingerbread houses (29%)
  • Online shopping (via Google Shopping Trends) for wrapping paper, Christmas cards, Christmas ornaments, and “Elf on a Shelf” (28%)
  • Christmas music streams (14.5%)
  • Charitable giving in the last documented tax year, as defined by the IRS (14.5%)
  • Tweets about Christmas (7%)
  • Number of Christmas tree farms per capita (7%)

By that measure, the states with the most Christmas spirit were Utah, Idaho, and Wisconsin — and the snowy states seemed to have a big advantage over us warm-weather locales.

Ya think?

I prefer to think that Florida — with its best-in-the-nation sunshine law that makes Florida Man Friday possible — shows the spirit of giving all year ’round, and like no other state ever.

Merry Christmas, Florida — and thank you for all that you do.

I Have No Idea What’s Going On Here…

…but I’m certain it’s going to end badly.

Florida Woman Looks So Happy

Florida Woman Laughs
(Mugshot courtesy of local authorities.)
Florida Woman laughs, tells deputy she wants to go to jail after car chase

A 36-year-old Miami Beach driver who, according to police, led deputies on a chase and intentionally crashed into the rear of another car, finally pulled over, but when a Monroe County Sheriff’s deputy approached her with his weapon drawn, the woman’s response was not the usual reaction after a police chase. She was laughing and said she wished to go to jail, according to the deputy.

Christine Eliza Dayoub had been speeding in her Mercedes-Benz sedan in the 3000 block of U.S. 1 in Marathon at approximately 7:40 p.m. Thursday when Deputy Corbin Hradecky said he passed the car. Both vehicles were southbound when the Mercedes recklessly swerved around the deputy’s car, causing him, he said, to slam on his brakes.

Police radar clocked the Mercedes traveling at 56 mph in a 35 mph zone. When Hradecky turned on his lights and sirens and attempted to make a traffic stop, the driver, later identified as Dayoub, began waving her middle finger out the window and then went even faster.

I’ll have whatever Florida Woman is having.

This Is a Thing You’re About to See

This is a thing you have seen.

Exit Question: How’d the golf ball get there?

UPDATE: As it turns out, the golf ball landed on the gator’s tail and stayed there.

I’d really like to have seen that shot.

Meanwhile, in Scotland…

(Image by twangled from Pixabay.)
Man who rode jetski from Scotland to Isle of Man to see girlfriend jailed for Covid breach

To be clear, the man was jailed for a COVID breach, not the woman.

Meanwhile, in Maine…

Maine Man with chainsaw chases McDonald’s employees, steals food and drink

Meanwhile, in Colorado…

Colorado Man packs his own patio set to dine outside during pandemic

I wish I’d thought of that.

Stories like these can mean only one thing: Florida Man has exactly two weeks to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of…

Florida Man Friday!
Previously On Florida Man Friday: This One Weird Trick Doubled Social Security Benefits