I usually try to write a cute little intro for Florida Man Friday, but the wild and outrageous stories came in such a flood this week that’s there’s just no time.
So without further ado, here is you…
Florida Man Friday!
Let us begin as we always do with…
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
As longtime Florida Man Friday readers know, I live for these stories where someone, anyone, has the stupid guts enough to steal a police car.
Doing so means that I’ll automatically at least consider them for the top spot on FMF.
But this version of the old story has so much more.
Officers told Action News Jax the police officer initially saw the man laying in the roadway on I-10, and stopped to help.
Police said that’s when the man became combative, hopped in the JSO cruiser and drove off.
The cruiser was found crashed into a wooded area off of I-10 West near Chaffee Road. The naked man was taken to a hospital.
Stolen police vehicle?
A car crash?
Emergency medical personal?
The only missing detail is the presence of illegal drugs or a blood alcohol count somewhere north of triple the legal limit — but that tox screen should be released any hour now.
Thank you, Florida Man — this week, more than most, I needed that.
Go Back, Jack, Do It Again
It’s the second time this particular Florida Woman has caused a scene for refusing to wear a mask at a business requiring patrons to wear one.
Look, if the business puts a sign on the door that says “Masks Required for Entry” or somesuch, it’s no different from “No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service.”
Here in Colorado we’re required to wear masks pretty much everywhere, including midnight trips to the bathroom.
That might go a long way towards explaining why Colorado Man has been overtaking Florida Man in recent weeks.
On rare occasions in this job you’ll come across a headline so bizarre that it leaves you with absolutely nothing to write — just a dumbfounded look on your face.
This is not one of those times.
Because as soon as I read “Florida Man known as ‘The Monkey Whisperer’ arrested for illegally selling primates,” I immediately flashed back on the sometimes kinda-sorta funny Chris Elliot movie, Cabin Boy.
I haven’t seen Cabin Boy since it first hit VHS a quarter-century ago, and never felt the desire to see it again.
Nevertheless, David Letterman’s “Would you like to buy a monkey” scene stuck with me all these years, just waiting for the right time for me to reference it.
And here we are.
Enjoy the clip.
‘You came here in that thing? You’re braver than I thought!’
Stealing a police cruiser, that you can kind of understand.
They’re fast and generally well-maintained. You’re not exactly going to be inconspicuous doing it, but just maybe you’ve got a chance to make a getaway.
A pony’s chance in an industrial turbine, but still.
Steal a UPS truck? Where were you going in that, Florida Woman?
Billy, Don’t Be a Hero
Florida Man arrested after threatening to kidnap, violently confront possible protesters at state Capitol
Antifa comes to Florida:
Officials said Baker is a former U.S. Army Airborne infantryman who was kicked out of the service and had a history of expressing a belief in violent tactics.
Following the Jan. 6 riot at the U.S. Capitol, agents said he expressed an intent to violently disrupt protests between now and Inauguration Day and actively recruited others to join him.
They said Baker participated in multiple protests throughout the U.S. last summer and is accused of promoting and encouraging his followers on “how to incapacitate and debilitate law enforcement officers.”
Nice work, Florida Law Enforcement.
The Most Exciting Body Cam Footage You’ll See This Week
This one is really something.
The police officer made a literal split-second decision to shoot. Although as you’ll see in the second half, he did have a heads-up from a neighbor’s Ring doorbell camera that the suspect was armed and keeping his pistol in his hand tucked behind his back.
Still, quick thinking by the cop — and the suspect will survive.
Step Up Your Game, Florida Man
— Shawn Smith 🌊 (@BRougeLA) January 15, 2021
Maybe that seems impressive, having seven people arrested from just one state out of the relatively few jailed so far for the January 6 riot.
Colorado is home to about 5.5 million, Florida is home to more than three times that many — 21.4 million.
So if five Colorado Men have been arrested, Florida should be able to boast at least 18 or 19. Or even more, considering Florida Man’s rep.
As I reported to you last week, Colorado Man is overtaking Florida Man.
This Colorado Man couldn’t be more proud.
Love Thy Neighbor, One Hour at a Time
“This could happen anywhere,” they tell me.
But no matter how many times I try some secret knock on different doors, the only thing that happens in my neighborhood is people yelling at me to get off their property.
— Only_in_Florida (@0nlyInFlorida) January 20, 2021
Um… Florida Man meant well?
Meanwhile, in Texas…
Eat it. Any time. In any vehicle.
Meanwhile, in Great Britain…
“I remember the moment I crunched down on a handful of the ‘sweets’ — and instantly felt explosions in my mouth. I felt a burning pain straight away. I’m still in agony and nearly lost a tooth after it cracked from the explosion.”
I’m glad she’s OK, but who mistakes Fun Snaps for candy?
Meanwhile, in Colorado…
Colorado Man Accused Of Murder Reportedly Left Behind His Identity Tag In Suitcase Stuffed With Body Parts
This one is so over-the-top comic-tragic that I have no idea what to do other than to ask Florida Man to permanently turn over his crown.
At least until the next…