Culture

Florida Man Friday: Ever Been So Drunk You Assaulted a Restaurant?

(Screencap via social media.)

On this week’s Florida Man Friday you’ll see the easiest DUI arrest in history, jihad return to the Sunshine State, and Colorado Man give Florida Man his most serious competition to date.

So join me now on another thrilling installment of…

Florida Man Friday!

Let us begin as we always do with…

The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)

Florida Man with 3 prior DUI convictions is found driving lawnmower while intoxicated

Best part of the exchange:

Florida Cop: How much you had to drink tonight?

Florida Man: Oh, a couple.

Florida Cop: A couple? I think it was a little more than a couple.

Florida Man: OK, I wonnnn’d lie to yaaaaa.

Is it possible to get arrested for driving the lawnmower around your own yard after having a few beers on a sunny summer Saturday afternoon?

Asking for a friend, I swear.

Florjihada

You don’t see this every day, thank goodness:

One day in late May, Hiba Momtaz Al-Azhari showed up outside the Temple Terrace Police Department and told a receptionist she wanted to make a report about something that had happened a few days before.

A surveillance camera captured video of an officer coming out to talk with her. They spoke briefly before Al-Azhari reached in a purse and pulled out a large chefโ€™s knife. She swung it at the officer, then charged as he backed away.

The officer several times told her to drop the knife. He and another nearby officer fired four gunshots. Al-Azhari was shot and later died at a hospital.

The Hillsborough State Attorneyโ€™s Office recounted those details in a statement released Tuesday, which announced that the officersโ€™ actions were ruled justified.

If jihad really does mean “internal struggle” as we’ve been told so many times, apparently it’s the struggle to reach the internal organs of infidels with whatever weapon is handy.

Any attack is awful, but on the other hand, one dead jihadi and one live infidel is pretty good math if you ask me.

Don’t Do the Crime If You Can’t Taste the Brine

Florida Man Friday Loves Jerky
(Mugshot courtesy of local authorities.)
Florida Man steals beef jerky, then gets caught with heroin

Not to brag or anything, but the addictive nature of my homemade beef jerky has been compared to heroin, oxycontin, and crack cocaine.

The secret is in the brine and the wood for the smoke, and maybe someday if you’re all very nice to me I’ll share the recipe that took me two years and probably 100 pounds of various cuts of red meat to develop.

So. Good.

What were we talking about again?

Colorado Man Is Happier Than Ever Finding the Occasional Bear in His Garage

Florida Woman Gets Greeted And Bumped By Massive Shark After Sliding Into Sea

Look before you leap, Florida Woman.

The Best Weapon Is the One Closest at Hand

Although I suppose there are exceptions to the rule about the best weapon.

Steal Little, Steal Big

Florida Man Gets Shown the Money
(Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay.)
Florida Man Lied to Get $60K in Coronavirus Loans

It was just two weeks ago that Florida Man was caught buying a $300,000 Lambo amongst many other high-priced items after defrauding PPP for nearly four million dollars.

This week, it’s a paltry $60k.

Is Florida Man losing his touch?

Previously On Florida Man Friday: $300,000 Lamborghini Bought with Stolen Stimulus Money

Not All Heroes Wear Capes

Florida Police save intoxicated mom, 4-year-old son from drowning in Florida canal

There’s video at this Facebook link that unfortunately I can’t get to embed properly.

Yikes:

Police say they rescued an intoxicated woman and her 4-year-old son from drowning in a Miami canal. The Miami-Dade Police Department reports the young child jumped into the water in an attempt to save his mother.

According to police, they received a call “regarding several people drowning in the canal” and discovered the woman and child. Police say they were able to grab ahold of the child and pull him to safety but the woman refused help in her state of intoxication. Eventually, the officers were able to save her after tossing out a lifeguard ring buoy.

Dear Parents Everywhere,

Please never get so drunk that your four-year-old is forced to try and save you from drowning, OK?

Love,

Your Friendly Neighborhood VodkaPundit

You May Not Have Fries with That

Florida Man has tantrum at Wendy’s drive-thru

Ever been so drunk you assaulted a restaurant?

Yeah, me neither.

I swear.

The Garage Bears Keep Looking Better and Better

Florida Woman finds large snake inside washing machine

Not a huge deal, until you get to the missing detail:

Emily Visnic, who recently moved from Connecticut to a West Palm Beach apartment, said she has her own laundry room in the residence and has no idea how a snake managed to get inside the appliance.

Snakes don’t bother me.

Teleporting snakes bother the heck out of me, and should bother the heck out of you, too.

Florida Man, Ink.

I had to do a doubletake to tell for sure if Florida Man was wearing any clothes, or was just garbed in his own tattoos, carnival sideshow-style.

It’s Always in the First Place You Look

Florida Woman Hides Pot in Bra

Florida Woman accused of spraying roach killer in husbandโ€™s face, hiding cannabis in bra.

Florida Man is going to be OK.

Florida Woman clearly is not.

God Has a Message for Florida Man

Whoa.

Chutzpah, Thy Name Is Florida Man

Florida Sheriff Arrested for Ordering Illegal Arrest of His Mistress

What a mess:

Clay County Sheriff Darryl Daniels handed himself in on Thursday, but claims the timing of the charges is suspicious โ€” as he faces re-election in a matter of days.

Daniels said he was given an ultimatum by a special prosecutor to either resign or be arrested โ€” so he chose the latter.

In May of 2019, Daniels himself called police claiming a stalker was following him in his car, and demanded she be arrested.

The woman was Jacksonville Sheriff’s Office corrections Cierra Smith, with whom Daniels had been having an affair since 2012 — it began when he was her superior at Jacksonville and continued after he was elected Sheriff of Clay County — the State Attorney’s Office claimed at the time.

It’s at this point that things get complicated.

And maybe we ought to wait and see how this whole thing plays out before we decide whether the “chutzpah” in the headline applies to Florida Sheriff or to Florida Special Prosecutor.

Meanwhile, in Germany…

You swine! German nudist chases wild boar that stole laptop

Normally I’d have a photo or a screencap, but you know that rule of thumb about how the people most likely to be naked in public are the people you’re least likely to want to see naked in public?

It so applies here.

Really, the boar had the upper hand on this one.

Meanwhile, in Colorado…

(Mugshot courtesy of local authorities.)
Colorado Man Arrested for Indecent Exposure, Urinating on Studio

Colorado Man looks so happy.

And… uh… why wouldn’t he be?

Meanwhile, in Colorado… AGAIN?

Is Colorado the new Florida?

Only time will tell, so come back next week for another thrilling installment of…

Florida Man Friday!
Previously On Florida Man Friday: Supercharged Truck Attacker Goes Full T.J. Hooker